3 Months Ago
by Ballanchinewriting2
Summary: Olivia's past is threatening to ruin her career, while Elliot's future sits waiting for him, but all he wants is Olivia and her past. There's a secret, a catch, 3 lives, 3 people and it all started 3 Months Ago.  AU to canon, season 1
1. Tension

**A/N: I'm imagining this as a type of "prequel" for **_**Payback. **_**This is AU that turns into canon at the end of the story. Essentially, it sets up Stabler and Benson's partnership because I've seen the first season and they are way too close for nothing to have happened. That's all I'm giving away in terms of thought process though. Kathy and Elliot are dating, not married. No children.**

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><p><em><strong>1-6 Precinct.<strong>_

_**Monday, December 16**__**th**__**, 1998 **_

"Hey" Olivia said, smiling at her partner and dropping into her seat.

"Beat you here again" Elliot smiled, reaching over and depositing the bullpen's coffee orders onto her desk. She smirked.

"I walked El," she stated, standing up reluctantly and pulling on her jacket.

"I offered you a ride" Elliot said, flipping absently through a file.

"The last time you gave me a ride we were both late" Olivia said, and they both shared a secret smile. Munch shot his new partner a look and Fin mouthed in return, 'sleeping together.' Munch rolled his eyes and mouthed, 'No one really knows.'

"Hey, sharing conspiracy theories about me and Benson over there?" Elliot asked Munch and Fin, half-joking, half-serious.

"It's nothing the whole world doesn't already suspect" Munch returned. Elliot shot him a confused look as Liv laughed and reached for her scarf, cursing the early arrival of winter. She'd always loved December, but not when it already felt like February.

"I'll be right back with coffee" she said.

"Coffee's got to wait, Benson" Cragen said, walking out of his office. "Vic is waiting for you and Stabler at Mercy"

"On it Cap" Olivia said, grabbing her gloves now too. She fixed Elliot with a triumphant smile as they began to walk out.

"What're you smiling at Benson?" he asked with a smirk. "That coffee buying has just been delayed."

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><p><strong><em>Mercy Hospital<em>**

**_9:30 A.M._**

"I didn't know it was a baby" Olivia said softly, stepping into the protective scrubs needed to enter the N.I.C.U. Elliot placed a hand on her shoulder and Liv looked down at where it rested comfortably. After that night any physical contact just felt necessary.

"Kids aren't easy. I'll tell you that now" he said, gently rubbing her shoulder before pulling on his own scrubs.

"Nothing about this job is easy, El" Liv whispered. Elliot looked at her and smiled sadly. Of all the partners he'd had since he started with SVU, he really hoped that Olivia stayed. When he was with her, he didn't feel like he was alone with the horrors he saw everyday. A nurse approached them then, pulling off her surgical mask.

"Oh, hey Kathy" Elliot said, leaning in to kiss his longtime girlfriend.

"Elliot. No! We'll both have to re-sanitize" she said, fending him off with an 'I'm in love' smile.

"Hey, Kathy" Liv interjected. Kathy turned and smiled at her.

"Hey Liv" Kathy said. "We missed you at Rocio's Tuesday night." Olivia smiled pacifically at her. The young blond was everything she wasn't, and thus perfect for Elliot. Even after that night, Liv knew that she and Elliot weren't the 'drawers and toothbrushes at each other's apartments' type of thing. Some things were simply too passionate to hold onto.

"Yeah, sorry about Rocio's, things just got crazy"

"Story of your life" Elliot said, sharing another look with Liv that his girlfriend tried really hard to believe meant nothing.

"So, what do we have?" Liv asked, turning back to Kathy with a distracted smile. Kathy cleared her throat, switching from girlfriend to nurse.

"Infant, about a week old" she said, leading them into the N.I.C.U. "The paramedics who brought her in said that she'd only been in the park a few hours" Kathy finished, leading them to the third bassinette from the wall. Olivia saw the baby and her heart constricted. The little girl was perfect. What could she have done for her mother not to love her? _What did I do?_ Olivia shook the thought away quickly. This wasn't about her.

"Is she healthy?" Olivia asked, sitting next to the baby and carefully poking a hand through one of the two holes in the incubator.

"She's a little hypothermic but other than that, yeah, she's fine" Kathy said. As soon as the baby sensed Liv's hand, she turned toward her and smiled. Elliot caught Liv's face in that moment. It was so purely happy and touched. He felt a smile creeping onto his own features as he witnessed a side of his partner he'd only seen at night.

"Do you have a name?" Liv asked the baby gently, smiling brightly.

"It's Samantha Leonard" Elliot said, taking the baby's file from Kathy.

"Poor thing came in with only her car seat and the clothes she was wearing" Kathy added, trying not to stare at how pretty Liv looked when she was smiling and happy. She purposely avoided seeing Elliot's face as he watched his partner. He and Liv hadn't known each other that long, and she just hoped the look on his face right now was because he'd never seen Liv with a child. He'd seen Kathy holding infants plenty of times. "We ran her prints through our system and her mother's name is listed as Cassandra Leonard."

"Do you have an address for the mother?" Liv asked. Kathy looked at Elliot.

"Not unless she's King Kong. The address written here is for the Empire State Building" Elliot said sarcastically.

"Great" Liv smirked. "Kathy, did the car seat have any defining marks?"

"I don't know, I'm not a cop…just dating one" Kathy replied, smiling at Elliot. He tore his eyes away from Olivia just long enough to smile back at her. Elliot's infamous Stabler-half smile had melted Kathy's heart when they met in high school and would continue to melt her heart even if she never became Mrs. Stabler.

"Do you still have the car seat and clothes" Elliot asked.

"No, your CSU people have them."

"Kathy!" another nurse called suddenly. "We have a Marilyn Howard on the phone for you. Something about not being allowed to drink tap water?" Kathy laughed.

"Marilyn is a first-time mother and I told her to call me if she had any concerns, little did I know absolutely _everything_ would be a concern for her." Kathy explained to Olivia and Elliot. "I'll only be a minute—hopefully"

"We'll wait" Elliot said. "We need a picture of the baby to release to Missing Persons and CPS anyway"

"I'll see what I can find" Kathy said, walking away. Olivia watched her walk off in her pink scrubs; blond ponytail waving. She was so innocent, with no complicity or jaded past to worry about. Olivia knew that she was _something _to Elliot, but she couldn't help but think Kathy was the _best something_ Elliot had in his life.

"You liking the mother for this?" Elliot asked, walking over and gently reaching into the incubator to touch the baby. His hand met Liv's and a familiar warmth surged them.

"Yeah" Olivia replied softly. "She was unharmed, clothed for winter and in a car seat. Plus, if she was abducted there would have been a ransom note. Babies are hot for ransom, learned that down at the 2-9."

"Makes sense" Elliot said, "But what I want to know is _why._" The baby wrapped her hand around Elliot's finger, and Olivia smiled. Elliot was good with children. Under all that muscle and intensity, he had a soft side. Liv had discovered that during that night three months ago.

"Maybe post-partum?" Liv suggested, playing with the baby's foot.

"Most post-partums kill the child or themselves. Abandonment shows something more. Some kind of…"

"Disgust" Olivia suggested. Elliot nodded.

"Exactly. In my first abandonment case, the mother abandoned the baby in nothing but a sheet after her husband died. She couldn't take the constant reminder of him every day."

"I know how she feels" Olivia said, not meeting Elliot's gaze even when she felt him staring at her. Kathy walked back into the room then and caught them in that intimate moment. Maybe it was in the way Elliot's gaze was locked concernedly on Olivia as she focused on the baby, but they looked like that baby's parents. They really looked like the three of them belonged in home videos and photo albums together. Kathy closed her eyes then and prayed to God that Olivia was just some novelty Elliot had stumbled upon. She liked Olivia, you couldn't help but like Olivia, but she wasn't what Elliot needed. Elliot needed simplicity after his experience with his mother and father, and Kathy knew she could give it to him.

"Hey, I found the pictures taken on scene" Kathy said, handing them to Elliot. He looked at the pictures of the Graco car seat and expensive cashmere blanket the baby had been abandoned in. The last picture was of the baby lying in the bassinette, smiling.

"Oh" Olivia said, standing up and joining Elliot as the baby started to fuss. "I think somebody's hungry, Kathy."

"Of course" Kathy said, hating how Olivia didn't just stand _by_ Elliot, she stood _with_ him. "I got it" she said, picking up the baby. Elliot didn't miss how comfortable Kathy looked holding a baby. He just couldn't imagine her holding _their_ baby. Elliot's thoughts scrambled as he felt Liv's chest against his back as she examined the photos over his shoulder.

"Olivia" he whisper-warned, throwing a glance at her over his shoulder. Kathy could practically smell the intimacy coming off Elliot and his new partner. She damn-near dropped the baby formula she was warming up as she stared.

"You got everything there, Kathy?" Liv asked; stepping away from Elliot obliviously as Kathy fumbled about.

"I've got it" Kathy said defensively as she stabbed at the buttons on the microwave. She hated how whenever Olivia was around, she felt as if she needed some type of rope to tie Elliot to her.

"Doesn't look like there was any blood on the blanket" Liv stated, accepting the picture from Elliot.

"She was swaddled in it actually" Kathy supplied, forcing herself into Elliot and Olivia's world "The mother clearly knew what to do with a baby."

"Then what did this baby do to make her mother abandon her?" Liv asked. _Even my mother kept me. _

"Liv, we should check in with Cap before finding out" Elliot said, reaching out to brush her arm just lightly. Her eyes immediately darted up to meet his and Elliot saw something there. Not exasperation exactly, but a true desperation to know _why_ this young mother had done this.

"Alright" Liv said calmly, pushing her own hang-ups out of her mind. "Thanks Kathy," she said, heading for the door. Elliot quickly followed her, never more than a foot behind his partner at all times.

"Will I see you tonight?" Kathy called suddenly, chasing after Elliot. Elliot paused at the door and looked at her, her blue eyes were so entirely trusting and in love with him. She smiled brightly when he flashed that Stabler half-smile at her again.

"You know I can never answer that, babe" he said. He hurried out to the car where Liv was waiting for him, his girlfriend completely forgotten.

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><p><strong>AN: Just setting it up for now. Does anybody know how to indent? Just wondering...  
><strong>


	2. Hiders and Liars

**A/N: Okay, here's the second chapter. I just wanted to thank everyone who's already reviewed and alerted this story. 3 Months Ago has been a process as I've tried to really portray the characters as they were in season 1. This story is finished. **

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><p><em><strong>1-6 Precinct<strong>_

_**11:00 a.m  
><strong>_

"Cassandra Leonard, twenty-eight" Elliot said, sticking the Driver's License photo of a pretty blonde woman with light blue eyes on the board.

"Abandoned her one-week-old daughter, Samantha, in Central Park around dawn" Liv continued, handing Elliot the baby's photo to place on the board. Cragen stared up at the board, taking a sip of coffee.

"She's cute" Fin said, looking at the picture. Liv nodded while Munch, Elliot and Cragen shot him a look. Fin shrugged. "What? She is."

"If you're into little mini-embryonic nuclei here to replace us then, yeah…_she's_ _cute_" Munch mocked. The entire squad rolled their eyes.

"Even babies are out to get us, Munch?" Olivia asked with a smirk.

"What's next?" Elliot asked rhetorically as he pulled out a fax.

"I'm thinking puppies" Fin supplied.

"Actually—" Munch began.

"Write a book on it during your free time, Munch" Cragen commented; interrupting what could have been a week's long debate. "Right now I need you and Fin to run Leonard's name through the system for any priors. We need to know who we're dealing with."

"We just got a hit on the mother" Elliot announced, leaning on Liv's desk as he read the fax. Liv came over and perched next to him, the close proximity not awkward at all. "Her debit card was just charged at Penn Station for the twelve-thirty train."

"We've got to go" Liv said, glancing at her watch as she shrugged on her coat.

"Bring her in for questioning so we can get a read on her before talking to Cabot about charges" Cragen said as Elliot holstered his gun and Liv tossed him the keys.

"Got it" Liv replied, following Elliot to the elevators. Cragen watched the two of them go. Elliot said something funny as they waited for the elevator and Liv laughed genuinely for a moment before catching herself. There was definitely something more than just a partnership between Benson and Stabler. Elliot seemed to know how to make Liv smile when Cragen knew she didn't have very much to smile about. He frowned, wondering when IAB was going to be knocking down his door with accusations.

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><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct<em>**

**_1:15 p.m._**

"I don't know what you're talking about" Cassandra said defensively. "You have the wrong person."

"That's not what these hospital records say" Elliot said, moving from his position in the shadows of the room so he could slide Samantha's birth certificate across the table.

"It lists you as the mother" Liv added gently, taping her pen on the table as she tried to figure this woman out.

"Either this document was forged or neither of you can read" Cassandra said defiantly, not even glancing at the document bearing her name.

"Cassandra" Liv began, leaning across the table to look the young suspect in her eyes. "You didn't make us chase you through Penn Station, don't start being difficult now. Tell us why you abandoned your baby in the park."

"That's. Not. My. Baby" she said harshly, sliding the birth certificate back across the table.

"Really, because she has your eyes" Liv said, showing her Samantha's picture.

"Lots of babies are born with blue eyes" Cassandra retorted too quickly.

"They fade after a week" Elliot said, "Try again."

"I don't know what you want from me" Cassandra said, pulling on a lock of blond hair. "I was never even pregnant."

"Then explain this hospital bill" Liv said, dropping the expedited hospital charge onto the table.

"I went out drinking a few weeks ago, it got a little wild. I-I went to the hospital" Cassandra said, losing some of her cool.

"They wouldn't have given you an epidural procedure for a drunken concussion" Elliot said, pointing out the charge on the paper. Cassandra's eyes flickered down to the paper, and then suddenly began to search frantically for the nearest exit.

"I have a train to catch. Let me leave!"

"Cassandra, you smell like breast milk" Liv stated. "Your stomach's still distended."

"I gained some weight recently. We can't all be skinny ass-busting cops" Cassandra said vehemently to Olivia, but Liv could see the tears she was struggling to blink back. She knew her excuses were wearing thin.

"Stop lying. Trust me, it's _not_ going to help you" Liv pressed.

"That baby's not mine!"

"The evidence doesn't agree with you" Elliot argued, handing Liv a sheet of paper.

"We have charges on your credit card for six women's clinic visits over the past three months" Liv said, walking around to Cassandra's side of the table and getting close to her. "Three checks made out to Babies R' Us—including one for the car seat your baby was found in—and we have _Samantha_" Liv said, dropping another picture of the smiling infant in front of her mother. "_Look _at her, Cassandra. _Look at her and tell me she's not your child"_ Liv shouted.

"She's not!" Cassandra shrieked. "She's not mine! She's _not_ mine!"

"Don't you dare deny her, Cassandra" Liv hissed in her ear. She wasn't angry or empathetic or disappointed, but something way more personal. "Don't you dare deny her, she deserves _better_ than that." Elliot was shocked to hear the emotion catch in Liv's voice.

"She's not mine! She's _his_" Cassandra shouted.

"_Who_ Cassandra?" Liv shouted back as Elliot pulled her away. "_Who_ is 'him'?"

"The man who raped me! She's _his_ child!"


	3. Six o'Clock Minute

**_1-6 Precinct Cragen's Office_**

**_5:50 p.m.  
><em>**

"What are we looking at Alex?" Cragen asked, closing the blinds on Cass's interrogation room.

"If you can get Huang in here to confirm that she has PTSD from her rape, we can go for a felony charge of child endangerment. We'll pray there are no young mothers on the jury and I'll plead her out somehow."

"What about her rapist?" Elliot asked, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting on the edge of Liv's chair. Liv had become oddly silent, retreating into herself and not seeming to be completely here.

"She give you a name?" Alex asked, perching on the edge of Cragen's desk and crossing her feet at the ankles.

"No" Elliot replied. "She clammed up after her confession."

"You think she's lying?" Cragen asked. Elliot glanced at Liv, this was her question. She could tell if a female rape victim was lying before the vic even got the chance to try. But, Liv remained silent, staring at the shuttered blinds in Cragen's window.

"I don't think so," Elliot sighed. "But anything's possible. I think we should get Huang in here to see her, figure out if she's a little left of center or not."

"She's not crazy" Liv said softly, speaking for the first time since she sat down. Alex turned to look at Olivia. She'd only known her for a few months, and though she considered her a good friend, Olivia had so many defense mechanisms and secrets that Alex didn't know what to make of her yet. "She's traumatized, but not crazy. I just _know_ it."

"While I'd love to go on your intuition, Olivia" Alex began, "I don't think a jury will be quite as convinced when they hear she abandoned a newborn in the middle of Central Park during the coldest December on record."

"What do you want us to do, Counselor?" Cragen asked quickly. Olivia didn't need to be badgered by Alex's zeal.

"Get a name and haul in the bastard that supposedly fathered that child" Alex said, as if they could just snap their fingers and have a suspect in custody. "We _need_ a complaining witness."

"Well, we can't force her to give a statement" Cragen said, glancing down at his watch. It was six o'clock. Everywhere else in the city people were going home to wives and children—being part of a family. No one at SVU even considered leaving as an option. If cases didn't keep them chugging coffee in the field or typing reports bleary-eyed at the precinct all night, the fact that very few of them had wives or children to go home to did.

"We can't just sit on our hands either" Elliot exclaimed. "We have to charge her, and we can't do that until we corroborate her story. We need a damn name!"

"I can get it" Liv said quietly, everyone turned to look at her and she stood her ground. "Let me go at her alone, I can get it."

"You sure?" Alex asked skeptically. "If she does have PTSD, it's not going to be easy going." Liv ignored her and turned to address Cragen.

"You accepted my transfer to this unit after seeing me interview a traumatized vic down at homicide. If anyone can get Cassandra to talk, I can." Cragen nodded.

"Alright," he said, "Liv, go get the name." Alex hopped off the desk and headed for the door, Elliot filing out behind her. Liv made to follow him, but Cragen called her back. "Olivia." She glanced behind her, but didn't meet his eyes.

"I know" she said. "You can't pick the vic"

"If you need a minute, take it." Olivia nodded and walked directly into the interrogation room. She had a job to do. Her personal feelings would never mean anything.

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><p><strong>AN: **A/N: Okay everyone, here's a double update for today. I'm glad everyone's enjoying this story so much. The reviews are lovely. I'd love to know what your favorite parts or lines are. Those type of criticisms and remarks are always welcome. **Thanks for reading.  
><strong>


	4. Interrogating the Past

**A/N: This was one of my absolute favorite chapter to write. This is where the story comes in. I hope everyone's following okay, I know this story isn't very straight forward with its intentions. If you have any questions just PM me or review. We'll get there. This story was a journey to write and I hope it becomes a journey to read. If you liked this, check out my other stuff if you have a minute. Oh, and this gets a little graphic here, take caution, but I think you can take it. Thanks, enjoy...**

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><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct Interrogation Room<em>**

**_6:15 p.m._**

"Cassandra" Olivia began, taking a seat across from her. "I brought you something to drink." She carefully pushed the cup of coffee toward her.

"I'm not making this up for a plea, I swear" Cassandra said tentatively as she wrapped her trembling hands around the coffee cup.

"Cassandra—"

"It's Cass, Cassandra is some grandmother's name" she said softly. "God, my grandmother's going to be so disappointed in me. Not to mention my mother" she said, tilting her head toward the ceiling as she fought her tears.

"Cass, I know this isn't easy to live with" Olivia began, "You feel dirty and nauseous at the sheer idea of what happened. You can't sleep, and you don't know if you should eat or go for a run because nothing makes it alright, _nothing._" Liv knew how Cass felt because she had endured those same emotions since she was twelve. Since her mother told her the truth about her father. "You just keep hitting walls, don't you?" Cass's face seemed to crumple them, her indignant veneer vanishing.

"It never gets easier. It's _every day_, no matter what I do. It's. Still. There" Cass said, closing her eyes. Liv felt such empathy with her that she too closed her eyes and forced herself to disassociate a little. This wasn't her mother before her. This victim didn't need to see the hurt Liv had bottled up inside for years.

"Cass, tell me what happened and I will do everything I can to keep jail from being another one of your problems."

"I got pregnant, that's what happened" Cass said, picking at the Styrofoam on the cup. "I had Samantha and I abandoned her at the park this morning. I hoped some kind old lady would find her and love her."

"Cass, I want you to tell me how you got pregnant" Olivia said, even though a part of her didn't want to know at all. But, that was what this job was. It was give and take. You gave so much of you just to take some of the hurt from someone else. "I need you to tell me how you conceived Samantha."

"I told you that I couldn't."

"Cass, I would never ask you to do something I thought you couldn't do. Ever" Liv said gently. Cass just shook her head. "Cass, listen to me. You are more than just your rape. You're the only one who can help me put this bastard in jail."

"I told you that I didn't want to do this, why are you forcing me?" Cass wept, pushing her chair back from the table and pacing angrily.

"I'm not your enemy" Liv said, repeating the very words that hadn't meant a thing to her own mother. "Give yourself a chance Cass." Liv recognized another phrase never uttered by anyone during her childhood.

"I can't—"

"You can, now just _tell_ me what happened" Liv said forcefully. Cass dug the heels of her hands in to her eyes then and sighed.

"You have to promise to catch him" Cass said, hugging her arms to her chest defensively.

"I promise" Liv said earnestly. Cass nodded and turned toward Olivia.

"And put him away for life. I don't want Samantha running into her father on the streets of New York one day." Liv swallowed thickly, feeling her stomach rebel at Cass's words. _Could that happen to me?_ Liv thought frantically. She forced her attention back to the young woman in front of her.

"You have my word" Liv said. Cass slowly walked over to the table and sat down. Liv reached over and turned on a tape recorder. "Where were you attacked, Cass?"

"Outside my apartment" she replied, tears falling down her cheeks as she stared at the wheels of the tape recorder. "I was taking out the trash when I heard a noise in the bushes. The next thing I know, I'm-I'm slammed—" she clapped one palm against the other to emphasize how hard her rapist had attacked her—"into the wall. I dropped the trash and couldn't move. I didn't know how to scream or fight. I was frozen." Cass broke off and tried to swallow down her tears.

"You were afraid, that's perfectly normal."

"I should have fought. I should have tried to kill him" Cass said vehemently, her blue eyes flashing black for a moment before filling with tears. "But he was just so big. Everything about him was huge," Cassandra recounted, nervously clutching her hands into fists. "He pulled my sweatpants down with one of his _paws_ and said 'Keep still and I'll let you walk away from this, move and the garbage men will have a body to collect in the morning'" she rasped. Liv placed a hand over her stomach, feeling it churn as Cass continued. "He dropped his pants and pushed me closer to the wall, forcing my legs apart. I kept thinking of the pain to come, when he…he-he got m-me pregnant"

"Cass, I need you to be clear. Did the man who attacked you rape you?"

"Yes" Cass whispered. "My child's father is my rapist." Liv swallowed down the bile as it crept its way up the back of her throat. _Did my mother say those exact words?_

"Did you see his face or what he was wearing?"

"I-I-I saw his face, white with a scar above his left eyebrow. He kept looking at me to see if I enjoyed it." Liv knew that last sentence would stay with her forever.

"What about his clothes, Cass? Did he wear a suit or…"

"He had on some type of uniform. Uhm…Mark, March, Marche? I think it said Marche" Cass said, wiping away her tears.

"Did you see a name," Liv pressed. "Did his uniform have a _name_ on it?" Cass hesitated. "Cass, please tell me. You're so close, you're doing so well."

"Smitch" she said slowly. "Smitch. I remember, because at first glance I thought it s-s-said Smith."

"Good Cass" Liv said, cutting off the tape recorder. "You did really well."

"What happens next?" Cass asked, exhaling sharply.

"We'll run the company's name through our system" Liv said automatically, relying on her instincts as a cop to overpower her heaving emotions. "When we find the company that hired him, we'll search for a Smitch in their records. As soon as we locate him, he will be arrested for rape and tried. We may need you to testify—"

"No, I meant what's going to happen to S-Samantha?"

"There can be a competency hearing to see if you can regain your parental rights" Liv began. It was like déjà-vu. Simone Bryce had told her that very same thing when she was sixteen and run away from home for a night. She just hadn't been able to take another drunken rampage…. "If your rights are reinstated then Samantha will be placed back in your custody."

"What if I don't want that?" Cass asked, her eyes frantically searching Olivia's. Liv wanted out of here, the walls were starting to close in around her and her stomach was doing things she desperately wished it wouldn't. But she needed to be here for Cass. She was a vic like any other.

"There are other options…adoption, foster care" Liv said, swallowing quickly as she felt her lunch jump into her mouth.

"I know I can't love her the way she needs to be loved" Cass said, shaking her head from side to side as she began to cry again. "Every time I look at her, I'll see him. I'll relive what he did to me. I just can't do that to myself. I-I just can't"

"You might be surprised by what you can do" Liv said cautiously, knowing that her words would affect the fates of two women. Two women whose stories mirrored her own, but had the potential for a better ending. She sighed, feeling overwhelmed. "I'll give you the names of a few good adoption agencies as well as a rape crisis counselor. She'll be able to help you more than I can"

"Thank you, Detective" Cass said.

"Please, it's Olivia" Liv said, standing up to begin the search for this bastard.

"Thank you, Olivia" Cass amended, smiling uncertainly, "For understanding."

"No problem" Liv said, opening the door. _I just wish I didn't understand quite as well…_

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><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct Elliot's and Olivia's Desk<br>_**

**_The Meantime_**

Elliot was shuffling his unfinished DD-5's around on his desk. Munch and Fin had left on a case a while ago and the precinct was uncommonly quiet. Restless, Elliot tossed his phone into the top drawer of his desk. He'd steadfastly ignored it all seven times it had shrieked Kathy's ringtone. He glanced back up worriedly at the interrogation room were Liv was closeted with Cassandra. She'd been in with the vic for well over an hour. As if sensing his concern for Olivia, Cragen walked out of his office and paced nervously over to Elliot's desk.

"Should I go in there" Elliot asked, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. "This is only what? Her third solo interrogation at SVU?"

"You don't trust her?" Cragen asked seriously. Intrusive questions like this about his closest detectives might tell him whether he had a serious problem.

"I trust her with my life" Elliot answered instantly. "It's just this case. She's really let it get to her" he continued quietly. "She puts so much into every case, but I don't think this one's going to leave her anything for herself."

"She ever talk to you about why she joined SVU?" Cragen asked. Elliot shook his head.

"No, until about three months ago I barely knew her" he laughed. "In fact, we hated each other."

"What changed three months ago?" Cragen asked, wondering what the hell happened between two such emotional rogues as Elliot and Olivia. Just as an awkward silence began to descend, Olivia came out of the interrogation room. She immediately walked over to the kitchen area and opened a bottle of water, gagging on her first sip. She placed both hands on the side of the sink, closing her eyes nauseously.

"Liv" Elliot said, getting up and walking over to her quickly. His hand immediately went to her back, a silent sign of support as she searched for control. Cragen watched the exchange with shrewd curiosity. When Liv was certain she wasn't going to be sick, she turned around shakily and leaned back on the counter.

"I told her that she had to stay in the tombs tonight" Liv began, staring at a stain on the linoleum flooring. "She should be released to her mother tomorrow and she's not a flight risk; tell Alex to ask for a light bail" she said, her chest rising and falling raggedly.

"Olivia, breathe" Elliot said, putting his hand on her shoulder. He felt the tense muscles uncoil just the slightest bit.

"Did she tell you what happened?" Cragen asked, feeling like he was interrupting a 'moment' in his own squad room.

"Her rapist's name is Smitch" Liv said softly, moving out from under Elliot's hand when she felt their captain's scrutiny. "He works for a Marche something. I think they're a cleaning service. We should call them now, the night manager might pick up" Liv said, rushing for her computer. She attempted to search for Marche, but her hands shook too violently and she couldn't type the right letters. She was striking the delete key aggressively when Elliot gently pulled her away. She was more on edge than he'd ever seen her.

"Let it go for a minute, Liv" he said gently. Liv looked at him and shook her head. Cass's and her mother's words were blending in her head, creating a cacophony of damage she couldn't process. "Olivia—"

"Go see Kathy or something, Stabler. I'm fine" Liv retorted quickly, storming off to the lockers. She hadn't called him 'Stabler' since that night three months ago.

"Olivia!" Elliot called after her.

"Elliot, don't" Cragen said harshly, stopping him before he rushed into a situation he wouldn't understand. "Olivia's going to be fine."

"Captain—"

"Elliot, just do her a favor and find this Smitch guy. Pick her up in the morning if you're really worried about her" Cragen said diplomatically after he saw the emotion in Elliot's eyes. "Trust me; it's better for the both of you."


	5. Red Light Control

**A/N: I wrote this thinking of Olivia and Cragen during _A Single Life_. Curious as to if I stayed in character, drop a review with your opinion. Oh, and Serena has died already and Jeffries left. When I started this I didn't know her well enough to write her in character.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct Locker Bay<em>**

**_Late  
><em>**

"Dammit" Olivia said, trying to control the shaking of her hands long enough to open her locker. 32-52-12. She'd memorized it her first day, back when she was bright-eyed and relatively innocent. She tried again, 34-50-14. She abandoned the effort and opened Elliot's locker. He never locked it; he had no secrets to keep from anyone. She reached for the bottle of Tums she knew he kept for long days and bad take-out.

"Olivia" Cragen said, taking a step toward her in the darkened corridor. Olivia ignored him and continued to struggle with the child safety lock. Cragen carefully pried the bottle from her hands then and shook out two pills for her.

"Thanks" Olivia managed, dry-swallowing the pills.

"Olivia, there's nothing more you can do for Cass tonight. Let me take you home" Cragen said softly.

"I have reports and files and evidence and—"

"Things that can wait until morning" Cragen said, cutting her off in the midst of her overwhelmed rambling. "Please don't make me order you home Olivia" he said, keying open her locker with his master key and handing her things to her. Olivia allowed herself to be led out of the precinct like a child. Elliot tried to meet her eyes without alerting Cragen, but she was suddenly fascinated by the floor. He watched the elevator doors close behind his captain and partner, unsure if he wanted to know what secret they were keeping.

"Captain, I have everything under control—"

"You know it's not your job to keep everything under control, Olivia" Cragen said, buckling his seatbelt as Olivia yanked on hers.

"It has been for my entire life" Olivia replied, rubbing her stomach uncomfortably. Cragen glanced over, noting her physical discomfort behind this case. The light in front of them turned red, casting the entire car in its glow. "I just…I saw Cass and Samantha…" she trailed off, turning her head toward the window.

"And you saw you and your mother" Cragen finished. Olivia turned back to Cragen, her face completely calm save for two tears rolling down her cheeks. Cragen's heart broke for Olivia. She was such a great person, funny and determined, but he could see that she had a lot of damage hidden below the surface. The glow of the car turned green with the light, and Olivia stared ahead as Cragen accelerated.

"When Cass told me how her _own_ _daughter—_the little girl I'd _just_ seen this morning—was going to be a reminder of her rape, I couldn't help but hear my mother's words. Albeit hers were slurred and made angrier by the vodka, but the sentiment was the same—revulsion."

"Olivia, your relationship with your mother is your own. It's not Cass and Samantha's relationship, but entirely yours"

"Maybe that's the problem" Olivia said, digging her nails into her seatbelt with frustration. "My life has always been based on whatever fucked up relationship I have with my mother." Olivia's distress showed in her use of foul language in her captain's presence.

"It doesn't have to be," Cragen said gently. They were both silent for a minute, trying to figure out how to outrun something that was faster than they could ever be. "You have your job and your friends and I'm sure plenty of guys" Cragen said, trying to bring a smile to her face.

"And how much of that revolves around the fact that I'm the product of my mother's rape?" Olivia asked, feeling her anger rising. "I tried to get married at _seventeen_ to get away from my mother, I joined SVU to make amends for what happened to her, and the only friends I have can never know the truth about me" Liv said bitterly. Cragen pulled up to her apartment building then and idled before it.

"Liv, you're young. You still have so much" he said, watching one of his best detectives—a young woman with the means to conquer the world one rapist at a time—struggle to understand how to be something other than the product of her mother's rape.

"Captain, all I'll ever have is my mother and the rape that brought us together. I'm not okay with it, but one day I'll learn to live with it" she said bitterly as she reached for the door handle.

"Liv, wait" Cragen said. Liv turned back toward him, anxious to end this moment. "You need to tell Elliot" he said frankly. "He's the last one you should keep your history a secret from. Partner's are supposed to have each other's back." Liv dropped her eyes to the curb just outside her building. Her history wasn't exactly a good 'getting to know you' story. Cragen wouldn't even know that she was a rape bastard if he hadn't been her commanding officer, and just as damaged as she was.

"Thanks for the ride."


	6. Paper Thin Denial

**A/N: Has anyone been figuring out my chapter names? Ie. The meanings? There's no right or wrong answer, I'm just curious. Alright. This story is a process that builds upon itself, so hang in there with me. We've got a ways to go**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Olivia's Apartment<strong>_

_**Tuesday, December 17th, 1998  
><strong>_

"Liv, it's me. Open up" Elliot said, knocking on her door. He listened anxiously for her footsteps, but instead heard faint coughing followed by a retching sound come from inside. "Olivia?" Elliot called worriedly. He heard more retching and then a stifled gag before a tense:

"_Coming_!" A toilet flushed and water ran before Olivia appeared before him. "Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked a bit breathlessly as she let him in, a toothbrush in one hand.

"You okay?" he asked, eying her acutely as she stepped back to let him in.

"Yeah, why?" she replied, turning on a false smile that he thought he'd gotten rid of that night three months ago.

"I don't mean to be nosy, but these walls are paper thin. I heard you get sick." Liv resisted the urge to flinch at his concern.

"Oh I'm fine" she deflected easily. Elliot wouldn't learn until later that whenever she said she was fine she was almost always lying.

"You sure?"

"Last night just didn't agree with me, El" she said easily. _Not quite a lie._ She walked back to her bathroom and returned with a hairbrush and turned the TV around to reveal a mirror. "Better light in here" she said in response to Elliot's grin.

"You are such a Manhattan-ite" he said.

"Hey, I've lived in an apartment my whole life. My mother and I didn't need a house in Queens for our Brady Bunch" Liv teased.

"Why don't you have any siblings, Liv?" Elliot asked curiously. Liv's grip on the brush slipped just slightly before she forced her second smile of the day.

"So, you find Smitch?" she asked, avoiding his question and his eyes in the mirror.

"Yeah, works on 33rd street as a janitor" Elliot said, leaning against her door frame.

"Any pr—"

"No priors" Elliot said, intuiting her thoughts. "Unless you count a shitty misdemeanor for public intoxication"

"Yeah, I do" Liv said, her grip on the brush going white-knuckled in agitation. "You ever wonder if maybe he was drunk in public because he'd just raped another girl?" Liv asked accusatorily. "The law may view public intoxication as a shitty misdemeanor, but that doesn't mean it hasn't affected people's lives"

"Liv I didn't mean—"

"What _did_ you mean, Elliot?" Liv snapped, stalking into her bedroom and returning with her jacket. Elliot watched her hurry around her apartment. No matter how many times he was here, it still looked unlived in and hollow. She had no pictures on the walls and nothing but bills in her mail rack.

"Liv, why are you reading so much into this?" Elliot asked. _Oh, maybe because I first decided to become a cop when I bailed my mother out of jail for public intoxication? We can ignore the fact that she was only drunk because it was the anniversary of her rape. _Liv kept moving around restlessly, as if she wasn't really comfortable in her own skin today. "Liv?"

"I'm not Elliot" she snapped, turning to face him. She opened her mouth to add something, but instead leaned back against the kitchen counter and rested a hand on her stomach. "I'm _not_."

"Olivia, what's going on?" Elliot asked gently. "Why is this case getting to you?"

"_It's not_" Liv reiterated, grabbing her purse, badge and gun as she headed quickly for the door.

"You want to explain last night then?"

"Elliot" Liv said, pausing in her door frame. "I'm sorry for snapping at you, but can we please just drop it. Everything's not always what it appears to be, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Liv" he whispered. They'd moved closer to each other than they'd ever been outside of her bed. His body was only a breath away from hers and he suddenly had an excruciating urge to kiss her, to just transfer whatever was bothering her to him. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I know, El" Liv said, dropping her gaze just as he leaned forward. Her bangs fell into her eyes, hiding the emotion there. "I'm just a little on edge" she said, moving toward the staircase. He sighed, willing to let it go for now.

"You sleep last night?" Elliot asked though a yawn.

"You're the one that said sleep deprivation was a pre-requisite for this job" Liv said sarcastically. Elliot smirked.

"And yet I'm still in denial…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Double updates. We're building up to the big E/O moment here. And it's not going to come at a good time or be easy for all involved in this story. I may post the next chapter later. There are 41 chapters in this story. Most of them around this length or a little longer.  
><strong>


	7. Falling for King Kong

**A/N: Okay, just a little insight into the El/Liv partnership as it was in season 1. I'm in the process of looking for a beta (a serious beta) who's willing to bounce ideas around with me. Anyone interested? PM me.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>350 5th Avenue<em>**  
><strong><em>New York, NY 10118<em>**

**_9:30 a.m._**

"He works _here_?" Olivia asked, staring up at the Empire State Building.

"Look, Marche Inc janitorial services" Elliot said, nodding toward the uniform truck parked nearby as he opened the State Building door for Olivia.

"El" Liv said, tapping him on the chest with the back of her hand to get his attention. Her eyes were wide as she turned to face him. "The address Cass wrote down on the hospital records, it was for here. She'd given us her rapist's location all along." Liv ran a hand over her eyebrow, a quirk Elliot was beginning to love. "El—"

"We just assumed the worst Liv, she seemed—"

"So flighty," Liv finished for him. "But, it—"

"Doesn't make it any better. I know" Elliot said on a sigh. Liv looked up at him and smiled slowly. This finishing each other's sentences thing was a new development from that night three months ago. It had taken them nearly a month to realize they were doing it. That was how deep they were in each other's heads. "So, what'd you say to convince Cass to tell you about the rape?" Elliot asked, eyeing his partner through his peripherals as they resumed walking. Suddenly she closed herself off, crossing her arms and watching her shoes traverse the shiny marble floor.

"Uhm, I just told her that I understood how she felt. Typical empathy procedure."

"Had to be some damn good empathy to get a PTSD vic to open up" Elliot said, noting how uncomfortable she had become all of a sudden. They elbowed their way through a crowd of tourists taking blurry pictures of the ceiling before Olivia spoke again.

"It's not hard to recognize someone in a bad place when you see them, El."

Elliot opened his mouth to question her, but thought better of it. While that night three months ago had yielded a shared sixth sense for each other, Elliot still had these moments where he looked at Olivia and had no idea who she was. She could become as opaque to him as she was the first day he met her.

"El, you coming?" Liv asked, walking backward toward the elevators.

"Oh, uh, yeah" Elliot returned, snapping out of his daze and following her.

"Human Resources should have his contact information, we can probably bully them into giving that up without a warrant" Liv said, punching the button for the twentieth floor. Elliot continued to stare at her, trying to figure out where her mystery originated. Was it in the way her hair sometimes covered her eyes, or in the two plain silver rings on her right hand, or was it that undeniable sadness hiding in her eyes? "What?" Liv asked, noting his sudden staring habit as they stepped into the elevator.

"Nothing" Elliot said, watching the floors ascend. "Nothing…"

* * *

><p><strong><em>The Elevator Corridor<em>**

**_10:15 a.m._**

Olivia sighed as she pressed the down button for the elevator. "Figures he wouldn't be here" she scoffed.

"HR said he called in sick" Elliot said, reviewing his notes.

"Oh yeah, he's sick alright" Liv said, jamming her finger against the button impatiently.

"Somebody must have tipped him off that we're looking for him, but we have the home address now."

"You looking to sit on him for a few hours?" Liv asked, stepping into the elevator. Elliot snorted a laugh.

"A few hours, Liv?" he asked. "If he knows we're looking for him, the only way he's coming home is if we bait him. Even then we could be sitting there for days, not hours."

Liv's stomach flipped as the elevator whisked them down twenty floors.

"Mmhhm" Liv mumbled, exhaling through her nausea. She winced, remembering the last time she'd been in an elevator like this. She'd begged her mother to chaperon a school trip and then regretted it when Serena got sick all over the elevator. _Thank you vodka for ruining 3__rd__ grade for me._

"Liv?" Elliot called, waving his hand in front of his partner's face. It had paled and taken on an agitated expression. "You good?"

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking," Liv said quickly as a ding signaled that they had reached the ground floor. She walked out onto the street briskly, the elevator had suddenly become entirely too small. "So what do we use as bait?" she asked.

"What did you use down at homicide?"

"A potential vic" Liv answered confusedly. "Normally an undercover."

"Well," Elliot said gently. "You got the vic part right..."


	8. Classic Damage

**_1-6 Precinct_**

**_10:35 a.m._**

"_No_" Olivia said adamantly. "No way in hell!"

"Liv!" Elliot exclaimed. "That's just the way things work at SVU!"

"Bullshit, Elliot! We don't put vics in the line of fire _anywhere_" Liv said, walking over to their adjoined desks.

Munch rolled his eyes, hearing what would evolve into a classic 'Elliot and Olivia fight.'

"Line of fire my ass" Elliot scoffed. "This isn't _Die Hard_ Liv, Cass won't be in any danger" Elliot tried to reason. "She'll be prepped, there'll be back-up, and we'll be there. This isn't exactly something that's never been done before."

"Elliot, I know how it works. I went to the same _damn_ academy as you" Liv retorted. "But I am not letting you use a severely traumatized vic as bait for her _rapist._"

"I don't care what you're not letting me do, Liv" Elliot snapped. "That's the way we've been doing things for years before you showed up! If you don't want to be a part of it then the door's that way!"

"What are you trying to say El?" Liv asked quickly, her eyes searching his face. That was an insult beyond the line of duty. "You wish I had never transferred to SVU? You want a new partner?"

"Olivia" Elliot said beseechingly. "I didn't mean it that way."

"The hell you didn't" Liv said, taking a rapid step toward him. "I don't know what you think is happening between us, but you have no right to speak to me like I'm some damn rookie that doesn't know what she's doing" she whispered quickly. Elliot marveled at her ability to be incensed at him and yet keep her voice so low it barely called the attention of the rest of the squad.

"Olivia" Elliot sighed. "You're a good cop, but sometimes you just have to trust me. This is the best way to catch Cass's rapist and bring her peace."

"Oh yeah, bring her peace" Liv said, throwing up her hands in frustration. "It wasn't enough that we made her relive her attack and spend a night in jail! _Now_ we have to force her to risk _everything_ so we can catch the man who ruined her life?" Liv stated angrily. Elliot didn't respond, and Liv just shook her head. "Sometimes you have to think about how much things are worth, El" she whispered, meaning so much more than she was saying. She began to walk away then.

"Olivia, don't walk away. Where are you going?" Elliot called.

"Someone has to tell Cass the shit we're about to put her through."

* * *

><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct<em>**

**_Interview room_**

**_10: 58 a.m._**

"Hey Cass, thanks for coming down" Liv said a few minutes later when Cass walked back into the station. She'd made bail earlier. Liv led the young woman into an empty interview room. "How'd you sleep?"

"I didn't" Cass replied matter-of-factly. "After my mom stopped crying and pleading for me to tell her I was lying, my grandmother dragged me to church to try to baptize that devil out of me. I just got in, haven't slept and still smell like holy water and god-damned incense"

"I'm sorry" Liv said softly, handing Cass a bottle of water. She accepted it and rolled it between her palms.

"It's not your fault" she said with a shrug. "I knew this would happen, that's why I didn't tell anyone. Even after I found out I was pregnant."

Liv nodded; a placatory gesture.

"We found Smitch."

"You did?" Cass asked quickly, her grip on the water bottle slick with sweat.

"His name is Jordan Smitch, age 37. Lives in his mother's brownstone and has been a janitor his entire life."

Cass just stared at Olivia, her mouth open just the slightest bit.

"I can't believe it" she said, dropping back against her chair as her red-rimmed eyes once again welled up with tears. "I mean, this prick has been living his life like nothing ever happened," she said bitterly. "It's not fair."

"I know, Cass. Trust me, I know" Liv said gently, reaching out a comforting hand. Cass avoided it though, clearly not ready for any physical contact.

"Did you catch him? You _swore_ you would catch him, Olivia."

"We know his address," Liv replied reluctantly. "But someone tipped him off that we're looking for him, most likely the press"

"Figures, I already saw my name all over the news. 'Young mother abandons child in Central Park.' _Bastards_." Cass scoffed.

"This will be over soon" Liv affirmed. "But, we need you to help us catch him. We need you to come with us to Smitch's brownstone to bait him."

"What?" Cass asked, the uncapped bottle of water hit the floor and pooled at her feet as her world crashed again. "No!"

"Cass" Liv said quickly, trying to calm her down.

"Why would you even ask me that?" Cass exclaimed, shocked and offended.

"Cass, he's fixated on you. There just isn't another way. You want him in jail, help us do that" Liv said, feeling like she was playing devil's advocate with a vic's life.

"Does 'to serve and protect' just not apply to you?" Cass accused. Liv was quiet, knowing that if she said anything it would have her badge permanently in Cragen's desk drawer.

"It's your decision, Cass" Liv said, picking up the now empty bottle of water. Cass leveled her with a hateful stare.

"No it's not" she replied, "At least not _just_ mine. I have to think about the millions of other women in New York that he could hurt if he's not caught. I have to think about Samantha and my family. _I_ don't matter right now."

"You're damn right" Liv said. She hadn't placated Cass yet and she wasn't going to start now. "He's made you responsible for the repercussions of _his_ actions, _his _hatred. Your whole life will revolve around _her_ now"

"You mean him" Cass said, blinking at the raw emotion in Olivia's eyes. This was personal for her. Liv exhaled sharply as she realized her slip. _Disassociate, Olivia._

"Regardless," Liv said. "It's not you who matters right now. But, one day you will learn to live with what _he_ did to you."

"Too bad _one_ _day_ isn't today" Cass said, crossing her arms angrily. She looked out the window, tears rolling down her cheeks as her eyes smoldered with anger. This was personal for her now, too. "You can go away, I'm going to do it" Cass said finally.

"Thank yo—"

"Go away, _Detective!_" Cass practically shouted. She took a deep breath then and met Olivia's eyes. "You've had your chance to do your damage, just send in the next person…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Now you see, this is why I need a beta. I can't decide whether or not to post the transition chapter now, tomorrow or on the scheduled update day because the upcoming installment is a two-shot and critical to the story arc. Hmmm...Tell me what you think about the chapter, but also my dilemma...Thanks!**


	9. Homes

**A/N: This one's short, but it's a transition chapter. I promise, next chapter's worth the frustration of this one.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Jordan Smitch's Brownstone<em>**

**_7:32 p.m._**

When they arrived at Jordan Smitch's dilapidated brownstone it had been early afternoon, now they remained staring at the same bags of trash in the dark of night. Olivia could see Cass pacing. _Window and back, repeat_. Liv couldn't imagine what it felt like to sit in your rapist's house—using their bathroom, turning on their lights, having their photos staring at you. Her stomach flipped at the very idea of going in there as a cop.

"Hey, I noticed your eyes closing, got you some coffee," Elliot said, handing Liv a cup of steaming coffee. Liv hadn't noticed him leave, nor felt the chilly draft that sprang up when he opened the door. She was that focused. _Window and back, repeat._

"Is this?" Liv questioned, accepting the coffee.

"Unless your coffee preferences have changed in the past three months and you haven't told me, then yes, it's two crèmes and one sugar" Elliot replied.

"They haven't changed, thank you" Liv said, sipping the drink cautiously. Caffeine was the last thing her nervous stomach needed.

"So about earlier, are we good?" Elliot asked hesitantly. Liv sighed and watched Cass. _Window and back, repeat._

"Yeah, we're good" Liv said. "It wasn't your fault that we had to use Cass as bait. I was pissed at the circumstances, not you."

"You want to go get drinks if we ever get out of here?" Elliot asked. He didn't know why, but he wanted Liv alone. He wanted the Liv who wouldn't push him away. Olivia put her coffee down, feeling the anxious knots in her stomach reject it. She breathed deeply, praying not to have a repeat of this morning.

"Shouldn't you go home to Kathy? I mean, how many date nights have you missed this week alone?" Liv asked with a quick smile in his direction. Elliot smirked.

"Yeah, but there's something about calling her place 'home' after a stake-out. It just doesn't feel right."

"But going out with me does?" Liv challenged.

"It worked three months ago" Elliot replied with a sly smile.

FLASHBACK…

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, I know a bunch of people hate me right now...but it's going to be okay. Promise! **


	10. 3 Months Ago I

FLASHBACK

**_September 28th 1998_**

**_**1-6 Precinct**_**

**_**7:25 p.m.**  
><em>**

"Hey, you want to grab a drink?" Elliot asked Liv as she walked out of the locker bay. They'd just wrapped her first 72-hour-or-bust case.

"I'm tired Stabler," Liv said, walking over to her desk and rifling through the drawers for a lack of anything better to do with her hands. "Maybe some other time?"

"Some other time my ass Benson" Elliot said. "Come on, it was your first sleepless case."

"And?" Liv asked, finally meeting his eyes. It was as if he could sense that her stomach was still tied up in knots from the stuff she'd listened to. Raped, kidnapped, and tortured, sixteen-year-old Emma had been through it all and Liv had never left her side. This case had been more than just sleepless for Olivia, and the last thing she needed was her damn partner pointing it out to her with a sympathy drink.

"_And_, let's go to O'Malley's. It's on me" Elliot tempted.

"Why do you care?" Liv demanded, turning away from him. "Buying me a drink is a little beyond the scope of what 'partners' do."

"It doesn't have to be. IAB doesn't have anything against partners who don't hate each other," Elliot said softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. They both tried to ignore the spark that passed between them. By no means did they like each other—they were adversaries at best. But, that _worked_ for them. The fights, the hatred, the disdain, it was all hiding something bigger. Something neither of them dared act on. Suddenly the girlfriend sitting at home waiting for Elliot, Olivia's reservations about office fraternization, Elliot's unsure future and Olivia's shaky past, meant nothing. There was only the two of them as they were to each other right then. "The case got to both of us, let's go forget it Liv" he whispered. Olivia turned back toward him and cocked an eyebrow.

"At least you didn't call me Livvie" she said finally, grabbing her sweater and striding away. Elliot watched her go before grabbing his keys and meeting her at the elevator.

"I'll take that as a yes then."

"You can take it as whatever the hell you want," Liv said, exiting the elevator.

"Then it's definitely a yes…and you're doing my paperwork for a week."

Liv smirked at him and they both fell into step, walking along in the pleasant late September twilight. O'Malley's was a local bar frequented by cops and not far from the SVU precinct.

"Why don't you like Livvie?" Elliot asked as he opened the door for her.

"Why so many questions Stabler?" Liv asked. "Are you here to buy me a drink or interrogate me?"

"I never said you couldn't plead the fifth."

"Ha" Liv mocked as they claimed a bar stool. "A cop _and_ a bad comedian?"

"Nothing I can't do" he said with a wry smiled as he signaled for the bartender.

"Oh, I can think of few things," she said, not quite flirtatiously and not quite sarcastically. Elliot gave her a bemused look, but the bartender interrupted them before he could ask her what she meant.

"What can I get for you two?"

"Scotch on the rocks" Elliot said quickly. The bartender nodded and turned toward Olivia.

"Gin and Tonic and a shot of Ciroc," she replied automatically, not even glancing at the drinks menu.

Elliot smiled at her confidence. Olivia was young, but she looked as if she'd been drinking forever—that was how comfortable she was in a bar she'd never been to with a man she barely knew. What he didn't know was that Olivia _was_ nervous; being at a bar was something of a virtue and a vice for her. It reminded her that she was stronger than she thought she was, but also of how easy it was to fall to temptation.

"So, why'd you join Special Victims?" Elliot asked conversationally as they waited for their drinks. Olivia glanced down at the bar then, the mystery that always surrounded her at its all time high.

"I think it's my turn to ask you a question" Olivia stipulated, turning toward Elliot on her bar stool. Their knees met and neither of them pulled away. The alcohol hadn't even started flowing yet and they'd already decided to breach a few comfort zones. "Why'd _you_ join SVU?"

"I always thought sex should be one of the best parts of life, not the worst" he replied, noticing how when you spoke to Olivia you either had her entire attention or nothing at all. Currently her attention was trained on him exclusively. "Plus, there's something about being with a victim when their attacker is put away, you can't see that kind of relief in the eyes of a homicide vic."

"Well there you go," Liv said breezily, raising her eyebrows just slightly. "That's why anyone joins SVU, we all have someone to protect. We all have a reason that we have to give back." Their drinks arrived then and she tossed her shot back with the poise of a much more experienced woman.

"You know SVU is a lot more than just giving back," Elliot said, taking a sip of his scotch. The burning sensation in the back of his throat was oddly calming. Liv reached for her Gin and Tonic and shot him a look, as if to say 'prove it.' "Really" Elliot said. "It's a lot more personal. Every detective who volunteers has a story."

"What's yours?" Liv asked quickly. "What's your story?"

"I'm good at it," Elliot said, as if that explained why he wanted to talk to rapists everyday.

"I'm good at taking out the trash, doesn't mean I'm a garbage man" Liv said sarcastically. It wasn't biting or mean or even flirtatious, it was just who she was. Tough. Elliot smiled boyishly.

"In all honesty, that really is why. When I was younger I practically had the 'most likely to end up in jail' nomination covered. I'm talking club brawls, joy riding, alley fights, you name it—I did it. Always had a short fuse I guess" he said with a slight smile. Liv laughed genuinely and Elliot's smile broadened. He'd never heard her laugh before and he liked it. It was soft and feminine and pretty. "Lucky for me my dad was in the force, so I got away with more shit than the average teen. That's probably why I joined up in the first place. I had to convince my dad that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life on the wrong side of a jail cell"

"How'd you end up at SVU?"

"After I made detective, I was just hanging around the 1-6 following some evidence when Cragen asked me to go at a suspect. Thirty minutes later I had a confession. No plea, twenty-five years for pedophilia."

"So you discovered that you're a natural" Liv said inquisitively.

"We all have our talents." He shrugged nonchalantly and Liv smiled at him, noting his shit-eating grin. The man had confidence if nothing else, and that was easily his most attractive feature. Adding his empty glass to hers, she signaled for the bartender and ordered them something complicated that Elliot had never heard of.

"Don't worry," she said, turning back to her partner. "It's not froufrou or pink or anything. I'm not that Sex in the City."

"It's not that," Elliot said curiously, "I just never thought you drank"

"I don't" Liv said evasively with a tentative smile. Elliot was once again stumped by his new partner as the bartender returned with their concoctions. "Bottoms up," Liv joked, knocking her glass against his and taking a sip.

"Well, I'm drunk" Elliot laughed.

Liv smiled. She hadn't ordered this to get them drunk, but she knew what she wanted to do with Elliot tonight and it would be easier if they were both closer to the edge than usual.

"You like it?" she asked.

"I do," Elliot said, surprised. "Where'd you hear about this?"

"Like you said, we all have our talents" she said with a wink. She was so god-damned sexy, and the fact that she didn't seem to know it made her even more attractive.

"Aside from mixed drinks, what's yours?"

"What's my what?" Liv asked slowly, nursing her drink and thinking that this foray into real life had been her best experience yet.

"Your talent."

"I don't really have one. I'm the exception to the rule."

"Oh come on Liv" Elliot said. Olivia smiled, enjoying her nickname. "Everyone's good at something, even Munch has a talent."

"It's not coffee."

"You catch on quickly," Elliot laughed. "But honestly, what's your talent?"

"I really don't know" Liv said. "No one's ever pointed it out to me. I guess you could say people. People are kind of my talent." She looked up at him, daring him to laugh at her. Instead she got total sincerity.

"How so?"

"Oh, just that I always know when something's bothering someone. I can see when their lying, when their afraid. I have a way of knowing what they need me to say. I guess you can say my talent is being what people need me to be."

Elliot didn't know what to say to that. It was so sad and filled with loneliness. Here was an amazing woman who still didn't know who she was even after she had made so many other people happy.

"Liv, you know a talent doesn't have to benefit others."

"Yeah, but _I_ do. I owe the world that at least" she said softly.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't mean anything, El" she said, shrugging resignedly.

"El?" he asked with a teasing smile. Liv blushed and stared at the bar top.

"Sorry, it's the alcohol" she lied.

"I kind of like it" Elliot said. "El and Liv; like Bonnie and Clyde," he commented stupidly, giving into his buzz. He picked up Liv's empty shot glass jovially. "Thanks Ciroc for the great nicknames."

Liv laughed again and ordered another round. Soon they were both getting sloppy with hands in inappropriate places, laughing a bit too loudly and just not caring all that much for anything. The entire bar was watching them, they could hardly help themselves. Liv and El were just so natural together. They were a kind of soulmates, just for and against each other no matter what.

"So, what are your parents like?" Liv asked as she caught her breath after a particularly rough laughing fit.

"Crazy," Elliot half-slurred. "Dad's always been disappointed in me, even when I got straight, but at least he's not insane like my mom."

"And here I thought you had this golden life out there in Queens," she said empathetically, the full impact of his sentence slightly lost in her alcoholic fog.

"Oh hell no," Elliot laughed, "I couldn't wait to move out."

"You can say that again," Liv slurred honestly, turning back toward the bar and finishing off her drink. Elliot continued to stare at her. She'd be a real asset on the streets; perps would stop just to stare at how pretty she was.

"I was twenty when I left, how old were you?" he asked.

"Seventeen"

"_Seventeen_? How'd you do it?"

"I was engaged."

"Oh wow, how old was he?"

"Older than seventeen, maybe as old as I am now and I couldn't have loved him more."

"And yet you're not married?"

"You and Kathy aren't married and you're the same age and have been together since high school."

Elliot's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Liv laughed then and placed a hand on his arm.

"Don't worry, I'm not a mind reader and I didn't snoop through your desk. She invited me and the ADA, umm Alex I think, to have drinks with her. I'd be careful with what you tell your girlfriend. Get a few Cosmos in her and she's spilling her guts to the entire bar."

"So what'd she tell you?" Elliot asked nervously.

"Just that she loves you," Liv said, shooting him a sideways smile.

"Figures," Elliot mumbled, signaling for another round.

"Not the response of a couple madly in love…"

"She's madly in love, I'm just sort of…along for the ride" Elliot said.

"Been there" Liv half-sang. Elliot smiled.

"You been a lot of places?" he asked suggestively. Liv shot him a look.

"You want to find out?"

"Like I said, I'm just along for the ride."

"Oh really?" she asked, turning toward him. She was half in his lap already and now they were even closer. _Thank you Circoc, thank you Gin, thank you Scotch and thank you Nature for this moment._

"Really," he confirmed, leaning in to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her until she was no longer lonely, until she no longer looked like she'd never heard the words 'I love you' and known they meant something. He wanted to kiss her until she knew that there was someone out there for her. What he didn't expect was having their lips meet and thinking that he'd found the one person out there for him…

"Sex crimes detectives practicing P.D.A in a cop bar, kind of inappropriate" Liv said, pulling back reluctantly. Elliot pulled her forward again.

"I don't care one bit," he said, deepening the kiss. "You're good at this."

"Want to see what else I'm good at?" Liv teased. Still kissing her, Elliot nodded, dropped a twenty on the bar, hardly covering their tab and not caring one bit. "I live a few blocks from here, think you can keep your hands to yourself that long?"

"No promises."

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><p><strong>AN: And another cliffie. Look out for part two of this chap soon...**


	11. 3 Months Ago II

**A/N: Picks up right where the last one left off. Still a Flashback**

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><p><em><strong> Olivia's Apartment<strong>_

_**11:40 p.m.**_

"El, Elliot!" Liv laughed as she pulled away from him. He'd meant it when he'd said 'no promises.' "I have to get my key out."

"I could break down the door," Elliot suggested, trailing kisses down her neck.

"I'm sure my neighbors would love that" she laughed, keying open the door with some difficulty.

"You could tell them it was an emergency" Elliot said as she dropped her purse and keys on the floor. He threw his badge and gun in the general direction of her end table. She yanked his handcuffs off his belt and let them fall to the floor with a clank.

"Oh yeah, I can hear nosy Mrs. Kennedy now. '911, my neighbor just kicked down her door because she had an urgent need to get her bones jumped'" Liv said sarcastically between kisses. Elliot laughed as he let his hands linger on her ass, working their way up. He yanked her blouse open as she undid his belt, letting his pants drop. He had lost his shirt long ago. Liv marveled at his muscles, each one was pure strength. "Tattoos?" she asked kissing one on his upper shoulder.

"Got those in the corps" he said, kissing her bare neck as he picked her up. She wrapped her toned legs around his waist.

"Interesting…" she managed to say between kisses. "Didn't think you…were the type for…tattoos." He placed her down on her kitchen counter. They still hadn't made it to the living room.

"Don't worry. I already found all of yours" he said, his hands in her hair as they both fought for control.

They wouldn't have wanted it any other way, their relationship was not going to yield fluffy sex. They were both way to emotional and passionate and complicated for that. She sat up then and pushed him off her teasingly.

"I have to eat on this counter" she said, backing him toward her bedroom. His hands were reaching for her panties—not surprised in the least that she was a black lace person—and her arms were thrown around his neck.

"Ouch," he said as she pushed him into her bedroom doorframe.

"Sorry, I always forget where that is" she smiled. He rubbed the back of his head, still kissing her. "Let me make it up to you" she teased as they hit the bed. She smiled seductively, straddled him and unhooked her bra.

"Definitely making it up to me, Liv" he commented. Liv laughed, and Elliot loved how she could laugh with him, at him and about him. Being with her this way was more intoxicating than the alcohol. Liv began to trail kisses down his stomach before Elliot reached for her and rolled her onto the bottom and began to let his hands explore.

"Oh, no. I'm on top," Liv protested, biting his bottom lip. Yeah, fluffy sex and civility was out of the question now.

"Fight me for it, Liv" he replied, pinning a hand above her head. Liv felt his hard-on push against her and Elliot paused.

"Liv, do you?"

"I'm on the pill, now stop talking" she said, leaning over and knocking the lamp to the ground, bathing them in darkness. "We don't need to talk."

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><p><strong><em>September 29th, 1998<br>_**

**_7:03 a.m._**

Elliot rolled over, confused as to where he was for a moment. Then he saw Liv sitting on a chair in only his shirt as the sun came up behind her. They'd made love the entire night and only decided to sleep when they realized they both had court in the morning. He ran a hand over his eyes, ruminating on the best sex of his life. He heard a lighter flick and suddenly the air was slightly smoky.

"A guy could get used to that sight" he smiled.

"I didn't mean to wake you, but if you like the view" Liv drawled, blowing smoke upward and letting his shirt gap open.

"Didn't know you smoked?" he said. Liv let the cigarette dangle from her fingers carelessly, as if it hardly mattered now that the naked man in her bed was awake and waiting for her.

"I don't" she said again.

"Like you don't drink?" Elliot teased. Liv smiled, stubbed out the cigarette, and dropped the shirt to the floor slowly.

"Exactly. Just like I don't kiss like this" she said, trailing a kiss from his mouth down lower and lower. "Or do this." She smiled.

"You keep not doing that, and we're going to be late."

"So worth contempt of court" she smiled. Elliot laughed as her head suddenly shot up. "Hey, remember that thing I said you couldn't do at the bar last night?"

"Yeah" Elliot mumbled; his hands in all the right places.

"Let's just say you proved me wrong last night!" Liv laughed. Elliot kissed her then, passionately and softly at the same time. She was perfect—funny, sexy and tough. This was the beginning of something, an intimacy they both needed on some level they would never admit.

END FLASHBACK

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><p><strong>AN: And that is the mystery of three months ago. Not the 'all out admission' that was expected, but just you wait...**


	12. Safety in Blood

**A/N: Okay, here's my second favorite 'action' chapter. I almost named this one 'And the sh!t hits the fan,' but my good sense got the better of me. **

**I don't like long author's notes, but I just HAD to give a shout out to my fabulous Beta Silvrblade! I owe you!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Jordan Smitch's Brownstone<em>**

**_8:01 p.m._**

"That's not exactly something you forget, El" Liv laughed. "I don't think my doorman forgot either."

Elliot smiled.

"You know we never discussed what happened…next" he began tentatively.

"That's because Tuesday night and Friday morning happened next" Liv smiled.

"Liv, I—"

Suddenly her radio crackled, interrupting what could have been a moment.

_10-4, 10-4. Target spotted less than a block away. All units respond. Suspect is wearing a dark blue jacket and uniform pants. Repeat: dark blue jacket and uniform pants. Suspect may be concealing a weapon. _

"Shit," Liv mumbled, rolling down her window to get a better view of the brownstone. She could see Cass as she stalked around. _Window and back, repeat._

"Liv, Elliot!" Fin's voice filled the car through the radio. "Suspect is approaching on your side."

Liv's eyes were trained on the brownstone as Elliot surveyed the area around their car. Both of them were on high alert, their eyes peeled in the darkness for the slightest movement.

"Damn New York and their inability to light streets" Elliot mumbled as his eyes strained in the darkness. He couldn't see a thing. Liv focused on Cass. _Window and back, repeat._

"Get away from the window Cass," Liv begged the woman. Elliot watched Liv shift anxiously and his own nerves rattled. They'd been up for almost twenty-four hours and now that the alert had gone out they were both on the very precipice of the edge. "Shit, I can't see anything, can you?"

"Liv, we're looking at the _same_ _damn_ _thing_" Elliot snapped. Olivia shot him a look, loving and hating how they could go from talking about their joint-sex life to arguing in a moment's time. "Sorry, sorry," he amended quickly, realizing that his frustration had nothing to do with her and almost everything to do with the fact that neither of them could see in the dark. Her radio crackled again.

_Lost suspect. Repeat, lost suspect_

Suddenly there was a crash from inside the brownstone and all the lights went out.

"Son of a bitch" Liv said as they exited the car and ran toward the scene.

"How the hell did he get in without us seeing him?" Elliot asked as he broke down the door. He reached for his flashlight as they entered the pitch black home.

"No," Liv said quietly, placing a hand over his. "Go turn the lights on." Elliot hesitated. "_Go_" she said more forcefully before groping her way down the dark, unfamiliar halls as quick as she could. She heard a scream. "Cass," she mumbled quietly, and stumbled toward the origin of the sound. She heard glass crunch under her feet as she entered the room, not caring that she was going in without back-up.

"Get away from me!" Cass shouted. A picture frame flew across the room and shattered against the wall. Liv trained her gun in that direction.

"Get out of here Cassandra" Liv commanded. The moonlight illuminated Cass's tear streaked visage, but Liv couldn't see Smitch. She was aiming her gun blindly. "Police, Smitch."

"You called the panty police on me?" Smitch asked Cass. The voice came from another direction and Liv trained her gun toward the other corner of the room.

"Cassandra, leave," Liv said, taking a step into the room.

"Oh no, she's not leaving me" Smitch said.

The lights snapped back on then. _ Thank you Elliot, thank you. _Liv could clearly see Smitch only three feet away from Cass.

"Hands, Smitch. Now!" Liv shouted, her finger hovering over the trigger of her gun. Before she could get a shot off Smitch grabbed Cass and pulled her in front of him, training his gun on Olivia.

"And you called a girl?" Smitch laughed. "Figures, you bitches all stick together don't you?"

"Drop the gun," Liv said, "Drop the gun _now_ Smitch"

"Not just yet," Smitch breathed, gripping Cass even tighter. Cass screamed; her eyes wide with terror as tears gathered in them. Her hand was bleeding from the glass of the many shattered picture frames around the room. She must have thrown them as soon as Smitch approached. "I want to see my child!"

"You'll never see Samantha," Cass rasped, struggling in his grip. "If I don't deserve her then you certainly don't!"

"Let her go," Liv demanded, taking another step towards the two of them.

"This doesn't concern you," Smitch said, as if it should be obvious.

Olivia ignored him and took another step forward. Smitch fired suddenly and Liv jerked to avoid the bullet. She didn't move quickly enough though, and gritted her teeth against the searing pain as the bullet grazed the side of her shoulder.

"So you're a bastard and stupid?" Liv demanded angrily, feeling the sting of the bullet in her upper arm but refusing to drop her gun. "Try that again and we'll see who leaves here in a body bag!"

"Oh, did I piss you off beauty queen?"-Liv took another quick step forward-"Move another inch and she dies" Smitch said.

"Let her go, Smitch. It's over now" Liv stated.

"It's never over" he laughed. "Cassandra knows that!" He tightened his grip on Cass's throat and she let out a strangled scream as his bicep threatened to choke her. "Now how about we go see Sam, Cassandra?"

"Never. Samantha will _never_ know what you did to me!" Cass whispered hoarsely.

"That's for me to decide," Smitch said again, tightening his grip on her neck even further. Her feet were hoisted off the ground as she struggled against him, her nails clawing at his bicep where it was clutched around her throat. "You're mine, Cassandra, just like you were that night nine months ago. You're helpless, you're nothing. You're just a receiver for my seed." He turned Cass so she was forced to look at him, but still making it impossible for Liv to get a clear shot. He began to lift Cass's skirt. "You want a brother for Samantha?" he asked her.

Liv's heart jumped, he was going to rape Cass in front of her and there was nothing she could do. There was no way for her to take her shot without killing Cass.

"No" Cass shouted. "_Please!_"

Liv was paralyzed, unable to comprehend what was going on. She gripped her gun with trembling hands, her heart beating like crazy.

"Oh yes, just like last time. Frozen by your own fear. You can't do anything, can you Cass?" he said, getting aroused by her helplessness. He kept raising her skirt higher and higher. As he did so, he turned Cass just the slightest bit.

Liv saw her shot. She had only one chance. If she missed, Cass died. She fired one clean shot into Smitch's knee cap, shattering it. He stumbled backwards and released Cass, his gun skidding across the floor. Liv lunged for it, but Cass snatched it and trained it on Smitch.

"Cass, give me the gun," Liv demanded.

"No, it's my turn now," she said, walking toward Smitch as he tried to get up.

"You bitch!" he shouted, reaching for her. Cass fired a shaky shot. It missed and embedded itself in the floor, Liv flinched reluctantly.

"I'd rather be a _bitch_ than a rapist," Cass shouted, taking three shaky steps toward Smitch.

"Cassandra, don't do this. You're safe now. You've won. _Leave_!" Liv said sternly.

"I didn't rape you, I gave you a child," Smitch yelled passionately. "You owe me!" Cassandra fired again, this time steadily. The bullet imbedded itself in Smitch's shoulder, Liv didn't flinch.

"You gave me a half-monster. You fucking ruined my life _and_ my daughter's life" she shouted. Smitch didn't respond, he was gasping on the ground as he lost blood.

"Cassandra, don't do this—"

"Shut up Olivia!" Cass shouted. "Just _shut_ _up_, he's going to fucking pay! He's going to pay for what he did to me!" She took a step toward Smitch and put the gun against his temple.

"Cassandra, you're not a killer," Liv said, taking a hasty step forward. Cassandra gave one anguished cry and fired a shot into Smitch's head. Liv gasped as blood spattered everywhere.

"I wasn't a minute ago," Cass said, turning back to Liv. The gun was shaking in her hand, her eyes were glassy and unfocused, and her movements jerky and irrational. Her rapist's blood speckled her face and clothes.

"Cassandra, give me the gun," Liv said, training her own gun on the vic as the perp lay bleeding to death courtesy of the vic. It was one hellacious reversal of fates. "Cassandra, you've won. Smitch can never hurt you again, now give me the gun."

"No, _no!_" Cassandra said, shaking her head as she jerked backward with the uncertain movements of a PTSD sufferer. "You just don't get it," she shouted, knocking a whole row of pictures and ashtrays and cups onto the floor from an end table. Liv's eyes mechanically followed the gun. "He'll never leave me alone. You said it yourself. My whole world revolves around my rape!"

"You'll move on one day, Cass. I told you that too," Liv said, taking a step toward the young woman. "You just have to believe me, now _give_ me the gun"

"_No_" Cass shouted childishly.

"Please don't make me do this, Cass," Liv pleaded, her finger hovering over the trigger of her gun. Cass took a shaky step forward and began to squeeze the trigger of her own gun. Liv made a quick decision, dropped her gun and slammed her body into Cass's. They fell to the floor as Cass fired a shot through the window.

"_No! Get off me, get off me!_" Cass shouted as Liv threw the gun out of her reach.

"Cass, please calm down," Liv said. "You're safe now." She consoled her as she restrained her. "He's dead. You saved yourself and your daughter and millions of other women." Liv continued to talk her down as she pressed the silent call button on her radio. Cass struggled and cried in Liv's arms relentlessly as paramedics and cops swarmed the scene.

"Olivia!" Elliot shouted as the paramedics removed Cass from her arms.

"Sir, please step back" one of the paramedics asked.

"Lewis, that's my partner" Elliot said, and Lew let him go. "Liv what happened?"

Olivia didn't respond, but followed Cass out of the house, continuing to whisper comforting remarks to the young woman. It wasn't until Cass was loaded in the ambulance that Liv realized Elliot was there.

"Elliot?" Liv asked him confusedly as she felt her heart rate speed up and her vision turn foggy. "Where…where were you?" She frantically started to wipe the blood from her face with bloody hands. She ended up smearing it everywhere.

"Whoa, it's okay," Elliot said, steadying her as she stumbled backward. "Shots were fired while I was flipping the breaker. I had to stand down," he said, "Liv, whose blood it this?"

"The perp's," she breathed, still trying to wipe it from her face. Cops were swarming all around them, lights were flashing and orders were being shouted. Suddenly it was all too much for Liv to handle, the ambulance, the smell of blood and the body bag—too much.

"Liv?" Elliot questioned. "You still with me?"

"Just give me a minute," Liv mumbled, pushing Elliot away and staggering from the crowd. She was in the alley behind the brownstone when she began to heave. Tears streamed down her face as she fought her stomach's convulsions. Elliot hated to know what was happening in that alley, but he respected her privacy as she vomited, unable to control her physical reaction to the hell she'd just been through.

"Are you alright?" he asked when she returned. He resisted the urge to steady her, knowing it would be unwelcome.

"I'm fine," Liv said, taking deep breaths to calm her stomach. "I-I have to go give my statement."

"Give it tomorrow. Cragen won't mind" Elliot said, noting her ragged appearance. She ignored him and tried to find their captain in the crowd, but found walking harder than she'd expected. Elliot grabbed her quickly before she fell and eased her down on the side of the curb. "Liv, slow down" he said softly. "I got sick after my first time too. It's not easy and you had it pretty rough. You want to talk about it?"

Liv closed her eyes to fight the residual nausea.

"I want to never see this place again," she said, pushing her hair out her face. Elliot handed her a napkin to wipe the blood from her face. "I just want to go home."

"Alright," Elliot said, helping her up. "That's where we're going."


	13. Adrenaline Support

**A/N: Double updates. I wanted to thank all of those who have taken the time to review. Especially ElliotandOliviababies, Charmeddad26 and 11Alexandria7. You're reviews were/are great! Hope you all enjoy!**

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><p><em><strong>Olivia's Apartment<strong>_

_**9:47 p.m.**_

"Damn, my purse is at the station," Liv said as they reached her door. Elliot still had a hand around her waist, keeping her steady. She looked up at him then and smiled wanly. "It's alright El, we cleared the stairs. You can let me go," she said softly. Elliot slowly released his grip on her and she leaned against the wall next to her door.

"You want to stay here while I go back to the station?" he asked her gently. Liv exhaled decisively and rolled her shoulders back.

"No," she said, reaching in her hair and pulling out a bobby pin. "I've got this," she said with a forced smile. She bit off the protective plastic on the end of the bobby pin and jimmied it in the lock. With a bit of fiddling, she managed to open the door.

"Do I want to know where you learned that?" Elliot asked with a smile as he walked in behind her, making sure she was stable on her feet now.

"I didn't like sitting in the hallway, locked out, when I was little. When I got older it helped when my key was somewhere between the party and someone I'd never bring home to mom," Liv joked half-heartedly. Elliot smiled.

"You want something to eat?" he asked, moving around her apartment.

"Ugh," she groaned, putting a hand against her stomach. "Are you kidding?"

"Too keyed up?" he asked knowingly, Liv nodded and placed her badge and gun on the table shakily. She eyed her gun differently than before, as if it was some relict to be revered. Elliot watched her move around restlessly, putting things back in their place, turning a picture just so and struggling not to feel anything. "Liv, calm down," he said. "Let me make you something to eat. You don't have to actually eat it. It's just something to do with your hands."

"If you would like to make bottled water and moldy cheese, knock yourself out," Liv commented, continuing to walk around nervously. She unplugged her hairdryer and put away her toothbrush that was sitting on the table. This was how she handled things, she internalized them. She didn't ask for help, nothing. It all got put deeper inside of her. Elliot sighed and decided to set himself to a task.

"You live like a bachelor, Liv. Actually, you're worse than a bachelor. I have groceries at my place," Elliot said, surveying the meager food stuffs.

"And I have take-out men—_ah!_" Liv cried suddenly, her face contorting in pain as she began to strip off her blood spattered jacket.

"Jesus, Liv," Elliot said, rushing over to her and taking the jacket. Her shoulder was bloody and bruising. "Why didn't you tell me you were hit?"

"I-I must have forgotten," she said, looking up at him with a hint of fear in her eyes. "In all the drama and confusion it just didn't hurt." Elliot nodded.

"It's alright, Liv," he consoled, taking her good arm and easing her into the bathroom. He sat her down on the edge of the tub and knelt before her, removing her shirt one button at a time. "Adrenaline's a bitch."

"I guess so," she said, gazing down at where her hands were trembling in her lap. Elliot started to pull her shirt off her shoulder. "Ah," she breathed, biting down on her lip. Elliot kept moving with grim determination; he had to see how bad she was hit. When she was down to just her bra, her right arm dripping blood down the side of her arm, he assessed the damage.

"It just grazed you, you shouldn't need stitches," he breathed, his own body only a few inches from hers. Liv smiled, feeling a bit reckless with Elliot this close to her.

"I could have told you that," she replied.

Elliot glanced up at her and smiled too, happy to know he was the one who put that smile back on her face. He reached into her right drawer where he knew she kept a role of bandages for sprained ankles and wrists and whatever else she managed to do to herself on the job. He washed off her wound and began to wrap it slowly, watching Liv's face pale with pain.

"You want some aspirin?" he asked as she grimaced again.

"No, it's just a flesh wound," she breathed as he leaned closer to her. "I think I'll live." When he finished bandaging the wound, he looked up at her.

"I don't think a hospital visit is in order," he said. Liv looked down at him.

"Is that your professional opinion, doctor?" she asked, leaning toward him seductively.

"Yeah," he breathed, his eyes darkening.

"El…" Liv whispered, leaning in closer to him. Their chests were touching and her mouth was dangerously close to his when both their phones started to shriek.

"Leave it, Liv," Elliot said, recognizing Cragen's and Kathy's ringtone coming from their respective phones. Keeping her eyes on Elliot, Liv reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. She watched his eyes shift just slightly in confusion as she opened the phone herself.

"Kathy, hi," Liv drawled, not bothering to hide the rising passion from her voice. "Cragen called you?" She picked up her phone where Cragen's ringtone was shrieking again. "Well, he's calling me right now. You want to speak with Elliot?"

"Liv," Elliot said sharply as she held the phone out to him. He understood why she was doing this. She was formulating something to hide the hurt and loneliness their first time together had masked. This case had brought out a destructive side of Liv he didn't know what to do with. So he simply followed along. "Hey, Kath," he said, taking the phone and walking into the living room.

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><p><strong>AN: Now what will they say on that phone? I'll give you a hint, the next to chapters are called "Talking to the Past" and "Hanging Up on the Future." Hmm...**


	14. Talking to the Past

**A/N: Alright the 'phone calls' chapter_. _How long can Elliot and Olivia hold it together?_  
><em>**

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Bathroom<em>**

**_10:30 p.m._**

"Yeah Cap," Liv answered her phone, standing up slowly from the side of the tub.

_Olivia, what the hell happened tonight?_

"What do you want to know?" Liv asked, opening her medicine cabinet.

_ How about how the hell our perp ended up shot to death?_

"Cass did it. I fired a defensive shot to the leg and the perp dropped his gun. The vic and I both reached for it but Cass got it first," Liv said automatically, using her detachment and her training as a cop to remain unemotional. She dug through various anti-acids, nausea-relief liquids, aspirin, and indigestion meds she had stashed. She pulled a few down and shut her medicine cabinet. "I did my best to stop her, but she has PTSD. She just lost it. Before I could do anything, she shot him"

_Bullshit Detective, he was shot in the shoulder before the head. Are you telling me that you couldn't control the vic? _

Olivia stared at herself in the mirror, hollow-eyed and empty as she began to tell her story.

"No, Captain, I'm not. I entered without back-up. Smitch had the vic held hostage. There was a violent struggle—" Liv broke off, putting one hand on the sink for stability. She opened one of the anti-acid meds and took as many as she felt like. "He attempted to rape her—"

_Liv…_

Olivia took a deep breath, ignoring the concern in Cragen's voice. She hated that he knew what she was going through. She hated that he was sympathetic and wanted to help. She did not need help. She was dealing just fine.

"Th-That was when I fired defensively. Then we struggled for the gun and Cass got it. She started rambling, unsure of what she was doing. Classic PTSD. I attempted to talk her down, but she shot Smitch once in the shoulder then again in the head. He died instantly. Cass turned the gun on me. I tackled her, secured the gun and called for back-up to enter." She waited anxiously for Cragen to fill the awkward silence.

_Olivia, I know what you went through tonight was difficult. I know this entire case hit closer to home than you would like. _

Liv was still staring in the mirror, her eyes blank and bloodshot. She kept flashing between tonight and the many nights spent with her mother. Nights spent arguing, dealing with drunken rampages, cleaning up vomit, sitting in the hallway locked out, picking her mother up from a bar, from jail or from some random man's house. Her mother didn't discriminate; she ruined every birthday, every Christmas, every fucking Monday through Sunday. This case had hit close because Liv knew that her mother and Cass were one in the same.

_Liv, are you still there?_

"Yeah Cap, I'm here" Liv breathed.

_Liv, I need you to answer this honestly. Was Cass's life threatened when she fired fatally?_

"No," Liv answered, licking her lips. "Her life was not in any danger. The perp was bleeding profusely on the floor."

_Dammit, Liv. _

Olivia could hear the disappointment and worry in Cragen's voice.

_Did you ever have a clear shot to prevent the vic from murdering her attacker?_

"Could I have fired at Cass? Probably, but I didn't"

_Olivia, I'm only going to ask you this once. What was going through your mind tonight?_

"That I was getting justice," Liv stated, knowing there was too much emotion in her voice all of a sudden. "If Cass killed Smitch, then I had gotten a rapist off the streets forever. And if I did that, then it was okay that my mother was raped. It's okay that I exist because I had helped someone." Cragen let out a frustrated sigh.

_Olivia, I don't want to take your badge, you're a great cop. But what happened tonight cannot happen ever again._

"I know," Olivia said. "I'm sorry. I lost control."

_I know Olivia, and that's why I'm putting you on probation. Until you figure out when you need to control things and when you need to let go, every move you make will be watched _

"Captain, please," Olivia begged suddenly. "It's not going to happen again. I'll figure things out."

_I know you will. But, until then you are on probation. Do not make me call IAB Olivia_

"Captain!" Olivia pleaded, but he'd already hung up. She threw her phone into the shower then, letting it shatter to pieces.


	15. Hanging Up on the Future

**A/N: Elliot's turn. Thanks too all of those who've reviewed, and alerted and all that.**

**I'd like to hit 100 reviews with this story. So REVIEW REVIEW if you can._  
><em>**

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Living Room<em>**

**_10:30 p.m._**

"Hey Kathy, what's going on?" Elliot asked as he paced before Olivia's window. It felt so normal being in her apartment. Not like Kathy's premade loft in the West Side where he constantly felt like he was making it dirty.

_Why did Olivia answer your phone?_

"Because I'm at her place," Elliot said, playing Liv's game. She had wanted Kathy to know where he was and what he could be doing. He and Olivia had just entered a danger zone he didn't quite want to extract himself from.

_That doesn't answer my question, Elliot._

Elliot could hear the anger in Kathy's voice. "Didn't Cragen call you?" Elliot asked. "We just came from a hostile takedown. Liv got sick on scene and I volunteered to take her home. She's shaken-up pretty badly." Elliot glanced back toward the bathroom where he heard pills rattle in a bottle.

_Why you Elliot? Why do you always take her home, or pick her up, or take her for dinner, or go to the gym, or out for drinks?_

"Kathy, she's my best friend" Elliot said. He quickly realized his mistake when he heard Kathy gasp. He closed his eyes and prayed that this was what Liv wanted to happen.

_And what am I? Just your fuck buddy?_

Elliot almost laughed at her poor choice of words. Liv was his best friend _and_ lover. There was no room for Kathy in that equation.

"I need to get back to Liv, Kathy. I don't want to do this now," Elliot said quickly.

_For once I don't care what __**you**__ want Elliot. I only called because I was scared out of my __**mind **__that you were dead. Just like I am every night you don't call or leave me sitting at the kitchen table alone. How do you think I feel when you run from my bed at night? Don't you think that I'm afraid I'm never going to see you again?_

"What's going on Kathy?" Elliot asked confusedly. "I've been gone for longer than a night. You didn't react this way during my tour!"

_ You weren't in Desert Storm with Olivia-fucking-Benson! Elliot, I've loved you since the day I met you. I know I will be a good wife to you because I can live with the fear of you dying, of being widowed and left behind because I want you to be happy. But if you're cheating on me with your god-damned partner, that's something I can't live with!_

Elliot heard something shatter in the bathroom and whipped in that direction. "Kathy, I don't know what you want to hear. But, Olivia and I are complicated," he said, walking toward the bathroom. "I don't know what's going to happen next between you, me or Olivia. But she's not the one I'm going to hurt. I'm sorry," he said, "I'm really sorry for whatever I'm about to put your through." And with that he hung up.

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><p><strong>AN: And here's the inkling of doubt. I understand the shipper view of AK (apathetic Kathy,) but she's still a woman I refuse to believe that any woman would just let their significant other's attention wander. Even one as perfect as Elliot. Review! Next chapter deals with some of Elliot's past...  
><strong>


	16. The Lives We Lead

**A/N: While I am not opposed to flames, I am against "bitchiness" and false senses of superiority. That said, I would like to address the anonymous reviewer: Marie.**

**I watch the same damn show as you. I've seen more episodes of SVU and pride myself on character knowledge and authenticity. That said, let me politely remind you that in MY STORY, Elliot and Kathy are not married and Olivia and Elliot are tied up in a very emotional affair. Elliot's worried about a woman that (even in the show) means a lot to him. Elliot chose Olivia in the last chapter because he didn't owe Kathy anything. Not to mention Olivia was just nearly killed and is sick. So Marie, if you could be patient (or merely read the A/N in the first chapter) you will see the emergence of the Elliot WE HAVE BOTH WATCHED on SVU.**

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Bedroom<em>**

**_11:11 p.m._**

"Olivia" Elliot called worriedly. "Are you alright?" He saw her sitting on her bed. Her bandaged shoulder was bleeding again, as if she'd moved it too quickly. "I heard something shatter…"

"I guess you're not the only one with anger issues," she said, leaning back on the bed. Her feet dangled off the side and she'd stripped down to just her underwear and a tank top that Elliot was pretty sure he'd left at her house. She lit a cigarette, inhaled and then dropped her arm off the edge of her bed, blowing smoke toward the ceiling.

"Liv, what did you break?" Elliot asked, glancing around quickly for her gun.

His time in the corps had taught him that traumatized people and guns did not mix well. He cast a cursory glance around the room and not spotting her piece, walked into the bathroom. His eyes fell on the broken pieces of her phone in the shower and he let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. He was about to go back to Olivia when he saw the various anti-nausea and indigestion meds on her sink. He shook his head knowingly. Even after his time in the corps, he knew that nothing prepared you to watch someone die. He walked back into the bedroom where Liv was still lying on the bed smoking, and laid down next to her.

"Cragen angry?"

"I'm on probation" Liv said furiously. "You're turn, what did Kathy say?"

"Nothing worth repeating" he replied with a sigh.

Liv shot him a look, knowing the damage she had created.

"I don't want to deal with that right now," he said, glancing over at her. He took the cigarette from her fingers and took a drag.

"Didn't know you smoked," she said, parroting his words back to him. He smirked.

"I don't" he replied. Liv laughed and he could hear the tears in her voice. He took another drag on the cigarette before handing it back to her. "I started in the corps and then quit, Kathy doesn't like it."

"Does she like _anything_ you like?" Liv asked, accepting the cigarette. Elliot stared at the ceiling, contemplating the truth in her last statement.

"She used to" he said softly. "We used to be perfect. She was stability, I was…me. We were a good balance."

"The first time I was engaged was like that," Liv said softly, lighting another cigarette on the butt of the last one.

"Whoa, first time?" Elliot asked.

Liv nodded, not elaborating.

"The time when I was seventeen. My mother and I, we'd gotten into this _huge_ fight, and I went over to his house. I thought it was so cool that he had his own apartment," she laughed, and Elliot saw a tear escape.

"Liv…"

"Anyways," she said quickly, taking a nervous drag on the cigarette. "I was a mess, he was secure. Long story short, I woke up with a ring and a new apartment."

"What was the fight with your mom about?" Elliot asked, taking the cigarette back.

Liv laughed bitterly and rolled onto her side to face him.

"The guy who asked me to marry him, he was one of my mother's students" Liv said. "He was in her English class at Columbia."

"Damn, Liv," Elliot said, "And I thought I was complicated."

"What do you mean?"

"Kathy was a nurse at the mental hospital where my dad tried to have my mom committed."

"What was wrong with her?" Liv asked softly.

"She's manic-depressant/Bipolar," Elliot said, passing the cigarette back to her. He desperately wanted her to cry. Anything to let him know she was on the way to being okay. He had no idea how she kept so much inside. "What about your mom?" he asked

"What about her?" she asked uncomfortably.

"You never talk about her and you've never mentioned a father."

"I don't know my father," Liv said reluctantly. She took a shaky drag of the cigarette, her eyes wide and unfocused. "And my mother, what's to say? She hated me."

"Why?"

"Why do you care so much?" Liv asked, dropping the ashes of the cigarette into her palm. She watched them singe her skin just slightly. "_She's dead now_."

Elliot startled, not knowing Liv could sound so resentful.

"How'd she die?"

"Don't worry about it Elliot," Liv said sharply.

Elliot rolled over onto his elbow to face her. Another rogue tear escaped, just one. Then suddenly her eyes got that unfocused look and everything was even deeper inside of her. It was the saddest thing he'd ever seen, her body refusing her the right to cry.

"Alright then, you want to talk about tonight?"

"No," Liv said, and then she leaned in and kissed him. "How about something else instead?"****

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Bedroom<em>**

**_Wednesday December 18th, 1998_**

Liv rolled over and saw Elliot asleep beside her, one arm thrown over her casually. She ran a hand over her eyes and flung her head back against the bed.

"Another point for me," she mumbled to herself.

Ever since she was little, she had this point system with her mother. Every time she proved that she was not her mother, she gave herself a point. That meant proving she could handle her liquor, internalizing her emotions and trying desperately to find something to make her happy. She was single-minded to the point of recklessness in her pursuit of her own unique life. Elliot rolled over next to her, his grip tightening around her waist. Olivia groaned; she knew that sleeping with Elliot was the exact opposite of anything her mother would do. But Olivia had a hard time giving herself any credit for this one because in a way, it was no better than when her mother drank. She was still hurting people, be it Elliot, Kathy, or herself. Hurting people was something uniquely her mother. But, she couldn't bring herself to cut the ties that bound her to her partner. They needed each other, at least until that became too much. Elliot's phone beeped suddenly, and she reached under the pillow where it had gotten wedged last night. He had one new text.

_We need to talk_

_-K_

Liv didn't know what to do. Her finger hovered over the delete button, struggling to make the right decision. She knew Elliot cared for her, but she also knew she would hurt him. She would lie to him to save herself the trauma of letting out all the emotions she had internalized for so long. Elliot didn't need a person like herself, he needed easy love.

"Hey," Elliot said suddenly, rolling over.

Liv dropped the phone off the bed quickly, hearing it land hard in her night table's drawer.

"Hey yourself," she said, rolling over to face him.

"What time is it?" he asked sleepily.

"A little after seven," Liv replied, picking the clock up from under the bed. "We should get up," she said, but he tightened his grip on her.

"A few more minutes."

"El, I'm on probation, I can't be late."

"God, I almost forgot about last night…not the sex…the other part," he mumbled into her hair.

"I wish I could," she replied softly, removing his arm.

"Liv—"

"You left some clothes here a few weeks ago," she said, ignoring his concern. She got up, dragging the sheet behind her, and pulled his dry cleaning out of her closet. She winced as she moved her arm.

"Does it still hurt?" Elliot asked, swinging his bare legs onto the floor.

"No," Liv lied, wrapping the sheet tightly around her as she made her way into the bathroom. "It's actually the least of my problems."

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, so what'd you think? Getting Liv's POV on the affair in here. Review. Flames, constructive criticism and all is welcome.  
><strong>


	17. Where There's Smoke

**A/N: Alright, please read this chapter carefully. It's pivotal to the upcoming chapters and the E/O action later.**

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><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct<em>**

**_9:27 a.m._**

"Cragen stick you on a desk?" Alex asked without preamble.

Liv cast a glance at the young blond she'd come to befriend in an action well out of character.

"Not yet" Liv said sarcastically. "But I have to file my reports on the Smitch case."

"That can wait an hour. You want to go grab breakfast?"

"Oh, that's nice but—"

"It wasn't really a question" Alex said firmly, her blue eyes boring into Liv's. "I don't know what happened last night, but the D.A is all over my ass. I'm giving you one chance to explain your actions or I'm going to be prosecuting three victims: Smitch, Cass _and you."_

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><p><em><strong>Delila's Diner <strong>_

_**10:01 a.m.**  
><em>

"Two eggs over light and some toast, please" Alex said to the waitress.

"Nothing for me," Liv said quickly, handing her menu back.

"You know breakfast is the most important meal of the day" Alex stated as the waitress walked off.

"Ugh, not this day" Liv said. "I'll just end up seeing it again. My stomach's not up to food."

"You okay?" Alex asked concernedly.

"I haven't been feeling my best, probably just coming down with something. I'll be fine," Liv said, taking a sip of her water to quell the nausea that had been plaguing her all week. "This case isn't exactly helping either," Liv added, glancing around anxiously.

"Speaking of the case," Alex began, folding her hands before her on the table. "Tell me about last night?"

Liv swallowed, suddenly knowing how it felt to be on the other side of that interrogation table.

"What do you want to know?" Liv asked Alex the same question she'd asked Cragen, going straight into cop-mode.

"I want to know _what_ happened. I don't care who got shot when or how. I don't care about any of the shit that DNA and ballistics can tell me. I want to know what was going through everyone's head, including yours."

"I-I" Liv stuttered.

"Start from the beginning," Alex said, taking out a legal pad and clicking a pen.

"Is this going to be filed as evidence?" Liv asked apprehensively.

"Maybe. Go ahead Liv, start," Alex said, drawing a few circles on the legal pad to make sure the pen could capture every word Liv said.

"Alright," Liv said, clearing her throat. "Uhm, we got the radio that back-up had lost their visual on the suspect. Then we heard a crash from the suspect's brownstone. Elliot broke down the door and I told him to go turn the lights on. Smitch must have flipped a breaker to confuse us."

"Okay Liv, stop" Alex said.

Liv ran her clammy hands down her thighs and took another sip of water, feeling even sicker as Alex continued to stare at her.

"Don't repeat your report back to me. Just talk to me."

"I am" Liv snapped.

"No you're not" Alex retorted. "I don't want to hear whatever they trained you to say at the academy. I want to know what went through your head."

Liv exhaled irritably, growing defensive.

"You better get used to it Liv, this is what happens in Special Victims" Alex stated.

"So people keep telling me," Liv sighed before continuing reluctantly, "When El and I heard that back-up had lost Smitch, we both just stared at each other. We knew shit was going down _now_. Elliot kicked in the door and instead of us ambushing Cass and Smitch, I sent him to turn the lights on. I found Cass and Smitch arguing. From there it just spiraled out of control. The guns were fired and I was shot in the arm. Smitch tried to rape Cass again, I shot him in the leg and then somehow Cass got the discarded gun before me and killed Smitch. Then she tried to kill me and I tackled her. The rest is kind of a blur" Liv said in one rushed breath.

"Alright, Olivia," Alex said softly, clicking her pen and ending what she was writing. "Better. But I'm not IAB, there's nothing to hide from me."

"You think I'm protecting someone?" Liv asked indignantly.

"I don't know what to believe, Liv. You let a vic kill her attacker right in front of you. I need a pretty damn solid case for the mental states of all on scene if you or Cass wants to live your lives outside of a jail cell."

"Should I call my union rep?" Liv asked angrily.

"If you have something to hide, go ahead" Alex replied baldly. Liv looked up then, wetting her lips uncomfortably. Alex had never seen bad-ass Benson so shaken. "Liv, just talk to me…"

"You really want to know why I let Cass shoot her rapist?" Liv asked; her eyes dark with a mixture of regret and resentment. "You want to know why I think Smitch got everything he's ever deserved?"

"Only if you tell me the truth" Alex said impatiently.

Liv took a deep breath and stared down at the Formica table.

"The truth?" Liv asked. It was a foreign concept she'd been forced to give, but never received. "The truth is that the only thing I know about my father is that he's the man who _raped_ my mother," Liv said passionately. "So yeah, I am a bit biased for the vic this time."

Alex flinched and placed her pen and pad away. This was not something the defense needed to know.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry. I didn't know—"

"That I'm a rape bastard?" Liv questioned, crossing her arms. "Yeah, not something I thought you'd need for opening statements" Liv snapped.

Both women avoided eye contact then. Alex stared at her notes, and suddenly it all made sense: Liv's presence in SVU, her empathy with children and rape victims, and most of all her sadness. SVU was Liv's redemption. It was her chance to be herself and not just what her mother saw her as: a devastating consequence.

"I-I don't know what to say," Alex said, taking a nervous sip of her water. "Does Cragen know?"

"Yes," Liv said, avoiding eye contact. "He's the only one though."

"You haven't told Stabler?"

"No."

"But you guys are so close" Alex blurted. "Surely—"

"Let's just say he knows other things about me," Liv said, staring directly in Alex's eyes for the first time all morning. Alex gaped at Olivia.

"No" she breathed. She glanced around then, as if IAB was eavesdropping on their conversation in a ratty diner. "You're sleeping together" she whispered incredulously.

"Sleeping together…having complicated-casual sex…your choice" Liv said with a shrug.

"How long?"

"Since my first seventy-two hour" Liv said. "I actually saw my mother's case when I was logging Emma's file. I didn't have the nerve to open it."

Alex nodded. Olivia's redemption was quickly becoming her penance.

"How'd it start?"

"I was upset; he was there. We both got drunk for an excuse and one thing led to another." Olivia broke off and shook her head. "We both knew it wasn't a one time thing, but things are getting more complicated then I initially wanted."

"We _are_ talking about Kathy's Elliot? Kathy as in the perky blond who can't hold her liquor?"

"That Kathy, but I don't know if El is still her Elliot" Liv said. "I created some trouble last night."

"Olivia…" Alex began to chastise.

"What?" Liv snapped, "Can't I have one damn thing? Just one thing that's not irreversibly damaged?" Liv exclaimed.

"Of course you can Liv," Alex said softly, "But you can't pretend that having an affair with your partner isn't one hell of a cluster fuck."

Alex's food arrived then and Liv swallowed uneasily, her stomach churning as the smell wafted towards her. The bell above the door to the diner tinkled and suddenly Elliot walked in.

"Fuck" Liv said under her breath.

"What?" Alex asked, turning around. She saw Elliot and her eyes widened. "Today's just not your day" Alex said to Olivia as Elliot approached their table.

"Where'd you come from" Liv asked Elliot. "I thought Cap sent you to the lab?"

"Then he sent me to find Alex. We've been served" he said.

"What?" Alex asked, ripping open the folder Elliot handed to her. She quickly scanned the documents. "Defense wants to press charges against Olivia," she said, astounded.

"_What_?" Liv exclaimed.

"Why?" Elliot asked, placing a comforting hand on Liv's shoulder.

"Apparently they're ruling Jordan Smitch's death the result of police negligence" Alex continued to read.

"That's bullshit" Elliot exclaimed. "Bastard was going for suicide by cop."

Liv placed a hand over his in equal parts fear and to prevent him from making a scene. Alex tried really hard not to stare at their level of intimacy now that she knew exactly how close they were.

"They're saying that because Cass was acting under the NYPD's supervision when she shot Smitch that the police failed to control one of their own."

"What does that have to do with me?" Liv asked.

"They're saying that you conspired with the victim to allow 'an agent of the police' to harm a suspect" she read. "You could be looking at Man two, Liv."

Alex stared Olivia dead in the eyes then. Both women knew that these _weren't_ the most ludicrous charges ever. Someone was going down for this, whether they were truly guilty was another problem entirely.

"No one should have died" Liv said finally. "I screwed up, how do I fix it?"

"Well, I'm going down to the D.A's office to file some charges of my own" Alex said. "They're not getting away with this. Smitch is being charged with attempted murder of a police officer, rape, attempted rape and—if I can—illegal possession of a firearm."

"Is Cass facing charges?" Liv asked quickly.

Alex sighed and crossed her arms.

"Assault charges at the least" she said. "But, if Smitch's lawyer gets a stick up his ass we could be looking at murder two. Then not only will I be prosecuting Smitch, but defending Cass."

"What are you looking at for a defense?" Elliot asked.

"I'm going for an insanity plea" Alex said resolutely. "But I need your statement Liv, including an in-depth report on Cass's mental health on scene if I'm going to get the judge to buy the defense and have opposing council drop the charges against you."

"You've got your work cut out for you" Elliot said.

Alex nodded.

"I'll be buried in paper for years" Alex said, watching Liv drop her head into her hands again. "Liv, are you going to be okay?" Alex asked, meeting Liv's eyes in a way meant to convey she wasn't just talking about the charges.

"Yeah, I told you I wasn't feeling too great. I'll be fine though" she said with a weak smile.

"I'll see you guys later then," Alex said, dropping a twenty on the table and walking off.

Elliot and Olivia watched her leave, confidence and power in her stride. Olivia let Elliot lead her to the Sedan with a hand to her lower back.

"Liv, have you seen my phone?" Elliot asked when they got in the car. "I couldn't find it this morning."

Olivia shook her head.

"I haven't seen it since last night," she lied compulsively, knowing that one day this behavior was going to kill her. She exhaled irritably and knocked her head back against the seat.

Elliot glanced over, noting her frustration.

"Liv, Alex is going to figure it out. I've had plenty of overzealous newbie defense attorneys try to pin something on me that their client provoked. It's a ploy to increase their conviction rates."

"El, if I let the defense drag my name through the system then not only do I lose my job, but Cass is tried also. I think we've put her through enough already, don't you?"

"So go convince her to take a psyche defense," Elliot said, starting the car.

"I'm going to do something, that's for sure," Liv said, staring out the window.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So Alex knows...hmm. Let's see where all this smoke takes Liv, Elliot and Alex to...  
><strong>


	18. There's Fire

**A/N: And here's the fire. For all of you wondering about Cass, pay close attention here. Her story lines coming up and let's just say there's a bit of a cluster coming up.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Mercy General Hospital<em>**

**_10:40 a.m._**

Liv walked into Cass's room holding a bouquet of happy birthday balloons. Upon seeing the balloons, Cass sat up in the hospital bed and cocked an eyebrow inquisitively.

"It was all they had" Liv said.

Cass nodded.

"I suppose Hallmark doesn't make a 'happy day after shooting your rapist' kit?" Cass said sarcastically.

Liv placed the balloons down and cleared her throat awkwardly.

"No, those and the 'sorry you were almost raped again' kits aren't bestsellers" Liv said softly.

Cass smiled.

"We did what we had to," Cass said, pulling her legs up under herself. "I don't regret a thing" she said softly.

Liv nodded and took a seat next to her cautiously. Cass looked up at her.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" she asked.

"If you're crazy, I should be locked up," Liv said, avoiding the question. Neither of them could bare the truth that was dangling between them.

Cass cracked another smile.

"Your A.D.A doesn't seem to agree with us," she replied, reaching over to the bedside table. She pulled out a formal looking document. Liv recognized it immediately as a summons to court. "She gave these to me."

Liv took the papers and read them quickly. Alex had done exactly as she said she would and motioned for a psyche defense.

"Your A.D.A's very…persuasive" Cass said, choosing her words carefully.

"Ha" Liv snorted a laugh. "That's an understatement."

"Yeah well, no matter what she said, I don't think I'm going to take the defense" Cass said, taking back the summons from Liv. "I told you that first day that I was sane when I abandoned my child, and I was just as sane when I killed her father."

Liv nodded, hearing the words of a PTSD vic—and ignoring them.

"Cass, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to answer truthfully, it's completely off the books."

"Alright" Cass said evenly.

"Was it your intention to kill Smitch the entire time you were there?"

"Yes" Cass said nonchalantly. "From the moment I got in his house and saw all his baby photos and vacation pictures sitting around me. I killed the lights when I saw him coming, then I let him in the back door. He wasn't leaving there alive."

Liv nodded, she'd had her suspicions that this was what had happened all along. You don't just lose sight of your suspect, no matter how dark it is.

"How did you two get into the stand-off?" Liv asked.

"When he came in, I had a piece of glass from the smashed picture frames clutched in my hand to kill him with, just one quick jab to the neck. But, he had a photo of Samantha. He kept saying he wanted to see his daughter. I lost it and started yelling and screaming. He immediately pulled the gun and wrenched the glass from my hand."

"Cass, why didn't you let me do my job out there last night?" Liv questioned.

"Would you have killed him?" Cass asked quickly.

"I would have done my job, Cass."

"But, you wouldn't have killed him. You shot him in the leg, Olivia. You meant to disarm him, never to kill him. And that's okay, not everyone can kill someone."

Liv nodded, knowing it was true. She never would have had the nerve to kill Smitch. She was trained as a cop to protect everyone, whether they were a rapist or a saint didn't matter.

"Why'd you shoot him twice?" Liv asked. "The shoulder would have killed him."

"The shoulder was just to make sure that I could do it" Cass said softly.

As Cass spoke, the rational side of Liv's brain kept screaming PTSD, but the emotional side just saw a young woman who'd done nothing but what Liv's mother hadn't been able to do.

"Even after everything he'd done to me and Samantha, it was so hard to kill him. But, after I had done it I hardly knew what I was doing anymore" Cass continued, dry-eyed and unemotional.

"That's why you pulled the gun on me?" Liv asked.

"Yeah, sorry about that" Cass said sheepishly. "It's just, after you've done it once it's not so hard to see yourself doing it again. I knew I couldn't hurt you, I _knew_ it. But I kept seeing all the shit Smitch had done to me and I wanted to let some of it go, you know?"

"I understand," Liv said softly.

Cass nodded and leaned back, looking up at the ceiling.

"Am I going to jail?" she asked.

Liv closed her eyes and ignored all her training.

"Not if I can help it" she replied. "If you don't want the psyche defense, then we have to go for self-defense. If we can get opposing council to drop the charges to manslaughter, then we can go for a self-defense plea easily. All we have to prove is that one of our lives was jeopardized when you shot Smitch."

"That's going to be a little difficult considering the only people who had a gun when he was shot were you and me."

"But, he pulled a gun on us" Liv said strongly. "You took the gun because you believed your life was in danger. You said yourself that there was glass everywhere. He could have easily stabbed either of us."

"That's good," Cass said, sitting up quickly. She rearranged her I.V. lines so she could swing her legs to the floor and pace. Liv ignored the nervous energy of a PTSD vic. "If you say that you didn't have a clear shot without shooting me—"

"Which is true" Liv interrupted.

"—then I'll say that when Smitch went down he could have reached for the glass."

"Not 'could have'" Liv said. "Had the _intention_ of. That's a stronger defense."

"Right, right" Cass said quickly, pulling her I.V. behind her as she paced. "The A.D.A said that she'll be asking mentality questions. Don't mention PTSD" Cass said.

"As long as you don't mention how I froze, then I won't mention PTSD" Liv said resolutely.

Cass nodded, and they both shared a conspiratorial look. More secrets to keep, Liv thought fleetingly.

"I'll see you before the trial?" Cass asked.

"I'll bring clothes by for you," Liv said, standing up and letting herself out.

She'd just broken so many rules, but it was worth it. She could exist if Cass got off, it wasn't so horrible what some stranger had done to her mother as long as Cass got justice. She kept telling herself that until she could justify allowing a traumatized killer to run free…

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><p><strong>AN: I have nothing to say. I want to hear what you have to say about Liv's decision. Review!**


	19. Seek and You Shall Find

**A/N: Alright. We're starting to let everything just hit the fan here. Thanks for the wonderful reviews. I wanna hit 100 with this story, so keep 'em coming.  
><strong>

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Apartment<em>**

**_Thursday, December 19th 1998_**

Liv was already staring at the ceiling when her alarm clock sounded at seven. Elliot was picking her up for work in an hour. She rolled over and shut the alarm off. All night she'd gone over what she and Cass had decided to present to Alex.

It wasn't the truth, but justice didn't always favor the truth.

Liv walked into the bathroom then and peeled off her tank top and shorts. She might as well have slept in her work clothes. It wasn't like she had to worry about creasing them during a good night's rest. She ran the hot water in the shower and got in, leaning her head against the tile wall as she felt her stomach jumping around like it had been all week. She ignored her nausea; quickly shut the water off and pulled on a pair of gray slacks and a purple button-down. She reached for her hairdryer when her buzzer sounded.

"You're early El" Liv mumbled to herself as she pressed the buzzer. "Yeah El, come on up." She walked back into the bathroom and began to dry her hair. She'd just stopped to wait for another wave of nausea to subside when there was a sharp knock on the door. "Relax, El. I'm coming," she called, walking to the door. She flung the door open and came face to face with Alex.

"What the hell is this Olivia?" Alex asked, stalking into her apartment without preamble. Liv stepped back to avoid getting run over by Alex's Louboutins.

"It's my statement," Liv said quickly, not even glancing at the paper.

"It's _bullshit_, that's what it is" Alex said, throwing the offending document at Olivia. "We had an agreement. Psyche defense. Cass walks with minimal time in rehab for PTSD. You walked on the same defense, claiming that you could not be held responsible for the actions of the mentally ill."

"Alex, Cass isn't crazy. She shot him in self-defense," Liv stated, crossing her arms over her chest.

"That's not what you told Cragen!" Alex retorted, her voice rising in anger.

"You spoke to my Captain about me?" Liv asked indignantly.

"Yeah, Liv, it's called doing my job. Cragen told me you were shaken-up pretty badly, but I didn't think you were so out of it you'd make up this shit!"

"Alex, I'm not going to lie so you can increase your conviction rate!"

"Don't pull that shit, Liv," Alex said, taking a step closer to her. "You're identifying with Cass!"

"I was never raped," Liv said, standing her ground. Alex stepped even closer.

"That doesn't matter. You're associating as a victim. That's why you let Cass shoot Smitch, that's how you got her to give up Smitch's name during that first interrogation, and that's why you made up this shit" Alex said irately. "Face it Olivia, this case got to you because you see _yourself_ in Cass and Samantha. It's time to wake up, Olivia, not everyone has the same hang-ups as you!"

"This isn't about m—" Olivia couldn't finish the lie. Her stomach, already tied up in nauseous knots, rebelled. She raced to her bathroom and only made it to the sink before she got sick. She hadn't even eaten that morning and spent at least five minutes dry heaving, struggling to breathe through her pain. Alex waited through the violent spasms until she heard Liv splashing her face with cold water.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked concernedly, handing her a towel.

"Fine. I told you I wasn't feeling well yesterday," Liv said, pulling herself off the sink and walking back into her bedroom to rifle through her closet for a new shirt. Alex followed her and sat on the bed, poking through Liv's bedside drawers. She saw Elliot's phone buried under an unopened box of condoms. It flashed with seven missed calls, all from Kathy.

"Liv, listen" Alex sighed as Liv pulled on a light blue shirt. "I shouldn't have thrown something you told me in confidence back in your face, but you told me about your mother for a reason" she continued. "I remember when she died, you looked _so_ relieved. You can't tell me that you want Samantha to go through whatever you went through with your mother. Cass has severe PTSD, she needs help."

"Cass doesn't even want Samantha," Liv said quickly, pulling on a jacket and reaching for her gun and badge.

"Then why'd she file these this morning?" Alex asked as she passed Liv the papers needed for a competency hearing. "Cass is a great woman, Liv. Did you know that before she was raped she was pre-law at Columbia and dating a doctor?" Alex asked.

Liv looked up at her and shook her head. "She'll get her life back. She has to."

"For who Liv?" Alex asked. "Her or you?"

Liv didn't answer. It was better if the truth remained unsaid just then. Alex sighed; half-wishing she'd stayed in appeals, but knowing this was where she needed to be.

"Olivia, I know you want to believe that Cass has a chance for a normal life again, but the recovery process from rape and PTSD isn't easy. You know that. You lived through it" Alex continued.

The buzzer interrupted them suddenly and Alex and Liv whipped their heads towards Elliot's voice calling for Liv to come down.

"I need to go," Liv said quickly, pushing past Alex to gather her things.

Alex followed her movements with her eyes, at a loss as to what she should do. The two women walked to the door and Liv hesitated.

"I can change my statement Alex, but either way Cass is screwed. I can't live with that."

"Go visit her," Alex said gently, hoping that Olivia's intuition would reveal the truth. "I want you to hold Samantha and then tell me who the victim is here. We can't save them both Olivia."

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><p><strong><em>Mercy Hospital<em>**

**_9:00 a.m._**

"Liv, can you deal with this alone?" Elliot asked, glancing toward the nurses' station. "Kathy really needs to talk to me…"

"Yeah fine," Liv answered distractedly, not hearing a word Elliot said. She glanced back though to see Elliot walking over to a very pissed off looking Kathy. Liv quickly looked away and walked into Cass's hospital room.

"Hey" Cass said brightly. She was sitting in bed holding Samantha. "Look who the nurses brought me?"

"Oh, that's great" Liv said haltingly.

Cass glanced up. "What's wrong?" she asked perceptively.

"Oh, nothing" Liv said quickly. "I brought you clothes" she said, placing a skirt and top on the bed next to Cass and her daughter.

Samantha gurgled contentedly as Cass let her breastfeed. Cass looked up and caught Liv staring. "It doesn't seem right does it?" Cass asked. "Considering only a week ago I abandoned her in the park."

"Cass, why are you doing this?" Liv asked. "Why'd you file for a competency hearing?"

"I just want my life back now. Smitch is dead, it's my turn," she said evenly, smiling at the baby. Liv had never seen Cass so carefree and comfortable. She'd always been angry and on the verge of tears. "I want to try this mom thing now."

"Oh," Liv managed. "That's quite a change of heart."

"Yeah, I suppose," Cass shrugged, and Samantha giggled at the sudden movement.

Cass smiled at her baby and Liv gawked at the two of them. The first time she'd met Cass she was trying to hop a train to Florida after abandoning her daughter, _then_ she'd had a mental breakdown and shot her rapist, and _then_ she'd formulated this half-truth plan to avoid jail time. What was Liv doing enabling a woman so far from sanity?

"You want me to hold Samantha while you change?" Liv asked.

Cass looked up and nodded. "That'd be great," she said, handing the baby to Liv.

"Hi, Sam," Liv said, smiling at the baby. Samantha's blue eyes stared up at her, a practical mirror image of Cass's. But, Liv could see that the baby had her father's nose. Liv quickly pushed the image of Smitch lifting Cass's skirt from her mind, favoring instead the peace facilitated by holding Sam. Liv felt that pang she always got when she held children, knowing that if she ever had any they would be a fourth rapist and a fourth drunk.

"I'll be right back," Cass said quickly, picking up the clothes and walking breezily into the bathroom.

Liv watched her go before the baby started to squirm in her arms. "It's okay Samantha" Liv cooed to the baby. "Your mom's coming back."

Samantha started to fuss again and Liv began to jiggle her up and down, making her way around the room. She hadn't meant to snoop, she really hadn't, but later she would be glad she did. Peaking out from Cass's personal affects were her discharge papers, including her diagnosis of PTSD and clinical depression. Liv glanced over to the bedside table and saw three starter pill jars. She shifted Samantha to one arm and picked each the jars up. One was for Zoloft, one for Percocet and the other an anti-anxiety drug. Each of them had a prescription form attached. "Son of a bitch" Liv said. Each jar was missing a pill and there was an empty glass of water on the bedside. Cass wasn't moving on, she was high. The hospital had regulated her personality so she appeared to be as stable as she was before the rape.

"Hey," Cass said, walking back into the room. "How do I look?" She spun in a slow circle.

Liv quickly put the pill bottles down and started to rock Samantha. The shirt fell off Cass's shoulders and the skirt hung low on her waist. She was thinner than anyone should be after having a healthy child. How could Olivia believe Cass could take care of a child when she couldn't even take care of herself?

"You look great" Liv lied.

Cass smiled and reached for Samantha. Liv passed her over reluctantly. The baby giggled in her mother's arms, not knowing that the arms that held her had left her for dead and shot her father. "So you talked to Alex? Everything's in place for today?" Cass asked quickly, bouncing Samantha on her hip.

Liv couldn't respond. She kept seeing this old home video where her mother was holding Liv in the beginning of the tape, just like Cass was doing with Samantha now. But, the end of the tape showed her trying to feed Olivia while hungover, yelling at Liv when she slammed her spoon on the highchair. Liv couldn't help but think of it as a premonition for what would become of Cass and Samantha.

"Olivia" Cass prompted.

Olivia blinked a few times, coming back to reality. She glanced back at the pills quickly. "Yeah, I'm going to go over it all again with her now" Liv said. "I'll see you later" she called over her shoulder as she bolted from the room to call Alex. She had found her victim.

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><p><strong>AN: For those of you waiting to see how it plays out for Cass...it's not looking too good. Liv's a straight shooter most of the time...couldn't let her get too out of control here. At least not yet ; ) **


	20. 3 People

**A/N: Alright, a little E/O to tide you over until the huge E/O scene (I'm talking humongous) coming up in like four or so chapters. Hope you enjoy. And here's another answer from the summary, the '3 people' part.**

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><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct<em>**

**_3:30 p.m._  
><strong>

Olivia kept watching the clock. _Three-thirty, three-thirty one, three-thirty one and thirty seconds. _

"Liv" Elliot said. Liv startled and snapped back in his direction. "Staring at the clock isn't going to make the trial end any quicker," Elliot stipulated, taking a bite of his sandwich.

Liv nodded and pushed back from her desk, distancing herself from the smell of food. "I know," Liv said quickly, she glanced at the clock again though.

"_Liv_!"

"I'm sorry," Liv said quickly. "Distract me. What did Kathy say?"

Elliot sighed heavily and ran a hand over his eyes. Liv was staring at him with that all or nothing attention thing of hers. "Honestly, Liv? I don't really know. I expected a fight, but she just _lost_ it. Screaming and shouting that I was having an affair with you in front of the entire nurses' station."

"And?" Liv asked, knowing there was more.

"_And_, you and I both know she's right" Elliot said so quietly that only someone listening for his words could have heard him. "I denied it, but Liv…" he sighed again and Liv could see the confliction on his face.

Normally this homewrecker situation didn't really bother her. She'd been in this position a few times back when she thought 'bad-boys' were the opposite of her mother's doctor/lawyer hopes for her. She was ace in maneuvering the situation. She always knew the very moment she had to break it off before the girlfriend (this time Kathy) went completely ape-shit. But this was Elliot…the one she didn't want to give up for the greater good.

"What'd she do when you denied it?" Liv asked.

"She said that whatever happened next, one of the three of us was going to suffer." Liv laughed and Elliot shot her a look. "Well, I'm glad _someone_ finds this funny."

"El, take it from someone who's been the other woman more than once. That's an idle threat."

"You've been the other woman more than once?" Elliot asked amusedly.

"I've been engaged more than once, but you find it hard to believe that I've been the other woman?" Liv asked with a sly smile.

Elliot laughed. "You're really something, Olivia" Elliot said. "I can't say I blame those men…or those women for that matter. You're a hell of a lot to lose," he said, leaning back in his chair.

Liv smiled. That was the closest he'd come to blatantly expressing his feelings for her and she knew that what it did to her heart only further complicated their situation. Elliot stood up then, crumpled his sandwich paper and threw the half-eaten sandwich in the trash.

"El, throw that in Munch's trash" Liv said as a wave of nausea overpowered her.

"Oh come on Liv," Elliot said, "It's just ham and cheese, not tuna."

"El, please," Liv said, feeling her stomach rolling ominously.

"Is it making you sick?"

"It's about to," Liv said, putting a hand over her mouth and glancing at the restroom.

"Okay, okay," Elliot said quickly, grabbing the sandwich and throwing it in Munch's trash. Liv swallowed thickly, sat back in her chair and closed her eyes queasily. Elliot walked back over and placed a hand on her forehead.

"What the hell are you doing Elliot?" Liv asked, opening her eyes one at a time and plucking his hand off her forehead.

"Checking to see if you have a fever," he said, perching on the edge of her desk. "You've been nauseous since Tuesday morning when I picked you up."

"And?" Liv asked irritably.

"Liv, its _Thursday_" he stated.

Liv rolled her eyes and got up to walk off her nervous energy. "Thanks El, I forgot how to read a calendar. I needed that update" she said as she opened a bottle of water. She reached into her pocket and fished out two anti-nausea pills and took them. She leaned back against the sink then, crossed her arms over her stomach and tried to exhale out her nausea.

"Liv," Elliot said softly, leaning in next to her. Fin and Munch, sitting above them in the atrium, couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation between Elliot and his new partner. "I've watched you get sick twice" he said gently. "If you're not feeling well, go home. Probation doesn't mean you can't take your sick days."

"I know El," Liv said, "But it's probably nothing. You said the first year in SVU is the hardest to adapt to, and I haven't been eating right since this last case started. You saw the hotdog I was forced to have for breakfast yesterday" Liv said with a smile. "Combine that with Munch's coffee and I've just managed to piss my stomach off a little."

Elliot was about to respond when the already bustling precinct burst into commotion when Alex strode in. Fin and Munch clambered down the stairs quickly and a few other detectives started hustling toward her. The Smitch case was big.

"Alex, we get a conviction?" Munch called.

"That bastard in jail yet?" Fin asked, coming up behind Munch.

All the other detectives started to gather around her and ask a million questions in rapid succession.

"Wait! _Wait_!" Alex said, holding up her arms. She was absolutely beaming. "Where are Elliot and Olivia? I want them to hear this first," she said, elbowing her way through the crowd until she saw El and Liv by the coffee station. Liv looked sick and Elliot was watching her concernedly. Alex frowned, hoping her news would alleviate some of the stress they were both under. "Liv, El, guess what?" she asked, walking over to them quickly.

"Please tell me you got a conviction" Elliot said.

Liv bit her lip, waiting anxiously for Alex's next words.

"I didn't just get a conviction, I wiped the court house floor with that rat-bastard's ass!" she announced. "I got Smitch on one count rape, one count attempted rape, assault of a police officer," she said, indicating Liv's still bandaged arm. "_And_ illegal possession of a firearm."

"That's great Alex!" Elliot said, breaking into a smile.

The entire precinct started clapping and congratulating her and generally celebrating. The only thing missing was the bubbly. Cragen—drawn by all the noise—left the seclusion of his office.

"What's going on?" he asked, interrupting the celebration. "They decide to retry O.J.?"

"I wish" Much said, "Alex got Smitch on three federal charges."

"Well, technically he's dead and can't face the charges, _but_, another victim has justice" Alex said. "_And_ that defense attorney just got her conviction rate shoved up her ass!"

"Wow," Cragen said, his eyebrows shooting up as he reviewed her files. "You made quite a haul—"

"Wait, there's more!" Alex said. "Opposing council dropped all charges on Liv and declared Smitch's death accidental."

"Accidental?" Liv asked suddenly.

"Yes," Alex said, taking a breath. "Because Cass's PTSD is so severe, she was deemed temporarily insane when she shot Smitch" Alex continued. She turned and stared directly at Liv then. "If it wasn't for Liv's statement and report on what happened that night, the judge wouldn't have known how unstable Cass really is."

"Now who's the natural Liv," Elliot asked, turning toward his partner.

Cragen clapped her on the back. "You really did some good out there, Liv" he said earnestly.

Liv stared at the floor, feeling guilty. Justice stung this time. Suddenly Elliot's desk phone rang, interrupting the celebration. He picked it up and listened carefully for a few minutes.

"I have to go check on a vic down on 50th" he announced.

"The Hanson case?" Liv asked.

"Yeah, but I got it Liv. Go home, _sleep,_" he said sternly, grabbing his coat and walking out.

"Alright everyone" Cragen said. "Back to work, there are still rapists out there," he said, walking away with Fin and Munch to talk about their case.

Liv walked back over to her desk, Alex hurrying after her. "Liv" Alex called. "I know it's hard, but Sam really is the victim here."

"But what's going to happen to her?" Liv turned around suddenly, forcing Alex to stop short.

"She's going to be with Cass's mother and grandmother until Cass gets out of the vic rehab program" Alex said unevenly.

"Vic rehab program?" Liv asked.

"After her performance on the stand, the judge sent her for PTSD and depres—"

"_Detective Benson!_" Cass shouted, storming into the precinct. She looked insane, her face was flushed and sweaty, and her hair was falling from the neat bun she'd pulled it back into for court.

"Cassandra?" Alex asked, stunned.

"_You"_ Cass said angrily to Alex. "You can get the fuck out of here unless you want the D.A _firing_ your ass for leading a witness" Cass hissed quickly to Alex. Alex blanched, wondering how Cass knew about her illegal conversation with Liv this morning. Cass smirked, intuiting her thoughts. "Yeah, I was pre-law, not pre-stupid!"

"Cassandra, what the hell do you—"

"Alex!" Liv said quickly. "I've got this. Go have a round with your fiancée."

"Have a round for me," Cass sneered, "Because I won't be seeing the outside for a _fucking_ _year_ thanks to you!" Cass shouted.

Liv quickly stepped between her and Alex. "That's enough" Liv commanded, snatching Cass's arm and dragging her into an interrogation room. "Leave Alex" Liv called over her shoulder as she slammed the door closed.

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><p><strong>AN: Uh-oh, Cass isn't happy. What's about to go down in this next chapter? Well, you'll have to wait and see..but the next two chapters are companion chaps named "No Good Deed" and "Goes Unpunished." Liv's already on probation, what next? Review.**


	21. No Good Deed

**A/N: Not much to say. Just read closely and review**

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><p><em><strong>Interrogation Room 1<strong>_

_**3:48 p.m.**_

"Oh what?" Cass asked sarcastically as she yanked herself from Liv's grip. "No nice interview room this time? Where's the coffee?"

"Cass, we need to talk" Liv stated.

"What's there to say Olivia?" Cass asked exasperatedly. Tears were rolling down her face and she pulled at her hair as she came down from her high. This was the real Cass. "I made a fool of myself on the stand. I fell into all their traps and may _never_ see my child. You _betrayed_ me Olivia, you're a bigger _bitch_ than I thought" Cass shouted in Olivia's face.

"Sit down" Liv said angrily as she forced Cass into hard metal chair. She leaned across the table. "Do you remember when I told you I would _never_ force you to do something I didn't think you could do?"

"I was raped, not brainwashed—"

"They're one in the same" Olivia interjected. "I _know_ you can tell me the truth, Cass. I didn't want to hear it before, but now I want to know why you _really_ want custody of Sam?"

"I told you before, Smitch is dead. I just want to be with my daughter. And I would be if you hadn't gotten me sent to _rehab_!"

Liv completely ignored her ranting. "I asked you a question, Cass, and I think you owe it to me to answer truthfully. Why. Do. You. Want. Sam?"

"I already told you!"

"No, you told me what I wanted to hear" Liv said evenly. "Tell me the truth. It has nothing to do with Smitch, does it?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Cass asked indignantly

"I'm talking about _you_ Cass," Liv said, slamming her hands on the table in frustration. "I'm talking about your jealousy, your _resentment_!"

"Fuck you Detective!" Cass said, throwing her chair back against the wall and storming back into the bullpen.

Liv chased after her and grabbed her arm, forcing her to face her. "Face it Cass, you know why you're doing this. You can't hide your problems with Zoloft forever!" Liv said with stony determination as she released her grip on Cass.

Cass stumbled backward a bit, the full force of Liv's words hitting her hard.

"Detective!" Cragen bellowed.

Liv barely heard his voice. She and Cass were the only two people in the world just then. The phones weren't ringing, doors weren't slamming, and detectives and uniforms weren't whispering about the two crazed women arguing.

"I-" Cass began.

"You _what_ Cass?" Liv asked, feeling her anger rising and the words start to tumble from her mouth. "You what? You don't want to give Samantha a chance, do you?"

"That's not true!" Cass shouted, sounding shrill and childish.

"Olivia," Cragen said again, giving Liv a chance to end this.

"You want her to be as miserable as you are day in and day out! You want to punish her!" Liv said, taking a step toward Cass.

"Shut-up!" Cass shouted, lunging toward Liv.

Liv shoved her defensively and a uniform quickly stepped forward to restrain Cass. Liv stepped close to Cass, her face just inches from the young woman's. "_You want her to suffer because she ruined your life_! _She's the victim, not you!_ " Liv shouted, all the emotion of the case overpowering her and taking them all down.

"You're wrong!"

"You know I'm not" Liv said vehemently. Cragen had said that Cass and Samantha's relationship was not Liv and her mother's, but Cass Leonard and Serena Benson were one in the same. "Admit it so that you can get help. Give Samantha a chance!"

"The only thing I'm admitting to is you _railroading_ me Olivia, and you know why!" Cass shouted back, still struggling in the uniform's grip.

"I didn't railroad you, you have PTSD. I wasn't going to lie for you!" Liv said.

"Bullshit Olivia!" Cass shouted. "You were more than ready to lie for me a day ago! What changed? What made you get all righteous?"

"This isn't even about me," Liv said, walking away. She was done. She'd saved Sam.

"The hell it isn't," Cass said, getting a good kidney shot to the uniform and yanking herself free from his grip. She hurried after Olivia's retreating back, her heels tapping manically. "You're a _rape_ bastard Olivia!"

The entire world stopped spinning and dead silence fell on the precinct. Liv turned around slowly to see Cass waving her police jacket around.

"Give. That. _To. Me._" Liv said shakily.

"What?" Cass mocked. "Don't want everyone to know you weren't wanted? Don't want everyone to know that your father's a rapist. That you're half rapist?"

"_That's enough!_" Cragen bellowed. "Ms. Le—"

"Oh, there you are Captain Cragen" Cass half-sang. "How about we go into your office and I can tell you why one of your detectives froze at a crime scene? How she almost watched me get _raped!_" Cass said, lunging for Olivia again.

Olivia stepped back automatically, her face a mask of shock.

"_Officer Jones_," Cragen commanded, grabbing Cass's arm to restrain her. "Provide Ms. Leonard with a holding cell until her probation officer can collect her for rehab" Cragen said as Cass was handcuffed and dragged away.

As she passed a stunned Olivia she leaned toward her. "And just for the record" Cass said. "I _do_ resent Samantha. But that doesn't mean I don't deserve my chance to be her mother."

"Officer Jones, control Ms. Leonard," Cragen said, putting a hand on Liv's back. "Come on Liv," he whispered quietly, leading her into his office as her colleagues gawked at her—the half-rapist brat.

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><p><strong>AN: Wouldn't that just be your worst nightmare if you were Liv? I cringed while writing this...Review please!  
><strong>


	22. Goes Unpunished

**A/N: ...**

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><p><strong><em>Cragen's Office<em>**

**_**4:40 p.m.**  
><em>**

"Drink?" Cragen asked.

Olivia sat down shakily in a chair. She was still stunned that her secret had been outed the way it had. "Thought you didn't drink," she said, running a hand over her face to bring her back to reality.

Cragen poured her a glass of the amber liquid. "Doesn't mean you can't" he said.

Liv nodded and accepted the glass. She toyed with it, thinking of all the nights she'd watched her mother drown in this stuff. Of the very few times she'd lost control and drowned in it too. She took a sip, maybe this time she would see the attraction to it.

"Liv, what was Cassandra talking about?"

"I met her at the hospital after the takedown," Liv began, slowly meeting Cragen's steely gaze. "We were both pretty unstable, and it wasn't the best idea I've ever had... But, the defense had just filed negligence charges against me and Alex was going for a psyche defense."

"For Cass?" Cragen asked.

"For both of us. Alex claimed that Cass's PTSD caused her to shoot Smitch and that I was _helpless_ to stop it" Liv sneered.

"Liv," Cragen said gently. "You're anything but helpless."

"I know," Liv sighed, gripping the glass angrily. "I _know_ that, and maybe that's why I told Cass not to take the defense. I didn't want anyone to think I couldn't control the scene."

"Could you?" Cragen asked.

"I don't know" Liv answered honestly. "A part of me thinks that I did the best I could, and the other part knows…knows what may be the truth" Liv said.

Cragen sighed, seeing this going in every bad direction possible. "How did you betray Cass?"

"I told her I would write my statement saying it was all self-defense."

"Liv, you told me on the phone that Smitch was almost dead before Cass fired fatally" Cragen stated.

Liv squeezed her eyes shut and leaned back in her chair. "I just," she started shakily, "I didn't want Cass to be crazy because if she's crazy, what am I? What was my mother?"

"Olivia, I told you that Cass and Samantha are _not_ you and your mother."

"The hell they aren't!" Liv flared. "Samantha has her whole life ahead of her and Cass is out there to take it from her! Just like my mother!"

"And you were willing to perjure yourself to prove that single fact wrong?"

"Yes," Liv said, tears in her voice. "But, Alex came to my apartment before the trial and said that she wouldn't center the case on a perjured statement. She told me to go to the hospital and find the truth. What I found was pills. Anti-depressants, pain relievers, anti-anxiety drugs—Cass was on them all. It was a sanity cocktail."

"Olivia, you have no idea if Cass will abuse those drugs."

"What have I been telling you?" Liv asked, exasperatedly. She knew Cragen only let her tone slide because she was upset as he was with the outcome of this case. "My mother was a drunk, and Cass is following her path. It starts with the rape, then the hatred for the child, and finally the desire to keep that child from ever having anything worth a damn. It's a goddamn cycle. I-I changed my statement to say that Cass has severe PTSD, shot Smitch, and attempted to shoot me during a mental breakdown all so I could save Sam from having a childhood like mine!"

"I take it you didn't tell Cass about your change of heart?" Cragen asked, seeing where this was going.

Olivia shook her head and finished off her drink. "No." She cleared her throat against the burn of the alcohol."I changed my statement at the last minute and surprised her on the stand. I got her sent to vic rehab. It pissed her off. She must have dug up my jacket and…" Liv broke off and placed the glass down on the table with a trembling hand.

"Olivia, I really don't know what to say to you anymore" Cragen sighed. "I understand why you, and even Alex, conspired to commit perjury, but that's because I know you. I know what you went through on this case."

"What are you trying to say?"

"You violated your probation, Olivia."

"Are you taking my badge?" Liv asked, astounded and scared.

"I'm suspending you until all of this dies down" Cragen said. "Think of it as a vacation, that's what I'm going to file for IAB."

"Why are you doing this?" Olivia pleaded. She hated the look Cragen gave her, making it clear that she knew why. "I can handle this squad!"

"Are you sure?" Cragen asked rhetorically. Liv glanced away. "Olivia, I think it would be better if you took some time and figured out your own life before you try to help other people with theirs."

Liv's face was once again stunned, unable to believe this was all happening to her. The life she had been building was falling away beneath her feet, leaving her with nothing to stand on. "How long?" she asked, standing up reluctantly.

"As long as you need" Cragen said.

Olivia nodded rigidly and placed her badge and gun on Cragen's desk.

"But I don't expect to see you until well into next week."

"Fine," Olivia said, monotone.

Cragen could see that this was her breaking point. This was the very last disappointment she could handle. She flung open the door and stopped when all the eyes in the room turned to stare at her. Cragen watched her shoulders tense and her head go up as she strode out towards the elevators, wearing the shreds of her dignity like a golden robe.

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><p><strong>AN: Review...  
><strong>


	23. Twisted Every way

**A/N: Of course, this is fanfic. We can't just let Liv walk away...**

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><p><strong><em>1-6 Precinct Elliot and Olivia's desks<em>**

**_6:35 p.m.  
><em>**

"Hey" Elliot said to Alex where she sat in Liv's chair. "Usually a brunette occupies that chair. Where's Liv?" he asked, tossing his coat over the back of his chair.

"Cragen suspended her," Alex said quickly, grabbing his coat and pulling it back over his shoulders.

"_What_?" Elliot asked astounded. "Why? The charges were dropped, her probation should be over."

"We fucked up, the rest Liv can tell you," Alex said, hustling him out of the precinct. "We've got to go."

"Where?" Elliot asked.

"Elliot, has Liv ever told you why she joined SVU?" Alex asked, her mind darting back to what Liv had disclosed at the diner.

"I asked her once and she avoided answering" he said. "I got the feeling that it was more than personal."

Alex nodded, they'd reached his Sedan. "Elliot" she began solemnly. "I don't know what is going on between you and Liv—"

"Alex…" Elliot said quickly, glancing around nervously.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to mention anything that's none of my business," Alex added hastily, "But I need you to find Olivia. She's going to make bad decisions now, and we both know it would be better if she made them with you."

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Apartment<em>**

**_**5:53 p.m.**  
><em>**

Olivia walked into her apartment and dropped her keys and purse on the table. She automatically reached for her badge and gun just to find the spot glaringly empty.

Dropping her hand awkwardly, she walked around her apartment anxiously, staring at the bare walls and coffee table devoid of any personal touches. This place was supposed to be her new start, this place and her job.

Now her home was nothing but four empty rooms and her job was disappearing before her eyes.

She felt all the emotions she'd been internalizing building up in her chest. Her heart sped and she felt a tightness in her chest, like her mother's hands were wrapped around her neck and strangling the life out of her. She reached a hand up and gripped her neck as she gasped for air. Her mother wasn't supposed to be able to touch her now. She was supposed to have moved on—lit a candle and all that shit. Yet, she couldn't catch her breath. Her mother's grip was slowly killing her. The one photo of her mother she'd kept caught her eye then. Before she knew what had happened, the frame shattered and the glass flew everywhere as she lobbed it against the wall.

She wasn't going down without a fight.

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><p><strong><em>The Streets of Midtown Manhattan<em>**

**_**7:20 p.m.**  
><em>**

"Are you sure that Olivia didn't say where she was going?" Elliot asked.

"Stabler, I'm telling you Liv told me to leave" Alex said. "If I'd heard something incriminating we would have had to go back to trial." Alex bit her lip as Elliot sighed irritably and turned another corner. "Okay, okay…long shot? Maybe Kathy knows where she is?"

"Come on Alex," Elliot said, stopping at a red light and scanning the street for any sign of Olivia. "Kathy isn't stupid. I know she only started hanging out with Olivia so she could get closer to me, that's just who she is. She never really cared for her."

Alex nodded. "I always thought that was the case when we went out. Liv was the quiet one and Kathy seemed to hate that. She kept trying to get Liv to open up with those stupid pink cosmos she kept ordering for us, but Liv was really careful not have more than one."

"What?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, I've never seen Olivia drunk. She told me one night in the bathroom that alcoholism runs in the family, so she's extra careful. The only time I saw her get close was after her mother's funeral." Alex grabbed the seat as Elliot abruptly turned the corner. "What the hell are you doing Stabler, trying to kill us?"

"Get out," he said, pulling up next to a subway opening and handing her a five.

"Elliot?"

"Let me handle this."

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><p><strong>AN: Can Elliot handle it? Hmm...review.**


	24. Stripped Breathless

**A/N: I think I rewrote this chapter something like 5 times. It gave me hell. Tell me what you think, please. This THE chapter. I mean THE chapter. It sets up the entire end of the story.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Olivia's Apartment<em>**

**_**8:01 p.m.**  
><em>**

Elliot arrived on Liv's floor out of breath, having taken the five flights of steps three at a time. He rushed down her hallway and saw a cluster of neighbors around her door. He heard glass shatter against a wall.

"Olivia" he shouted, flashing his badge as he elbowed his way through the cluster of concerned and nosy neighbors. "Olivia!" he shouted again. Another glass shattered and then footsteps stalked around the apartment. "Olivia! Open the damn door" he said, splintering the wood on her door as he pounded on it.

The neighbors all crowded closer to Elliot, whispering as to what had their newest neighbor pounding her walls with glass.

"Olivia, I will kick this door down!" Elliot shouted. More glass shattered and Elliot kicked the door in.

"Elliot, get the fuck out!" Liv shouted.

"Olivia, what the hell are you doing?" Elliot asked, bewilderedly taking in the destruction of her apartment.

There was glass, pillow-stuffing and miscellaneous wreckage of her apartment everywhere. His gaze flashed up to her. Her hair was matted with debris, her clothes were wet and disheveled, make-up was running down her face and she had a cigarette clutched in one hand and an empty bottle of vodka in the other. The neighbors all gawked at her, pressing against her doorframe.

Liv glanced over Elliot's shoulder and caught sight of the nosy people on her floor. "Don't you nosy assholes have lives?" Liv shouted. She lobbed the bottle of vodka in her hand at the unsuspecting gawkers.

The nosy neighbors all scattered and Elliot rushed to shut the door. "Liv!" Elliot shouted, "Calm down!" he begged, his hands outstretched before him.

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!" Liv shouted. Her voice was high-pitched with tears and her breath came in ragged gasps. She reached behind her, grabbed a picture from a box on her couch and lobbed it against the wall behind Elliot's head. Sending an obvious message that he _was not_ invited to her destruction party.

"Olivia, stop!" Elliot commanded, ducking down as the glass shattered inches away from him.

"What did I just say to you?" Liv shouted, storming into the kitchen.

Elliot followed her, ignoring her wishes. He was shocked by what he saw. Lined up neatly in six rows of seven were empty bottles of top-shelf alcohol. "Liv what the fuck are you doing with all these empty bottles?" Elliot asked.

"I have to get rid of her. I have to get her _off _me!" Liv screamed desperately. "I can't breathe if I don't!"

"Olivia, what are you talking about?" Elliot asked as Olivia grabbed six of the empty bottles and began to shatter them against the living room wall.

"That's for '87" she said lobbing another bottle.

"Liv, you're going to hurt yourself. _Stop!_" Elliot shouted, reaching for her. But she spun around quickly, avoiding him.

She continued to gasp for air as she reached for bottles. "And '88" _Smash. _"'94, '95, '98" _Smash. Smash. Smash._ "And '99" Liv said, but instead of throwing the bottle, she broke it off on her coffee table. "Can't leave me alone in '99, can you?" she cried, holding the ragged edges of the bottle in her hand.

Elliot watched her gripping the bottle, blood pooling in her palm and dripping down between her fingers. "Olivia, stop!" Elliot shouted, lunging for her. He grabbed her and wrenched the bottle from her grasp.

"_Get off me,"_ she shouted, struggling in his grip.

He felt her down the length of his body. She was raw muscle under a trembling frame, hot and cold with sweat all at the same time. "Olivia, what's going on?"

"I have to get rid of her! I can't breathe anymore!" she shouted, breaking free. She was trained to get out of strongholds, and he knew it.

He watched her storm into her bedroom, leaving bloody handprints as she went. Wherever either of them went, there was always blood. She began to tear down boxes from her closet. Bloody mementos from her childhood went flying across the room. Trophies, photo albums, hair-clips and finally a handful of jewelry went flying in Elliot's direction. Hurricane Olivia.

"Liv, what are you talking about? Is it the case? Why can't you breathe?" Elliot asked, beginning to fear for his partner. He wasn't sure either of them could handle this.

Olivia stared him down, her face blotchy and tear-streaked. "You won't understand" she stated.

"Try me!"

"Get out or I'll arrest you for breaking and entering!" she said lowly, her voice damn-near trembling with rage.

"Fine, arrest me then," Elliot said, throwing up his hand in surrender. He glanced around and picked up her handcuffs from a pile of debris. "Go ahead and arrest me, read me my rights. _Come on!" _he mocked her."Oh wait, where's your badge, Olivia?" Elliot asked, watching Olivia's face darken with fury. "_Oh_ _that_'_s right_, it's in Cragen's drawer _isn't_ it?"

"Fuck you," she shouted, rushing him. They crashed into the wall and she slammed her fists against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her. "_Fuck you_!" she yelled again.

"Oh yeah, it's all my fault" Elliot said.

She continued to struggle against him. Her nails flew at his face and scratched and ripped at his clothes. She landed a few good blows before the anger started to seep out of her. "I hate you!" she cried, her voice catching on tears as her blows became weaker and weaker. Elliot felt her thin frame collapse against him and he caught her as she dragged him down to the ground. "I hate you," she cried, sitting amongst her destruction.

"No you don't Liv" he said softly. She reminded him of a little girl after a tantrum—worn out and still pissed off. "But, I'll let you hate me until you can tell me who you really hate" he said.

Liv ripped the phone cord toward her and began to dial. "You get out, or I _will_ call the poli—"

Elliot disconnected the call. "We are the police Liv" he said. "Now, you can tell me what happened at your own pace, or I'll interrogate you as a perp."

"On what charges?" Liv spat defiantly.

Elliot quickly picked up two empty bottles of the top-shelf alcohol. "Drunken and disorderly conduct" he stated. "You threw a bottle of alcohol at twenty civilians; you're a danger to yourself and others. I have to take you in."

Liv glared at him with such hatred he flinched. "I'm not drunk" she sneered.

"Had me fooled" Elliot stated. "Last sober person I met didn't trash her own apartment. For fuck's sake, Liv, what's going on?"

Liv's eyes darted up to meet his. "I didn't buy any of those bottles of alcohol."

"Then why do you have sixty _empty_ bottles of alcohol that don't belong to you?"

"They were my mother's" Liv responded. "The day she died, I collected the only things in her cabinets. Just so happened it was sixty-fucking bottles of booze"

"How'd she die, Liv?" Elliot asked, softening.

"Who cares?" Liv taunted him, sounding like a scared teenage vic desperately trying to take control of the situation.

"Alright, I'm _done_ playing games Olivia," he said, grabbing her under her arms and dragging her into the bathroom.

"Elliot!" she shrieked angrily.

He ignored her, slammed the bathroom door and practically shoved her against the mirror on the back of the door. "_Who_ cares Liv?" he asked. "_I_ care. Now look at yourself and tell me that the person staring back at you is the person _I_ care about!"

Liv stared at her reflection. Her hair was matted, her shirt was ripped, and her face was bleeding. She'd hit rock bottom and found it a lot harder than she'd thought it would be. "God, all this and I still can barely breathe" Liv laughed bitterly.

Elliot sat down on the floor with her then, but kept his distance. He couldn't focus on saving her if all he could think about were his feelings for her. "_Why_ can't you breathe Liv?" Elliot asked.

"I feel like she's sitting on my chest Elliot," Liv said, tears coming to her eyes. "I feel like she's strangling me, just sucking the life out me."

Elliot was shocked for a moment. He'd never ever seen his partner cry. "Your mother?" Elliot asked, feeling like he was drawing information out of traumatized vic instead of his unstoppable partner. "She's strangling you?"

"Yes" she admitted. "I just had to get rid of everything that reminded me of her until I could get a damned _breath_ in, you know?" Liv asked desperately. She glanced up then and met Elliot's eyes, the tears scaring the life out of him.

"Was she a drunk Liv?"

"Yes. Until the moment she broke her neck falling down the subway stairs after a bender"

"I'm so sorry" Elliot said automatically.

"I'm not" Liv said quickly. "_God_, I'm not. She hated me. Hated everything about me, everything I stood for. Now that she's dead, I'm no longer ruining her life."

"Olivia—"

"Ask me what you really want to know, El" Liv said quickly. "Just get it over with."

"Alright" Elliot began. He swallowed, fearing the worst. "Why'd you join SVU, Liv?"

Liv was quiet for a moment, staring at the blood on her hands. Her blood. Well, half her mother's blood and half her mother's rapist's blood. "Growing up, most people celebrate their birthday" Liv began. "I celebrated July 14th, nine months before my birthday and the day some stranger raped my mother."

Elliot was stunned. He'd expected an abusive boyfriend or a funny uncle at the worst. Not this. Anything but this. He shakily picked up one of the discarded pictures just outside the door. He saw a woman with Liv's dark brown hair and smoky eyes, obviously her mother.

"El, say something, please" Liv begged.

Elliot swallowed and turned her face ever so slightly to the side, noting how she had his ears, his nose. He suddenly saw Liv differently. She wasn't just a young woman who didn't know who she was; she was a woman who had a past darker and ridden with more hate than he'd ever known.

"Elliot, _please_" Liv whispered desperately. "_Don't do this_."

"Liv I—"

"No!" Liv shouted suddenly. She pushed herself flush against the bathtub edge, as far away from him as she could get.

"Liv-"

"You have that look," she said, her voice trembling uncharacteristically.

"Liv, that's not it!" he said quickly, reaching for her.

"No!" Liv shouted again, the tears falling down her cheek as she stood "You have that look. I shouldn't have told you, I shouldn't have told you" she shouted. "Fuck!" she moaned, covering her face with her hands and gasping again.

"Olivia, it's not—"

"Get out!" Liv shouted suddenly. She reached down for the broken pieces of glass and began to lob them at Elliot, backing him out of the room.

"Olivia please, let me explain!"

"Fuck it, Elliot" Liv shouted incredulously, reaching for anything to throw at him. Handcuffs flew towards him, followed by a T.V remote, and a few books. "I know what you think of me now!"

"Olivia, I swear I don't think of you any differently!" he shouted.

Liv returned to her bedroom and his phone flew towards him. "Get the fuck out!" Liv said. "I don't want you or any of the drama you come with. Just, get away from the rapist's brat!" she yelled. More picture frames and childhood trophies flew toward him until he was backed up against the door.

"Olivia, for the love of god!" he shouted, dodging the debris until he made his way to her. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her a little. She dropped the piece of glass in her hand and they both stood still, their chests meeting with each ragged breath they took.

"Elliot—"

"I'm in love you." He instantly saw the shock followed by pure terror register in her eyes.

She shoved herself from his grasp and walked to the eye of her hurricane. "Well, _fuck_, Elliot," she said, digging the heels of her hands into her eyes. "That's just fucking great." She suddenly reached down and hurled a picture frame against the wall better than any pro-fastball pitcher could. "_Fuck!"_

"Olivia—"

"Get out of my life, Elliot" she said quietly. "Just get out," she said, walking into her bedroom and slamming the door.

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><p><strong>AN: So was this what you've all been waiting for since chapter 1? Here you go. Review. And don't worry, there's resolution. But it won't be easy.**


	25. At Reality's Door

**A/N: Thanks for all the positive feedback. I'm always surprised how people take to a chapter. Thanks to my awesome reviewers, and to Laura3, who read and reviewed twice!**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Friday, December 20th 1998<em>**

**_The Hallway of Olivia's Apartment Building_**

**_8:00 a.m._**

"Elliot," Alex said, trying to shake him awake. "Stabler, get your ass up" she commanded.

"Olivia," he asked, opening his eyes slowly.

"Not quite, try again," Alex said, handing him a cup of coffee.

He looked up at the blonde in her power suit and neat pony tail. So not Olivia.

"Christ Stabler, you're bleeding," Alex said, pressing a tissue to his temple.

"Alex, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Checking on Olivia, I see you couldn't handle it," she said, blotting at the blood."So She finally blew-up?"

He quickly pushed her away and held the tissue to his forehead as he stood up. "You have no idea" Elliot said, shifting uncomfortably from foot-to-foot.

"Was it about her mother?" Alex questioned quietly.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Elliot said.

Alex crossed her arms over her chest and stared at her shoes uncomfortably. "She, uh, told me about her father at the diner on Wednesday" Alex said. "Then when Cragen told me about Cass, I figured it was a long time coming."

"Wait, what does Cass have to do with last night?"

"Cass stormed the precinct and told the whole room that Olivia's father was her mother's rapist."

"_Damn,_" Elliot said, taken aback. He glanced at Olivia's door, thinking her blow-up had been rather minor after something that traumatic. "_Damn_" he repeated. "I'm such an idiot" he mumbled.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"I told her I was in love with her" Elliot said.

Alex had honestly seen that confession coming a long time ago. Elliot just had piss poor timing. "Why'd you go and do something stupid like that?" Alex asked him lightly, half-joking; half-serious.

"She was so upset, and she'd just told me about her mother. I thought she needed to hear it. Honestly, it just came out."

"Did you mean it?"

"Of course."

"Well, I'll tell that to your girlfriend the next time she calls me at five in the morning."

"What?" Elliot asked bewilderedly. He'd almost forgotten about Kathy entirely.

"She called me this morning" she said. "Asked where you were, said Olivia wasn't answering her phone either. I covered for you, said you probably fell asleep at your desk."

"Shit" Elliot mumbled. "I'll handle that…never" he sighed, running a hand over his face. He didn't know if he felt guilty for forgetting about his girlfriend, or guilty for not feeling guilty at all. His phone started to ring suddenly and Cragen's ringtone filled his ears like an angry siren. "I swear this damn phone has _amazingly_ bad timing."

"You better go to work," Alex said, assessing the best way to enter Olivia's apartment through the damaged door. "It's about all you're going to have left when this sorts itself out."

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Living Room<em>**

**_8:10 a.m._**

"Wake-up Holly Golightly," Alex said, shaking Liv. She had cleared a preliminary amount of damage from around her quasi-friend. "Come on Liv," Alex said, giving her a good shake.

Olivia rolled over, one arm thrown on top of her face. "Alex?"

"You sure know how to trash an apartment Liv," Alex said, bringing a warm cloth to the wounds on Liv's face.

"What are you doing here?" Liv asked, pushing her away and grimacing in pain. "Shouldn't you be in court?"

"Let's just say that after McCoy heard about our conversation he was nice enough to let me join you on 'vacation'" Alex said sarcastically.

Liv felt the guilt crash over her as she realized what she'd done to her sometimes friend. "Alex, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to get caught up in all my shit" Liv said as she sat up, feeling her body groan in protest.

"I was caught the moment I stormed into your apartment, Liv" Alex said with a shrug.

Liv didn't know what to say to that, so she began to pick herself up off the floor and carefully make her way through the wreckage of her life into her bathroom. She heard Alex follow her. "Alex thanks for checking on me, but I'm fine" Liv said.

"Bullshit" Alex scoffed. "You want to talk about it Liv?"

"Nope" Liv said as she opened and closed her cabinets, looking for a clean towel. Anything in her life that wasn't damaged would do.

"Then do you want to tell me why Elliot was sleeping in your hallway?"

"Because he's a damn fool who doesn't know how to leave well enough alone" Liv retorted. She began to strip her bloody, sweaty, tear-streaked clothes off.

Alex leaned on the door frame, watching Liv wince as she moved. _Yeah Liv, that's what you feel like when you refuse to let people in._ "Maybe he doesn't know how to leave well enough alone" Alex said. "But I don't think he's a fool, unless being in love with you makes him a fool?"

Liv froze then, her face betraying her surprise that Elliot had told her.

"What did you say to each other last night?" Alex asked.

"Look Alex, I feel like shit," Liv said, "I just want to shower and forget about last night, can we do that?"

Alex noticed that her Liv's face was pale and waxy looking, like she hadn't slept or eaten in a long time. She was alternately tending her self-inflicted wounds or massaging what had to be the world's worst knot in her stomach.

Alex sighed, not knowing if either of them could handle this. She was scared to see Olivia so hurt, especially when she knew that there wasn't a lot she could do for her. "You can shower," Alex said finally, walking back into the living room. "But I can't guarantee anything else" she called over her shoulder.

* * *

><p><strong><em>9:32 a.m.<em>**

**_Olivia's Bathroom_**

Liv shut the water off in the shower. She'd thought that showering would help, just like she'd thought trashing her apartment would help. But there was nothing out there for her. She was hitting walls all over the place as she tried desperately to fix something that was never okay to begin with.

She pulled on an old tee-shirt and sweats before sitting down on her bed. She literally felt like her chest had cracked open and all her emotions were clawing their way out. She hated her mother for doing this to her, for taking her job, her life and finally her self-control. She had nothing to hold onto and it made breathing harder than she could ever imagine. She closed her eyes then and tried to take a deep breath. The room seemed to spin a bit as she saw his face again.

_Elliot right after she'd told him about her parentage. The shock, the confusion, the pity_.

She gasped and blinked, feeling her stomach flip, and her hands begin to tingle as she broke out in a cold sweat. The 'breaking point' Elliot flashed into her mind then.

_Elliot standing over her, her arms in his grasp, the glass in her hand, the close proximity as he said he loved her_.

She tasted bile in the back of her throat and quickly fell to her knees before the toilet, the rough tile digging into her skin. She had nothing in her stomach as she threw up and her stomach muscles contracted painfully. She coughed, trying to abate the nausea as she dry-heaved. She spat into the toilet, startled to see blood.

"Liv?" Alex called, rushing worriedly into the bathroom. "Are you okay?"

Liv flushed quickly as Alex knelt down next to her and placed a cool wash cloth against her forehead. "I don't know what's going on" Liv said, fighting off the horrid dry-heaves. "I thought it was just stress from the case, or the flu. But, I can't shake this stomach thing" Liv moaned, leaning back against the tub. She placed a hand over her stomach, in obvious physical pain.

"When did this start?" Alex asked, feeling for her pulse. It was racing and she was trembling.

"Uhm, I got sick for the first time Monday morning." Liv struggled to remember.

"Liv, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest," Alex began hesitantly, Liv just stared back at her. "Olivia, are you late?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Uh-oh...hmmm. Did anyone catch the _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ reference? Review! E/O needs you all right now.  
><strong>


	26. Confronting Innocence

**A/N: An interesting chapter here...It's the flip side of all the E/O drama. It shows that their actions have consequences**

* * *

><p><em><strong>1-6 Precinct<strong>_

_**9:17 a.m.**_

Kathy walked into the precinct, pressing the up button for the elevator. She'd brought Elliot another shirt, a peace offering of sorts. She ran her hand through her purse, finding the reason she couldn't fight with him anymore. She could forget about Olivia Benson when Elliot realized what this meant. What it meant for them. She walked into the precinct and made her way to Elliot's desk.

"How can I help you?" a man asked.

Kathy smiled. This was the new SVU detective. "Hi, I'm Kathy," she said, shaking his hand. "You're Fin right? Odafin Tutuola?"

Fin stared bemusedly at the pretty blonde clutching his palm. She was the first person to walk into this squad room with complete innocence and simplicity. "Uhm, yes" Fin answered. "Do we know each other?"

"I'm Kathy, Elliot's girlfriend."

"Oh" Fin said stupidly. _She can say good-bye to the simplicity, _he thought fleetingly._  
><em>

Kathy realized Fin's confusion, and reached over to Elliot's desk to find the picture of her that she knew he kept there. "You look like you need proof," she said, pulling the photo out from under a stack of files.

Fin regarded her warily, wondering if this perky blonde woman knew about the close relationship between Elliot and Olivia.

"Oh," Kathy said suddenly. Nothing could have masked the hurt in her voice.

Fin glanced over to see that Kathy had found the picture of herself, but the frame was shattered and the glass missing. _There goes the innocence._

"Oh uhm" Fin stuttered. He glanced around nervously, Munch and Elliot were interrogating a suspect in a rape-homicide right now and weren't around to deflect the tears he saw gathering in Elliot's 'girlfriend's' eyes. "A suspect got loose, smashed everyone's stuff" Fin lied. He'd watched Elliot smash the photo when he came in this morning.

Kathy looked over at Olivia's desk. It was neat and orderly, only three pictures sat on top of it next to an empty 'In' pile and a full 'Out' pile of papers. "Then why aren't his partner's pictures ruined?" Kathy asked.

Fin thought of six different lies he could use, but didn't want to say anything to aggravate whatever had Elliot smashing pictures of his girlfriend. He simply shrugged. "I'd tell you to ask Olivia, but she's on vacation" he said.

Kathy ignored him and reached down for a picture settled between Elliot's and Olivia's desks, as if they both liked to look at it whenever they were bored. "When was this taken?" she asked.

Fin glanced over and couldn't conceal the smile creeping onto his face. The damn picture had that effect on him. "The Christmas party a week or so before this case" he said.

Kathy glanced back down at the picture. Elliot had a hand around Olivia's waist and they were smiling at each other while the rest of the squad was gathered around them, smiling at the camera. It was like those pictures of perfect couples that come in new picture frames.

"Wh-why did you have it so early?" Kathy asked. She'd expected to be invited to the Christmas party. That was what practically engaged couples did.

"I don't really know" Fin said. "I heard Munch—my partner—say the holidays are the 'season of naughty uncles and Santas,'" Fin supplied, watching Kathy raise her eyebrows in confusion. "That's good fodder for SVU, keeps us busy" he explained.

"Oh," Kathy said, glancing back down at the picture. Olivia was even more beautiful here than in person. She hated how Olivia managed to look feminine yet tough at the same time. She glanced over to Elliot then, hating how he was wrapping his arm protectively around Olivia. They were ignoring the camera, but they were the only thing the camera could see.

Suddenly the door to an interrogation room burst open and Munch walked quickly toward Cragen's office. Within seconds Cragen was dragging an incensed Elliot out of the interrogation room and shoving him towards the lockers.

"Fin!" Munch called, struggling with a suspect with a bloody nose.

"Excuse me" Fin said to a shocked Kathy. He rushed over, helped cuff the suspect and shove him in temporary lock-up.

Kathy followed the sound of Elliot's raised voice. She hesitated outside the locker bay, eavesdropping.

"_What the hell were you thinking Elliot?" Cragen demanded. _

"_I don't know" Elliot half-shouted. He sighed irritably, turned and punched the locker. _

"_Hey! __**Hey**__!" Cragen shouted. "Do you want to join Benson on suspension?" Cragen asked, shoving him away from the lockers. _

"_Captain, it's not—"_

'"_Save the shit, Elliot" Cragen said. "What's going on between you and Olivia? As soon as she starts to lose it, so do you? Do you have something you want to tell me, or should I call IAB?" Cragen asked._

_Elliot sighed and swallowed nervously._ "_We're working it out." _

"_Working __**what**__ out Elliot?" Cragen asked, quieter this time. He'd seen it coming, he'd seen it __**all**__ coming. _

"_Everything" Elliot said. He sighed again then. "I should probably go salvage this case" he tried to joke._

_ Cragen watched him walk toward the door._ "_You're too close, Elliot" Cragen called after him. _

"_You have no idea." _

Elliot stormed away from the lockers and Kathy unglued herself from the wall to chase after him.

"Elliot! _Elliot_!" she called.

He turned around slowly. "Kathy, not now," he said, continuing to walk away.

She grabbed his arm then. "Then when Elliot?" she asked him desperately. She snatched the Christmas party picture off the desk and shoved it in his face. "When Elliot? When your other girlfriend comes back?"

"Kathy, don't do this here," Elliot said, shaking her off.

"Elliot—"

"For Christ's sake," Elliot said, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her over to the elevators. "Why are you here? We can fight at home. We don't need to do it at my fucking job!"

"What did Cragen mean when he said you and Olivia are 'too close'" Kathy asked frantically.

Elliot pressed the button for the elevator. "You're going home Kathy," Elliot said, dragging her into the elevator.

"Dammit Elliot," she swore, shaking him off. "Just tell me what's going on between you and Olivia?" she begged.

Elliot ignored her, watching the floors tick by as they descended.

"Elliot, please!" Kathy shouted. "I have to know. Are you sleeping together?"

"And what if I said yes?" Elliot asked.

Kathy's blue eyes searched his, desperate and hurt. "Jesus Christ, Elliot" she said as the elevator doors opened. "You love her, don't you?" she asked, stepping backward and out of the elevator. The picture frame was still clutched in her hands, as were her purse and his clean shirt.

"Yeah, Kathy, I do," Elliot said, the elevator doors closing.

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><p><strong>AN:...review**


	27. The Catch

**A/N: One of my favorite chapters of what I'm starting to consider "An E/O not in Paris part deux." I need less Sex and the City in my life apparently. Enjoy, it's a fav chap of mine!**

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Bathroom<em>**

**_10:01 a.m._**

"What am I going to do if it's positive?" Liv asked, clutching the pregnancy test in her shaking hands. She couldn't begin to describe what she was feeling right then. All her emotions were as fucked up as her situation.

Alex took a shaky drag from one of Liv's cigarettes. "Hell if I know Liv," she said, exhaling. "You've got yourself a cluster here."

"You know, this isn't the first time I've done this," Liv said, attempting humor. "I had a scare in college."

Alex shot her a look. "Did you feel as badly as you do now?" she asked.

Liv shrugged. "I was sick, but it was just from the stress of finals and…my mother. It wasn't this bad either. I got my period the day after I took the test."

Suddenly there was a harsh banging on the door.

"I've got it" Alex said. "It's probably Elliot."

"Olivia!" the person on the other side of the door called.

"Kathy?" Liv questioned as Alex opened the door.

"_Bitch!_" Kathy shouted. She was irrationally angry and knew whatever she did next would closely resemble a deleted scene from _Fatal Attraction. _She flung the photo she'd carried with her all the way from the precinct at Olivia. It shattered against the wall, joining the other debris of Olivia's life.

"Kathy, what the hell is your problem?" Alex asked, trying to block her path.

Kathy pushed past her while Liv quickly hid the pregnancy test behind her back.

"Elliot's not here Kathy" Liv said, trying to diffuse a bad situation. This was the breaking point of all breaking points. Nothing was splintering, it was just shattering away.

"I'm not looking for him. This is between _you_ and _me_" Kathy stated. "How long?" she asked; her eyes black with rage and something towards fear.

Olivia nervously fingered the pregnancy test behind her back, suddenly mute.

"Olivia, I swear to God-"

"Two, almost three months" Olivia replied. She could see Alex's shock as Kathy paled and ran her hands through her hair.

"My God," Kathy gasped, walking in a tight circle around herself. "Why?" she asked, her finger in Olivia face and tears in her voice. "Why you and not me?"

"The truth?" Liv asked, staring at the two tears weaving their way down Kathy's cheeks. "I was upset and he understood. He didn't try to fix anything or help me get over it, he just understood. I needed that."

"He loves you" Kathy said hoarsely. "Do you love him?"

"I can't answer that" Liv said honestly.

Kathy just stared at her, her blue eyes bloodshot and wide with shock. Alex shifted just slightly in the background, trying to discreetly cover something blue and pink. Kathy immediately recognized an EPT box.

"What's behind your back?" Kathy asked suddenly, her eyes narrowing.

"Kathy, you should leave while you're still welcome," Liv said, starting to step backward.

Kathy wrenched Liv's arm from behind her back and held the pregnancy test up to her face. "What does it say Olivia?" Kathy asked.

Liv hesitated, not saying a word.

"_What the fuck does it say Olivia!_" Kathy yelled, her grip going white-knuckled around Liv's wrist.

Liv met Kathy's stare, letting the tears leak out the corners of her eyes. "Negative" she said slowly. She felt equal parts relief and grief welling up inside of her.

Kathy shoved her backward and stalked over to her purse. She dug the pregnancy test she'd hoped to share with Elliot out of her purse and threw it at Olivia. "Positive," she yelled, storming out of the apartment.


	28. Loving Perfection

**A/N: Okay, so the last chapter. She's not pregnant...**

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><p><em><strong>Olivia's Living Room<strong>_

_**10:46 a.m.**_

Olivia stared at Kathy's pregnancy test for a long time. The little pink X kept staring at her as she thought of the blue line her own palm was covering.

"Liv" Alex said softly.

Olivia swayed on her feet a bit. "I'm not pregnant," Liv said, still staring at the test. Anything she'd ever hoped for with Elliot was destroyed by that one little pink X. "God, I'm not pregnant. Kathy is," she said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"I know, Liv," Alex said, taking her by the shoulders and easing her onto the couch. They both stared at Kathy's pregnancy test for a long time.

"What would I have done if mine was positive?" Liv asked finally, tears falling down her checks silently.

"You would have married him, Liv" Alex said. "He loves you."

"But who's having his child?" Liv responded.

Alex turned to look at her. "Doesn't mean he loves her" Alex said.

Liv glanced down. "He doesn't really love me either" she said. "That's just who he is. He loves whoever needs him the most; whoever he thinks understands him the best. For a longtime that person was Kathy, and for the past two months it's been me."

"Do you really believe that Liv?" Alex asked. "Do you love him?"

Liv shook her head, unable to answer. "Honestly, all I know is that he's good for me, there's no denying that. We have this _something_. I don't feel so…so out control when he's there."

"Hell Liv, sounds like love to me."

Liv laughed mirthlessly then and snapped her negative pregnancy test in two. "Like I would even know what love sounds like Alex" Liv began bitterly. "Everything around me is fucked up. My mother made sure of that."

Alex shifted then, wondering what caused a daughter not to love the woman responsible for her existence. "Did you and your mother…fight?" she asked uncertainly.

"You could call it that" Liv shrugged. "I never was one to just let things go, so I guess I picked some of our fights, while the others were chosen by circumstance. Puberty and alcoholism don't exactly mix," Liv said, glancing over at Alex. "The fact that I was some rapist's bastard didn't improve my standings either."

"You told Elliot about your father?"

"I had to," Liv sighed, crossing her arms over her stomach and staring at the floor. "And, it was just as I feared. He got this _look_ in his eyes, like gives to our vics."

"Liv, are you sure?" Alex asked. "He could have been surprised, I was surprised"

"You didn't turn my head from side-to-side picking out all the features that belong to that bastard!" Liv cried. She covered her face with her hands then and exhaled sharply, just to make sure she could still breathe. "I should hate the man who raped my mother" Liv whispered. "But, I don't hate him nearly as much as I hate my mother. She was all I had."

"You know, your mother did give you one thing" Alex said softly.

"I dare you" Liv spat contemptuously. "If you can defend her you should work for opposing council."

"She gave you SVU, Liv. She gave you your entire life as you know it."

Olivia just stared at Alex. "As I _knew_ it" Liv corrected her. "She took it from me."

"Or did you just hand it over to her?"

"Yeah well, like I told Cragen, all I'll ever have is what my mother gives me. Whether it's good or bad or she takes it back doesn't matter."

"Olivia, you can't keep doing this. It's not healthy" Alex whispered earnestly. "You have to let her go. You were getting so close. She's dead, you have SVU, you have Elliot—"

"I don't have Elliot, I don't even want Elliot."

"Bullshit."

"Alex, he has Kathy and the baby. They deserve each other. No problems and too much concern, they're perfect"

"When has perfect existed in any world, Olivia? Let alone yours?"

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><p><strong>AN: To love perfection? Hard to do...Review.  
><strong>


	29. All I Ask

**A/N: This is another fav ahead. Poor E/O. Please people, have faith in me. It gets a little dark for E/O in here, but they come out of it. You saw the first season, clearly they work out whatever I'm putting them through. Take me on some blind faith here...**

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><p><strong><em>Olivia's Apartment Building<em>**

**_5:23 p.m._**

Elliot circled Olivia's block several times that evening. He hadn't been able to work after his confrontation with Kathy. He'd had too much in his head. Too many thoughts trying to run away with his sanity. So, he found himself outside Liv's apartment just as the sun began to set on the day before the Winter Solstice. It figured he'd be on the brink of losing everything on the longest day of the year.

He buzzed her apartment several times to no avail. He'd sat on the cold front stoop freezing his ass off waiting to slip in behind someone ordering pizza, before the super recognized him and let him in so he could give him shit about Liv's broken door. Elliot took it, because this ass-reaming couldn't be any worse than what he rightfully deserved. He'd been so selfish with Liv before, and now he actually wondered if 'too late' existed in a city as timeless as Manhattan.

Elliot hesitated outside Liv's door, fingering the broken hinges as he tried to think of something to say to her. He wasn't eloquent, at least not when it mattered. Liv's next door neighbor walked by then, but she stopped when she saw Elliot outside Olivia's door.

"Is Olivia okay?" the old woman asked.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry about the noise—"

"Elliot?" she asked, her gray eyebrows knitting together.

"Uh, have we met?"

"No, we haven't met. I'm Mrs. Kennedy" she said.

Elliot was still confused when Mrs. Kennedy smiled at him familiarly, grasping his calloused hand strongly in the folds of her hands.

"Our bedrooms share a wall, Dear. Olivia says your name in her sleep sometimes" she explained.

"Oh," Elliot said, embarrassed when he thought of what else she could have heard.

Mrs. Kennedy smiled once again. "Lover's spat?" she asked.

_What? Does nobody on this floor have anything non-Olivia related to do?_ Elliot cleared his throat, not voicing his true opinions.

"We work together, we're detectives. This last case got a little out of hand is all."

"So a lover's spat?" Mrs. Kennedy reiterated, not giving Elliot a chance to lie.

"Something like that, yeah" he supplied reluctantly.

"Let me give you a piece of advice," Mrs. Kennedy said, her eyes boring into his in a way that reminded him eerily of a female Cragen. "Just tell her the truth. Don't beat around the bush, give her your emotions and hope it doesn't bite you in the ass."

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><p><em><strong>5: 38<strong>_

"Liv?" Elliot called into the apartment as he eased the door open. He walked into her darkened living room, seeing nothing but the picture of them at the Christmas party discarded carelessly on the floor. Alex could have worked for F.E.M.A with how quickly she had cleared away Hurricane Olivia. He picked up the picture then. They'd been really happy that night. Honestly happy.

"Elliot?" Liv asked, coming out of her bedroom. Her eyes were bloodshot and unfocused and her hand was bandaged. She was wearing the scars of her self-abuse like a pro.

"Liv, I—"

"Elliot, you need to leave," she said, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

"No Liv, you're going to listen to me" Elliot said, stalking toward her.

She shrunk back from him, gasping just slightly as she raised one hand in front of her. Begging. She didn't want him near her.

"No, Elliot. You're going to leave. You're going to go home and see Kathy and my transfer request will be on Cragen's desk Monday morning. Enjoy your life" Liv deadpanned as she slammed her bedroom door in his face.

He was inches away from breaking it down when he heard three distinct thumps on the wall. Mrs. Kennedy. Nosy woman was trying to help him. He leaned against Liv's door then, feeling the longest day of the season grow longer by the nanosecond.

"Olivia, don't do this" Elliot pleaded.

"Do what Elliot? It was just sex" Olivia called through the door. She knew better. She known so much better before all this.

Elliot slammed his fist against the door, his temper flaring. "It was never just sex Olivia" he called. "Not once. The least you can do is not lie to me!"

"Why? Because you've never lied to me?" Liv stated accusatorially.

"_Exactly_, Liv" Elliot exclaimed. "I've never lied to you. I've been there when you needed me and I've never _once_ judged you based on one moment!"

"You want a damn parade?" Liv asked, knowing that he deserved so much more for keeping her sane.

"God-_damn_ it, Olivia" Elliot shouted. "I've risked everything—SVU, Kathy, my _faith_—just to be you. But it's not worth it if you won't get over you to become an us."

"There's no such thing as 'us,' El. This isn't some story book ending. You're mistakes aren't my problems anymore" Liv said.

"Mistakes?" Elliot laughed bitterly. "Is that how you see us?"

"Yes," Liv hissed, throwing the door open. She was crying. Not like last night, not angrily and irrationally, but like someone had just killed her best friend and told her to go cry about it by herself. "That is exactly what we are. A mistake. God's little practical joke," she said, overcome by tears.

"So you just want to be alone?" Elliot asked. "You don't want to try? You don't even want to be partners?"

"I can't" Liv stated. Elliot leaned into her, and Olivia's breath hitched in that funny little way again before she forced herself to resist him. "Don't call Elliot," Liv said, tears streaming over her bruised face. "Don't call or come looking for me. Don't email me in five years wondering how I'm doing. Burn all the pictures of us together," Liv said, pulling the picture of the two of them from his grip and dropping it to the floor. "Go back to Kathy. Make a home with her."

"Olivia, this doesn't have to happen," Elliot said, tears gathering in his own eyes. He felt like a little kid begging his parents for forgiveness, confused that someone he needed so much could hate him so unequivocally.

"I won't call either Elliot, ever" Liv whispered. Elliot grabbed her hand desperately, but her hand slipped from his grasp. She wasn't going to hold on to him. "I won't come looking for you, and I sure as hell won't email you. I won't go to the same supermarket as you, I won't come to your retirement party, I won't keep anything of yours, I'll never work with you again, I'll burn all pictures of us together, and I swear I will never speak of you."

"Olivia, why are you doing this?" Elliot breathed. "I love you."

"That's why I'm doing this Elliot. Now _please_, get out of my life. That's all I ask."

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><p><strong>AN: Believe it or not, in the first draft of this story where Olivia actually was pregnant (before I decided I didn't want something that A/U) this entire conversation was had in the hospital after Olivia decides to have an abortion. Review.  
><strong>


	30. Forced Future

**A/N: When you read this chapter, I want you to think about all the times you've been lonely. Whether you live in a big city, or a small town off a dirt road. Then think about one thing (your faith, your beliefs, your morals or values) that you always turn to in times of trouble, and then maybe you'll understand Elliot's decision.**

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><p><strong><em>Elliot's Apartment<em>**

**_Time doesn't matter anymore_**

"_You have reached Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. I'm unable to take your call right now. Please leave your name and number, thanks." _

Elliot slammed his phone shut and continued up the stairs to his apartment. He'd tried Alex, he'd tried Munch, and he'd even tried Fin. He didn't do lonely that well, and really didn't want to spend the night in his own apartment. Not after losing Olivia. But apparently he had no choice. Olivia had really been his best—maybe only—friend. He keyed open his door then and flicked on the lights.

"Hello Elliot" Kathy said calmly. She was sitting cross-legged on his ratty old couch.

"Jesus Kath," Elliot said, waiting for his heart quit trying to beat its way out of his chest. "That's a damn good way to get your ass shot!"

"Are you home for the evening?" Kathy asked, monotone. His exclamations meant nothing to her.

"You shouldn't be here" Elliot said exasperatedly.

"Why not? I'm your girlfriend" she stated. "Or are you going to continue to chase after some whore who isn't in love with you?"

"Don't go there Kathy" he warned. "I'm not fucking going here with you right now!"

His rage was threatening to shake him. He took several deep breaths, ran through the Ten Commandments in his mind and remembered who he was talking to. She had every right to be mad, he didn't.

"Where would you like to go then, Elliot?" Kathy asked, slowly getting up from the couch. She walked over and stood before him, a good head shorter than him. "Where would you like to go Elliot?" she begged, throwing her arms out and letting them fall to her sides despondently.

"Kathy," Elliot began, hating how pitiful she looked. "Don't cry."

"I don't care where you want to go, Elliot, just take me with you," Kathy said, falling against his chest. Maybe it was his hurt over Olivia, or his desperation to figure out where he was going now, but he didn't pull away. Kathy was so damn familiar. "Don't leave me behind" Kathy pleaded.

"Kathy, this isn't a good idea right now" Elliot whispered. "_I'm_ not a good idea right now."

"When will you be?" Kathy asked, wiping her eyes and picking something up from the countertop. "Will you be ready by June 23rd?" she asked, holding up the pregnancy test. Elliot blinked when he saw the little pink X.

A long, heavy silence filled the air. Deafening in its enormity.

If he ever believed God could play cruel jokes, it was now.

"Are you sure?" Elliot asked finally. He felt tears gather in his eyes. This day was just too much. "Are you absolutely sure?"

"I'm a nurse Elliot, I would know if I'm pregnant" she said obviously.

Elliot fell into the nearest chair, his face a mask.

Kathy sat down slowly next to him and Elliot just stared at her, as if he couldn't figure out how this had happened. "What are we going to do Elliot?" she asked desperately.

Elliot blinked, watching her tears mirror his own. "We've broken every other Catholic vow, Kath-"

He reached out for the pregnancy test then. He needed to hold it, just to make sure this was all real because in his mind he was still losing Olivia. He hadn't caught up to this next fuck up. Kathy reached for his hand and he gripped it back. She was going to be the one to hold onto him.

"-when do you want to get married?"

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><p><strong>AN: Elliot's a good guy, really. And I don't believe that Kathy trapped him with a baby. Good women don't do that, hell, most bad women don't do that. Review.  
><strong>


	31. Carside Manner

**A/N: Okay, things are going to skip ahead a little bit from now on. Between Elliot's and Olivia's lives as they try to move on. Hang in there with me**

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><p><strong><em>Monday December 23rd, 1998<em>**

**_The Streets of New York_**

It would sleet on Monday morning. The Monday after the weekend from hell, it would sleet. Elliot made his way to the precinct that morning, maneuvering annoying Christmas shoppers and taxi cabs filled with tourists as the ice built up on his windshield. Everything wasn't quite real. It was just there. He knew what he was supposed to be doing, but it didn't register that he was doing it until he was done. He'd slept with Kathy, but not realized it until he threw the rather futile condom wrapper in the trash. He'd made her breakfast after she'd awoken with her first round of morning sickness, but not realized it until she thanked him with a kiss. He'd gotten in the car and begun driving to work, but not realized he was going the wrong way until he found himself outside Olivia's. He stared at her sidewalk, imagining thousands of scenarios where they found each other again, where everything was fine and life was okay.

"Stabler!" he heard a woman call as she tapped on his window. Jolted from his daze, he leaned over and opened his car door for Alex. She quickly got in, brushing the sleet from her blonde hair. "Stabler, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I don't know, force of habit, I guess" he said, cranking the heat as Alex rubbed her hands together. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Checking on her" Alex said. "She was really sick last week."

Elliot's heart jerked as he reminded himself that he would never know these things about her again. It was all she'd asked of him. "Is she feeling any better?"

"What do you think?" Alex asked, struggling to shove a piece of paper in her bag. Elliot immediately recognized transfer requests. He reached out and grabbed her wrist. "_Stabler!_" Alex cried, wrenching her wrist out of his grasp. "Have you lost your damn mind?"

"Maybe" Elliot breathed; his eyes unfocused. This was not happening. No, she was going to run out of that apartment, Elliot would make some crack about her being late and she would say his tie didn't match, _again. _ Elliot blinked, his fantasies disappearing. "Where is she going?"

"She told me not to tell you" Alex answered. They sounded so childish, but what choice did they have now?

"Why?" Elliot demanded.

"Doesn't trust you to let her go, I guess" Alex shrugged.

Elliot stared at her blue eyes, wondering if his could look so icy.

"She's really done with you, Elliot" Alex said, hearing her lie as she gathered her things. She opened the door and turned one last time to face Elliot. "_Move. On_."

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><p><strong>AN: Don't you just kind of hate when other people get involved in your problems? But I think Alex has Liv's best interests at heart. Somebody should at least...**


	32. Past Perceptions

**A/N: This chapter was an afterthought. It was originally on the cutting room floor, and to be done entirely differently for another story...but here it is.  
><strong>

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><p><strong><em>Monday December 23rd, 1998<em>**

**_Olivia's Apartment_**

Olivia dug through her closet Monday morning for her running shoes. Her transfer request hadn't gone through yet, and even if it had, she was still suspended. But, she couldn't stand sitting around her apartment. She was going running, sleet or not.

If she didn't all she would do was see Elliot in every corner, in every shadow and anywhere there was hope.

Ignoring the miserable feeling in her stomach, she dove into her closet. Her hand hit something hard then, something that was definitely not a shoe. She pulled the small brown book out slowly. She thought she'd destroyed everything from her childhood during her meltdown, but she must have missed this. She opened it slowly, instantly recognizing the handwriting.

_1969_

_The rape crisis counselor told me to write. She said it would help me to 'cleanse my conscience.' Yes well, I think a nice stiff drink would 'cleanse my conscience' a little bit better. But, I can't drink. Apparently drinking while pregnant can cause Down syndrome. I asked my doctor to screen for things like Down syndrome, Tay Sachs, and other problems because I honestly have no idea what that bastard could have given me or his child. God! Every time I think about the fact that this child could have six fingers or never learn to read or have some rare heart disease, I want another drink. If only to 'cleanse my conscience' of the fact that I will never fully know who my child is. _

Olivia felt tears come to her eyes involuntarily. She shouldn't be reading this. It was an invasion. She didn't want to know that her mother had worried she wouldn't be born healthy. No, she wanted to keep the image of her mother as a monster, as someone incapable of loving her. That was so damn easy, this was hard. She flipped the page, hoping to find something to prove herself right.

_1976_

_Olivia's babysitter called me tonight while I was at the bar. She said that Olivia had spiked a fever of 103 degrees. What did I do? I ordered another shot._

Olivia felt anger and satisfaction build up in her chest. There was the proof that her mother had never really cared for her. Compassion was fleeting. Hatred was forever.

_I knew when I left that Olivia hadn't been feeling well, but I couldn't stay with her. Whenever she's ill she loses that 'spark' that I like to think is uniquely mine. _

_Without that 'spark' she's too much him._

_ So, I called the sitter, told her to give her an aspirin and I went to the bar. That one shot turned into seven and when I finally stumbled home, the sitter was hysterical. I threw a few twenties at her and told her to be available to take Olivia to school in the morning because I already felt the killer hangover coming on. But, then I saw Olivia. She was on the couch, a blanket pulled over her small frame while she drifted in and out of a fitful sleep. Ever since Olivia had started to talk and ask questions, I had been debating whether or not I truly loved my daughter. But, even through my alcoholic fog tonight, I knew I loved Olivia by the way my heart stopped at the sight of her so ill. I may not be the mother she deserves, but I love her. And, I thank god that I do. _

Olivia put a hand over her mouth as the tears came faster. The picture she'd had of her mother was morphing, taking Olivia's self-image with it. She had found the wrong victim before, could it be that she'd done it again?

_1985_

_I'm making my daughter sick. I've heard her vomiting after our fights before, but I never did anything about it. I was always too drunk, but tonight I'd only had one shot before we started to argue. I remember all I wanted was to sit in my room with a bottle of cranberry vodka and silence. But, Olivia wanted to go out. She was excited to hang out with some boy she met. I knew he meant a lot to her, if only because she'd be proving to me that a healthy relationship with a boy was possible. She doesn't think I know that she has this bet with me, but I do. I'm her mother, of course I know._

Olivia's hands shook as she read. She had never thought her mother had known about the point system, or the vomiting. The vomiting had been her body's only way of letting out her anger, but she was always quiet about it. She'd never imagined her mother had been so perceptive about her. She never knew she cared so much.

_It kills me, because after awhile she just stops arguing with me. The yelling ceases, the anger abates, and I swear she stops looking for things to throw at me. She just gets this look of defeat and retreats to her room. No slammed door, no stomping, nothing. Tonight she didn't close the bathroom door fully before she got sick. It was more desperate then I'd heard before. She'd lost some of the control she'd thought she had. She wants so badly to have something of her own. A boy, a job, anything. Maybe I should have just let her go out. Just because she looks like me doesn't mean she'll end up like I did. She's smart and not every guy is like her father… _

Olivia flipped through the book then, tears rolling down her cheeks as she skimmed diary entries. Her mother had documented almost every year of Olivia's life. Some entries were exactly as Olivia had always thought her mother was, a cold-hearted drunk, but most of them showed Olivia another side of her mother…

_1996_

_ Olivia graduated from the academy today. She actually invited me to the ceremony even though we haven't really spoken since she left for college almost six years ago. I left as soon as she walked across that stage. Neither of us needed to intrude into each other's lives anymore. But, that doesn't mean I'm not proud of her. She's probably never heard me say that, nor will she ever. But, I am. I'm proud of her because she finally got that something of her own. _

Olivia dropped the book then and gave into her sobs. She'd spent her whole life trying to sever the ties she had to her mother. But, reading about the moment her mother decided that Olivia truly had cut those ties, she felt closer to her mother than ever before. She couldn't pick the victim of her childhood, because when you stripped away all the hurt and hatred, it was both of them…

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><p><strong>AN: I understand where Serena bashers come from, but I believe that every girl's relationship with their mother is different. It's not so black and white as they may present it when you first meet them**


	33. Here and Now

**A/N: This story kinda made me wanna bash my head against a wall, I'm half-glad there's only 8 chaps left. BTW...think Elliot after _Fat_ and during his first case with Dani in this chapter**

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><p><em><strong>1-6 Precinct<strong>_

"Hey, Cap," Elliot said, knocking on his captain's door late Monday evening. The sleet had fizzled into freezing rain. "Can I talk to you?"

Cragen looked up from Olivia's transfer request and quickly hid it under a file. "Uh, sure Stabler, come in," he said, folding his hands before him on the desk.

"I just wanted to ask for tomorrow afternoon off," Elliot said, glancing around uncomfortably. He hadn't been in here without Olivia in damn-near a year. "I need to take Kathy to her OB-GYN."

"Now that's devotion," Cragen tried to joke.

Elliot's face was as unchanging as a death-mask. "It's what fiancés do."

Cragen's eyebrows shot up with realization. "When is she due?" he asked slowly, suddenly understanding everything. He now had no problem approving Olivia's transfer request. Two people could only take so much together.

"Late June. We're going to the courthouse this weekend, but the actual ceremony won't be until after she's delivered, most likely mid-July" Elliot said uncaringly.

"Congratulations" Cragen said.

Elliot merely nodded. "Thank you," he appropriated, standing up. "So I'll just knock off around three?"

"Sure" Cragen said. "Just be here on time tomorrow morning, I need you to clear out Olivia's files and be ready to work with Fin." Cragen watched Elliot's eyes shift. He suddenly looked like he'd just been told him his new puppy had been struck by a car.

"O-of course" he stuttered before slamming out of the precinct.

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><p><strong><em>January 3rd, 1999<em>**

**_2-9 Precinct_**

"You sure you're ready?" Alex asked, idling before the 2-9.

Olivia stared out the window. "I have to work Alex," Liv said, gathering her badge and gun. It felt weird to hold them without Elliot right beside her. But, she had to learn. She had to get herself back.

"You know, you could stay home one more day. Just until you're feeling a hundred percent" Alex said. She'd arrived at Liv's apartment to catch her swallowing six anti-nausea pills and hastily putting her toothbrush away.

"I'll go crazy if I stay in that place one more minute," Liv said, her mother's little brown book a much too vivid image in her mind. "And I feel fine, really. It's just nerves. I haven't been here since I transferred and I don't know how I'm going to answer all of Ricio's questions."

"Alright then," Alex said finally. "You want to meet for lunch?"

"Not really," Olivia said, getting out of the car. "Thanks for the ride," she called over her shoulder.

Alex watched her walk in, her head down and her arms wrapped protectively wrapped around her middle. That wasn't Olivia Benson.

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><p><strong>AN: Whew...we're finally into the new year... Review**


	34. 3 Lives

**A/N: Just a little insight into the lives of 3 people.**

**P.S.: A/N: I think there should be a non-happy E/O fanfic anonymous group. I mean, I make happy endings, but let's face it. E/O are not happy people. I should start a support group for those of us who venture out here on a limb.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>February 4th, 1999<strong>_

_**Elliot and Kathy's Apartment**_

"Elliot!" Kathy screamed from the bathroom. Elliot quickly dropped the picture of him and Olivia (the one she'd told him to burn) and raced to the bathroom.

"What? What happened? Is the baby okay?" Elliot asked frantically.

Kathy laughed. "She's fine," she said, touched by his concern. She'd thought he didn't want this baby, but as soon as he'd seen that first sonogram everything had changed. She could almost see the couple they'd been before. "Look," she said, pulling up her shirt. Elliot stared at her a minute. Kathy had always been thin, small and fragile. But in the month or two since she'd told him she was pregnant, she'd filled out. Now he could just see a baby bump forming.

"Oh wow," he said, his face softening. "She's really in there."

"Yeah," Kathy said, taking his hands and wrapping them around her waist. "She's really in there, just waiting for us."

Their wedding bands knocked together and she smiled.

Elliot met her eyes in the mirror. "You're happy?" he asked.

"Of course," Kathy said, turning around and kissing him. "More than ever before."

"Good," Elliot said, wondering just how selfish it would be to ask her to share a bit of that happiness with him.

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><p><strong><em>February 6th, 1999<em>**

**_ Random Crime Scene_**

"Dead on arrival, two puncture wounds to the chest. Caught the perp around the block" Ricio said when Olivia squatted down next to him. It was five a.m. and the ungodly hours of a cop had called Olivia and her new-old partner out to a crime scene.

"So we came out here for nothing," Olivia said, snapping her plastic gloves off and walking back to her car.

"Olivia, wait!" Ricio called, catching up with her. They fell into step involuntarily. "You want to get some breakfast?"

Olivia glanced at him sideways as he raked his hand through his black curls. That one gesture had been endearing to her once, now it was annoying. Everything was annoying to her now. Nothing was worth the effort.

"I'm okay" Olivia said dismissively. "I'll just see you back at the house."

"You know Olivia, you never eat," Ricio said gently, grabbing her arm lightly.

Olivia smiled wanly, noting how his blue eyes weren't even a bad knock-off of Elliot's. "Ricio, don't," she said, pulling away.

"Fine Olivia, you don't want to tell me what's got your stomach in knots everyday," he said, blocking her car door, "But can you at least tell me why you transferred back, for my sake?"

"I already told you. SVU just wasn't the place for me anymore."

"Bullshit Olivia, you only worked homicide so you could get in enough hours to transfer to SVU. What happened at the 1-6?"

"Look, Ricio" Olivia said sternly. "I'm back now and that's all you need to know. We were partners before I left, not best friends. Can we just do our jobs?"

"Sure Olivia" Ricio said bitterly. "But don't say I didn't try."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, so I made Ricio before the Stabler Season 13 Debacle went down, but now I realize that my head image of Ricio is exactly what Danny Pino looks like, if his hair was longer and more curly. Wow, talk about great minds think alike. LOL. REVIEW  
><strong>


	35. Hope For the Past

**A/N: I don't do the Alex/Elliot interaction very well. But I figured I'd have to try since Elliot and Liv aren't really talking in this fic very well**

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><p><strong><em>March 21, 1999<em>**

**_The Courthouse Steps_**

"Sorry I'm late," Elliot said, walking up to Melissa Melendez, a hold over rape case from his days partnering with Liv. He rubbed his eyes, wishing he had slept the night before, or the night before that. Every time he closed his eyes, Olivia was there.

"Where's Olivia? Where's Detective Benson?" Melissa cried. Elliot sighed; Olivia was in his head and his reality this first day of spring.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Melendez but—"

"She swore she'd be here! She'd never miss this!" Melissa cried again. "What happened, is she okay?"

Elliot opened his mouth to speak, just to realize he had no answer. The last time he'd glimpsed Olivia she was in Central Park, beating the pavement relentlessly as she jogged. She'd looked far too thin and worn down for his liking, but then again, that wasn't his business anymore. Olivia had asked him to get out of her life, and he'd be damned if he didn't at least do that for her.

"I hope she's okay" he said truthfully. He ran his hand nervously over his new wedding band, a bad habit he was prone to whenever he thought of Olivia.

"What does that mean?" Melissa exclaimed.

"Melissa, we need to go in," Alex said, startling Elliot as she appeared on Melissa's side.

"But, but, Olivia? Where is she?" Melissa asked again.

"She transferred units, Melissa. I'm sorry," Alex said bluntly, telling her the truth because she knew she couldn't take another lie.

"Figures, all people ever do is leave me," Melissa said, storming up the courthouse stairs.

Alex sighed angrily. "Thanks Stabler" Alex hissed as they began to climb the stairs. "Upset a traumatized vic before she goes on the stand. We need more people like you in this world."

"What was I supposed to do, Alex? _Lie_ to her? Tell her Olivia's _fine_?"

"Yes!" Alex hissed back, stopping on the stair above him to meet his eyes. "Because as far as you're concerned, that _is_ how she's doing."

Alex held Elliot's gaze, daring him to challenge her. They both knew Olivia wasn't fine, they both knew she was sick and berating herself for things that weren't anybody's fault. Least of all her own.

"You get off on being a bitch Alex?" Elliot shot back. He didn't need her shit or her constant reminders of what he and Olivia had done to each other.

"I get off on protecting my friends" Alex retorted. "Nothing you would know about…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: They're a little childish right now. But they're just trying to hit each other where it hurts. Review**


	36. Promise For the Future

**A/N: Favorite chapter. It's the answer to most of you questions. What's wrong with Liv, what's up with Kathy, what are Liv and El going to do...etc. It's all right here.**

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><p><strong><em>May 7th, 1999<em>**

**_The Streets of Manhattan_**

"Detective Benson" Dr. Roth said. "I need you to fill this prescription as soon as possible. In the meantime, try to get some rest. Remember, reduce your stress."

"I know," Olivia said, snatching the prescription form from Dr. Roth. Olivia had finally broken down and gone to the doctor when Ricio had caught her heaving in the back of an alley. There was no flushing away the blood that time.

"Come back for a check-up in a few weeks, just to make sure the medicine is doing its job" Dr. Roth said.

"I will," Olivia muttered, sticking to two-word answers as she hurried for the door. What she'd thought was just dehydration was an ulcer according to Dr. Roth. The stress of her childhood had finally caught up with her. Just like her mother had known it would when she'd heard her vomiting all those years. If only Olivia hadn't been blinded by her hate for her mother, she now knew she could have reached out to her.

"Olivia!" Liv heard someone call. She froze on the street in front of the medical building. New York had thousands of people, and yet she always ran into the one person she wanted nothing to do with. "Olivia!" the voice called again.

"Kathy?" Olivia asked, swinging around to see Elliot's new wife struggling to hurry towards her. Her damn-near seven months pregnant stomach was proudly protruding before her.

"You haven't returned any of my calls" Kathy said as she finally reached Olivia's side.

"I can't imagine what we have to talk about," Liv said, turning to go.

"Wait!" Kathy called, watching Olivia continue to walk away. "Liv, I can't exactly chase after you!"

Olivia stopped suddenly and turned to face Kathy. "My name's _Olivia_" she sneered.

Kathy froze, realizing that 'Liv' was exclusively for Elliot to call Olivia. She suddenly felt the same isolation she'd felt when Elliot and Olivia walked into the hospital at the beginning of the Leonard case. She quickly ran a hand over her wedding band and stood up straight. Nickname or not, she had the boy.

"Of course" Kathy placated.

Liv crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Kathy unemotionally. "What do you want, Kathy? I have a shift to start."

"Oh, how's the new partner?" Kathy asked, smiling smugly. She might as well have added _'screwing him yet.'_

"Fine" Olivia stated. "And no," she continued, acknowledging Kathy's silent accusation. "We aren't sleeping together, and even if we were it would be none of your damn business."

"This time," Kathy shot back.

Liv scoffed. "Exactly. _This_ _time_ what I do with my partner is _none_ of your business. Good-bye Kathy," Liv said, walking away.

"Wait, Olivia!" Kathy cried, catching her arm. Kathy swallowed uncertainly, "That's not why I stopped you, I just…I want to know if you love him?"

"Kathy" Olivia sighed exasperatedly. This was not a conversation she wanted to have on the streets of New York.

"Please Olivia, I need to kn—"

"Yes Kathy, yes!" Liv exclaimed. "I love him, but not the way you love him. It's entirely different."

"He said as much about you," Kathy sighed, sitting down on a random stoop.

Olivia hesitated awkwardly before sitting down next to her.

Kathy turned to look at Olivia then, her blue eyes earnest. "I'm not saying that I understand what's between you and Elliot, nor do I think I ever will" she began. "But, how I acted at your apartment was wrong and I'm sorry. You were a big part of Elliot's life, and I know he'll never let you go, no matter how long we're married."

"Kathy, I—"

"Let me talk Olivia, this isn't easy to say" Kathy said. She took a deep breath then, holding it in before saying in a rush: "I want you to be the godmother of this child."

Liv just stared at her. "You want your husband's ex-lover to be your child's godmother?"

"As long as you remain 'ex,' then yes," Kathy said, forcing a smile. Olivia shifted awkwardly. "Plus," Kathy added. "Who'll love her more?" She didn't want Olivia to be in her life, but she wanted Elliot and she would always know that Elliot needed Olivia. "Well?" Kathy asked, stroking her baby-bump subconsciously.

Liv just stared at her bump, imagining the baby that would be half-Kathy and half-Elliot—half the man she would always be in love with.

"Of course, Kathy" Liv said hesitantly. She'd cut herself off from Elliot, and now here she was agreeing to be a part of his life for the next eighteen years. Her stomach flipped and she was brutally reminded of her doctor's warning for 'less stress.' This probably wasn't what he meant. "I'll always be there for Elliot's children."

Kathy nodded; knowing she had asked a lot of Olivia, especially when she looked like she was working through so many of her own issues. "Okay" Kathy whispered. "_Okay. _I'll call you some time?" _Baby steps._

"I'll answer," Liv said, not meeting her eyes as she began to stand up.

"You can tell Elliot whenever you want, Olivia," Kathy said, putting the ball back in Olivia's field.

Olivia forced a smile and nodded. "Thanks," Liv said, "For…whatever just happened."

Kathy nodded again and they both acknowledged that only time would tell what should happen next. Liv shouldered her bag and quickly shoved a pink prescription form inside. Kathy's eyes automatically dipped to the prescription line. Ulcer medication. Elliot couldn't sleep and Liv couldn't eat.

Olivia gave Kathy a small smile before walking away without waiting to see if Kathy returned the gesture.

Kathy sighed and began to walk in the opposite direction. Elliot and Olivia were the two most co-dependent people she'd ever met. It figured they would find twin ailments that would slowly kill them both.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Review. Did you guys get the resolution you needed? Kathy bashers, she's not the she-devil. She's a human who fell in love with a boy who loves another woman too. Note how I say too. Elliot's involved in here also. It's his responsibility on who he's with. Don't blame Liv, don't blame Kathy.  
><strong>


	37. Destroying the Present

**A/N: A twinsy chapter! Love these. Review**

* * *

><p><em><strong>June 24th, 1999<strong>_

_**1-6 Precinct**_

"So you're saying you fell on her?" Fin asked Nick Rocenno.

Elliot was standing in the corner, his tie hanging loosely around his neck and his eyes heavy with a weariness he would never be able to satisfy.

"Yep" Rocenno replied easily. "I was jogging when she cut me off and I tripped. We landed in a heap on a bush."

"So the bushes broke her cheek bone and left wrist?" Elliot asked, continuing the line of questioning.

"Rough-ass branches man. We hit them full speed too."

"Ah," Fin nodded sarcastically. "And when you helped her up your pants just fell down on their own?"

"My sweats inched down...maybe."

"So you weren't creating your own version of 'Free Willy,'" Elliot asked, leaning across the table.

"Hell no" Rocenno said. "That bitch is crazy, just looking for some attention. Hey, I saw that picture of the hot brunette on your desk. I'm sure she needed attention too, if you know what I mean man."

Fin tensed as he saw Elliot's jaw set. Rocenno had found the source of Elliot's sleepless nights and the only thing keeping him from, and tempting him towards, complete insanity. Before Fin could react Rocenno was slammed against the concrete wall, his chair toppling over backward.

"Let's get one thing straight" Elliot hissed as his forearm threatened to choke Rocenno to death. "I'm not your damn 'man,' and your fucked-up ass is going to jail."

"Let him go, Stabler," Fin implored. He knew better than to actually interfere in a long awaited meltdown.

Elliot slammed Rocenno's head against the wall, jamming his forearm even deeper into his windpipe. "As for that brunette" Elliot whispered in his ear. "You so much as think about her and I _promise_ you that your next breath will be your _last_!"

Two uniforms suddenly burst into the interrogation room, grabbing Elliot and throwing him out towards his captain. Cragen just held out his hand and watched as Elliot unclipped his badge and gun and handed them over.

"How lo—"

"Indefinitely."

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><p><strong><em>July 5th, 1999<em>**

**_A Shit-hole Bar in Lower Manhattan_**

Olivia officially hated bars. She hadn't had a good past with them, and her future wasn't looking much brighter.

"Oliv-Oli-Li-Liv!" Ricio slurred. "You want a shot?"

Olivia spotted her drunk partner on the last stool in the bar, closing the place out.

"No, Ricio, you're cut off. We're going home," Liv said, approaching her drunken partner of only a few months.

They hadn't even had a rough case, or a fight, or any of the things that led a cop to a bar. She'd thought he'd be stronger than this. She'd thought this phase of her life was over. But apparently she drove people to drink.

"You the friend?" the faceless bartender asked. It never mattered what they looked like, she'd learned that long ago.

"Yes" Olivia replied in a whisper. She'd been called down to pick up Ricio at some dive thirty minutes ago. She'd stopped nursing her ulcer on her couch, and reluctantly come here. She'd already been miserable, what else could happen? "How much does he owe?"

"Twenty-six fifty," the bartender replied, throwing the bar rag over his meaty shoulder.

Olivia handed the man her debit card. It never mattered what they owed either.

"Come on Ricio, we're leaving" Olivia said, coughing against an involuntary gag. She'd gotten into her mother's head when she found her diary, and now every time she smelled a bar she saw her mother just minutes before she died. Her stomach flipped and she grabbed Ricio's shoulder. "_Now_, Ricio, I want to go home."

"Come on, L-Liv" Ricio struggled to say. "Stay, have a shot." He flung his shot glass up haphazardly then and the clear liquid sloshed onto Liv's blouse.

"Son of a bitch!"

"L-li—"

"_Olivia_!"

"Olivia" Ricio slurred out finally. "I'm so sorry." He started to dab at her breasts with his jacket and Liv was suddenly reminded of a bar ten months ago, of inappropriate hands and a secret knowledge of what was going to happen back at her apartment. '_No promises.'_

"Stop, James. _Stop!" _Liv exclaimed, shaking the dangerous thoughts from her mind. She blew out a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding. "Get up, you're done."

"Do you drink, Olivia?" Ricio prodded. "That why you keep losing it in alleys?"

"James, you're drunk off your ass and I don't feel well," Olivia said, ignoring his previous comment only because she knew what a drunk would regret later. "Get the fuck up, I want to go home."

"When it's me you want to go home? But you didn't mind having a few with your old partner, did you?"

"That's none of your business" Liv stated angrily. She couldn't take this. Not now. Not at some shit-hole bar with a man who was nothing but a knock-off of who she needed.

"I guess I'm not good enough for the lofty Olivia Benson? You only drink with people you fuck! How _is_ Elliot?"

"_That's it_!" Olivia exclaimed. "Take your own drunk-ass ho—"

Ricio grabbed her arm as she turned and suddenly his mouth was pressed against hers, the several shots of vodka he'd inhaled invaded her mouth. Within in seconds Olivia had shoved him back against the bar and jammed her thumb into his windpipe.

"Olivia," Ricio said, his fingers clawing at her hand.

"Lady, chill out" the bartender said.

Liv ignored him, feeling all the acid in her stomach rolling and spinning as she saw red. "You say _one thing_ about my partner and I _swear_ that you will _never_ breathe again."

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><p><strong>AN: Twinsy chapters. Liv and El are both busy destroying their present. Do you guys see how I'm leading them back to each other. There's no chance two such similar people won't get back together. REVIEW  
><strong>


	38. The Secret

**A/N: Another twinsy chapter. I like this one. It shows that Kathy's not a hater and Olivia's not determined to be miserable. She's not a wallower. I dropped something in here for the A/O shippers, even though you all typically annoy the hell out of me.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>July 24th, 1999<em>**

**_ Olivia's Apartment_**

"Olivia, your super probably thinks we're lovers considering how many times he's let me in at all hours of the night" Alex joked as she let herself into Olivia's apartment. "Olivia?" she called again.

"Bedroom" Olivia called back.

Alex began to walk into the bedroom when she decided to check something first. She'd been buying Olivia groceries ever since she had been diagnosed with the ulcer. Take-out wasn't going to get her anywhere, and Alex knew she needed to eat. Alex surveyed the contents of the refrigerator then, her heart dropping. Olivia had barely touched the food. She opened the trashcan and didn't see any take-out containers either.

"Dammit Olivia!" Alex shouted. "We talked about this!" she continued as she walked into Olivia's bedroom. She stopped when she saw Olivia though. Her thin frame was folded into the chair by her window and a cigarette dangled from her fingers.

"Do you remember how Kathy asked me to be the godmother of her child?" Liv asked, staring out the window. She slowly brought the cigarette to her lips and blew smoke up towards the ceiling.

"Yes" Alex said hesitantly. She hadn't seen Liv so calm since the night of her meltdown.

"Well, I answered one of her calls yesterday and we agreed to go crib shopping together. We've officially reconciled."

"That's great, Liv" Alex said.

Olivia didn't care. She didn't want praise.

"I visited my mother's grave today," Liv continued, changing subjects as she searched for all the things she'd done to get over herself. "I forgave her for everything in return for her forgiveness. Then I buried her diary there." Liv was catatonic in her story-telling, and Alex just stood there and allowed her to finally talk. "I even considered searching for my father. Munch asked me about my background once, but I hadn't wanted to share then. I might be ready now."

"Olivia, that's really great. That's what I meant by progress."

Liv took another drag on the cigarette and exhaled on a sob.

"I know" Liv whispered. "But why do I _still_ feel so horrible? Why is my stomach still twisted up in knots every moment of my life?"

Alex's heart broke for her then. She walked over and sat next to Olivia then, hugging her as she cried.

"You know why Olivia," Alex said. "You know damn well why. He's the only thing you haven't let go of."

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><p><strong><em>August 2nd, 1999<em>**

**_**Elliot and Kathy's Home; Queens, New York**  
><em>**

"So, which do you like better?" Kathy asked Elliot as they stood before the two paint samples in their soon-to-be nursery in their new house in Queens. She was due any day now and they hadn't finished the nursery yet.

"I like the lavender. It beats Dancing Grape," Elliot said, filling a pan with lavender paint.

Kathy nodded as she watched his movements. Ever since he'd been suspended, he'd done everything necessary to make it up to her. He'd gone to the hardware store and helped her choose between Laughing Lavender, Dancing Grape and Royal Purple Parade paint samples. He'd read the pregnancy books with her, been sympathetic when her hormones had her crying at a Downy commercial, and even laughed with people he hated during her baby shower. But, Kathy knew he was miserable. He'd been miserable since the day he'd lost Olivia.

"Hey, El" she tested him. His shoulders tensed. She never called him El.

"Kathy, can you just call me Eli or Elliot" he said.

Kathy sighed. "It's true then" she said. "The nicknames _are_ sacred."

"What are you talking about Kathy?" Elliot sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"_You_, Elliot," Kathy said as he picked up the paint again, desperate for something to do with himself. "I never told you this, but I fought with Olivia the day I told you I was pregnant."

"What?" Elliot asked, astonished.

"I went over to her house and demanded that she tell me how long you two had been sleeping together" Kathy said.

Elliot's eyes widened. He'd never known Kathy had confronted Olivia. He'd just assumed she'd stormed home after he told her he loved Olivia.

"She was taking a pregnancy test when I got there."

"She _what?_" Elliot exclaimed. He hadn't yelled in front of Kathy since she got pregnant. He dropped the paint pan then and Kathy watched it spill all over the floor. "Jesus-fucking-Christ, Kathy" Elliot exclaimed, seeing red. He hadn't sworn in front of her since she'd gotten pregnant either.

"It was negative, Elliot" Kathy said quickly. Elliot's shoulders relaxed a little. "But, I lost it. I really lost it." Elliot sighed and ran a hand over his face, unable to look at his pregnant wife. "That's why she transferred. She couldn't take any more complicity, and she knew you couldn't either," Kathy said, thinking back to the painful conversation she'd had with Olivia after choosing the very crib Elliot had just put together.

"Kathy, what am I supposed to say to that?" Elliot asked, "Why are you even telling me all this?"

"Because Elliot," Kathy began, taking a step toward him. "I trust you. I know that you love me and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship, but you're miserable without Olivia. You haven't slept in months and I don't want our daughter to know this Elliot. I don't want her to know you on auto-pilot."

"Kathy, what are you saying?" Elliot asked. "I'm too damn tired for riddles."

"I'm saying that you need to go see Olivia. I know for a fact that she's just as miserable as you are."

"Kathy are you su—"

Kathy cut him off with a kiss, which he returned. He did love Kathy; she was caring and going to make a great mother. But, that didn't mean he didn't love Olivia. Of course, he loved Liv differently. It was more passionate and a little bit more all-consuming.

"Kathy, are you sure?" he asked again when they parted.

"Elliot," Kathy said, putting a finger over his lips. "She's the only thing you can't let go of."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: We're so close! They know they need each other. Only three chaps left! REVIEW!  
><strong>


	39. Unraveling

**A/N: So close. So close. So close. This chap title took forever to come up with, so I just settled**

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><p><em><strong>September 14th, 1999<strong>_

**_2-9 Precinct_**

"Benson! Ricio!" Captain Buchanan called into the 2-9 bullpen. "Your drug dealer took a hostage at the Natural History Museum."

"On it" Ricio said as he and Olivia stood quickly. They both burst out into the hot September sunlight within seconds.

"I'll drive," Olivia said, but Ricio snatched the keys from her.

"And risk you throwing up along the way? Pass" Ricio spat hatefully.

They'd both decided to hate each other since Olivia transferred back and they'd said their fair share of hateful things, but that was uncalled for.

"That's it," Olivia shouted, grabbing his arm and flinging him against their Sedan. "I don't know _what_ your problem with me is—"

"You want to know my problem, Benson?" Ricio asked, shrugging her off. "For months I've had to work with half a cop! I've had to watch you make yourself _sick_ over something you refuse to tell me about!"

"It's none of your damn business!" Olivia yelled back.

"It is when it's _my_ _ass_ that's on the line!" Ricio shouted. "I can't work with someone who's clearly looking out for someone else!"

"I've done my job, James," Olivia hissed, getting close to him. "I've had your back, defended your plays and kept my promise not to report you for kissing me when I picked your drunk-ass up from that shit-hole," she said, her voice dropping to a hateful whisper.

"Olivia" Ricio sighed, blushing slightly. "You've just seemed so upset, and I was drunk, I just…I just wanted to help."

As much as they hated each other, Olivia and Ricio could have been a good pair. That is, of course, if Elliot hadn't shown Olivia how much more there was to a partnership.

"It's not your help I need," Olivia said, closing her eyes for a brief second. "Now," she said, her anger abated and her sadness hidden again. "Can you do your damn job and have my back?"

"If I can figure out what the hell that means when it comes to you," Ricio said, dropping the keys at her feet and yanking open the passenger door.

* * *

><p><strong><em>September 1st, 1999<em>**

**_1-6 Precinct  
><em>**

"Stabler, Fin" Cragen shouted into the 1-6 bullpen. "Hostage situation at the Natural History Museum, just called for SVU detectives."

"On it," Fin said, pulling on his coat as Elliot quickly followed behind him.

"Look Fin," Elliot said as they drove, sirens blaring. "I'm sorry about what happened in the interrogation room—"

"My ass got popped for aiding and abetting police brutality Stabler," Fin said, his hands strangling the steering wheel in anger. "Automatic ten day suspension."

"What was I supposed to do, let him go on about Olivia like that?" Elliot exclaimed. "I couldn't take him talking about her when I—"

"When you what?" Fin asked accusatorily.

"When I can't have her back" Elliot admitted.

They were both silent for a minute. Hating the moment and hating themselves, but mostly just hoping.

"Yeah, well" Fin said. "I can't have your back if you're still trying to protect hers."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Two more chaps. It's the reunion chap! Woo! Review for me please. **


	40. Elliot and Olivia

**A/N: I love this chapter. I wrote it in one sitting, it was the second half that killed me.**

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><p><strong><em>September 14th, 1999<em>**

**_Outside The Natural History Museum_**

"My partner's joining the unit in back, what have we got so far?" Fin asked Ricio as he walked into the cavalcade of cops, S.W.A.T and hostage negotiation in front of the museum.

"Suspect's my perp. He deals drugs in Hell's Kitchen," Ricio said, filling Fin in as he strapped on his bulletproof vest. "He murdered a girl last week."

"Any chance it was Caroline Morris?" Fin asked.

"Yeah" Ricio confirmed.

"That's our vic's little sister. Your suspect is probably a rapist too" Fin said. "We need to get an SVU detective in there now."

"Hostage sent in my partner. She transferred from SVU nine months ago."

"Wait, she?" Fin asked, stopping suddenly.

"Yeah, Olivia Benson, you work with her?" Ricio asked.

"My partner's her former partner" Fin supplied. Ricio's face paled and he and Fin exchanged a glance of realization. "Ricio, stay back!" Fin called as Ricio broke protocol and stormed the scene.

* * *

><p><strong><em>4:45 p.m.<br>_**

**_The Natural History Museum; The Monkey Exhibit_**

Olivia had her back to a display case of Lucy, the world's oldest woman, as she followed the trail of blood. Her heart was pounding in her ears, the rapid flow of blood making her movements sudden and jerky. She was never nervous when she entered a hostage situation. Scared? Sure. Nervous? Never. But, she hadn't talked down a rapist in months and her last hostage situation hadn't been a glowing success.

She advanced past the orangutans and slowly pushed a door open. That was when she saw Kevin Wilkins. He'd murdered Caroline Morris about a week ago. She'd thought it was an isolated incident until she discovered outside that he'd raped Caroline's older sister. Apparently no one had made the connection quick enough and she'd been sent in while they waited for SVU to respond.

"Police Wilkins," Olivia said, her gun aimed at his head. "Let the girl go," she said, seeing the terrified young girl he had clutched in front of him. "Just let her go, and we can talk about this."

"But, she looks just like April" Wilkins said.

"Who's April?" Olivia asked gently, cursing her luck. Here she was playing twenty questions with a rapist-murderer because the NYPD didn't know how to communicate.

"You don't know?" Wilkins asked. "April's all I have left now, and Carrie here looks so much like her," Wilkins said, caressing the terrified girl.

"I'm sure April wouldn't want you to hurt Carrie" Olivia bargained.

"Don't act like you know her," Wilkins returned, digging the gun further into Carrie's head. The girl whimpered.

"Well then tell me about her Wilkins" Olivia said quickly. "Let Carrie go and we can walk out of here and you can tell me all about April."

"No" Wilkins shouted. "You're tricking me! Just take me to April!" Wilkins shouted, firing a shot in the air.

Olivia kept her gun trained on him, recognizing a scare tactic when she saw one.

"I want to see April!" Wilkins screamed.

"As soon as you release the girl, we'll take you to April" someone said from behind Wilkins.

Olivia almost dropped her gun. She recognized that voice, even though she hadn't heard it in nine months.

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><p><strong><em>5:10 p.m.<em>**

"Elliot?" Olivia asked.

Elliot stepped out of Wilkins' shadow and they locked eyes. For a second there weren't any guns in the room, there weren't any hostages, it was just the two of them united as one again.

"April's Kevin's sister, Olivia," Elliot said, holding her gaze.

As soon as he said her name it was as if nothing had happened between them. For the first time in months Olivia felt her stomach unclench, and Elliot could look forward to a good night's sleep. Elliot took a deep breath then and Olivia nodded.

"You want to see your sister?" Olivia asked Wilkins. "You've got to let Carrie go if you want to do that"

Elliot blinked once and Olivia nodded. One blink meant the sister was dead, two meant she was on their side and three meant she was missing. They'd used that code to communicate in front of a suspect since the day they met. She suddenly knew the entire profile of this rapist just from the look in Elliot's eyes.

"No, we're not bargaining, you either take me to April," Wilkins shouted, "Or Carrie dies!"

Suddenly the door Olivia had entered through swung open and Ricio burst in. Olivia gritted her teeth, knowing this situation had just gotten worse.

"Game's up, Wilkins" Ricio said.

"What are you doing here Detective?" Elliot demanded.

"He's my partner, El" Liv said.

Elliot's eyes flicked to Olivia's quickly and then back to Ricio's.

"How many cops does it take to lead me to April?" Wilkins sang sarcastically.

Olivia shot Ricio a look, but he was too busy staring down Elliot to notice.

"April's dead, Wilkins" Ricio stated.

"What?" Wilkins asked. He lowered his gun slightly then in shock and Olivia lunged forward, ripping the girl from his grasp. Before Olivia could get away though, Wilkins grabbed her and kicked her gun out of reach.

"Let her go!" Elliot and Ricio said at the same time.

"You lied to me!" Wilkins shouted at Elliot, shoving his gun into Olivia's head.

Olivia exhaled slowly and gave Elliot another look. They were back in sync.

"Come on Kevin, how do you know I'm lying?" Elliot asked calmly. "April's right outside. Who are you going to believe? The guy whose partner you're holding hostage, or me?"

"Don't listen to him, Wilkins" Liv said. "He's still lying to you."

"W-what?" Wilkins asked, confused.

"Olivia, what the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get yourself shot?" Ricio asked.

"You shut-up smart-ass," Wilkins said, swinging towards Ricio. "You came in here and told me my sister's dead. One more word from you and I'm the only one who's going to walk out of here."

"Let's not go there" Ricio said. "Just let her go. April's dead, you don't want to join her."

"You know he's right, Wilkins" Liv said. "I don't want him to have to kill you"

"Don't fall for her shit," Elliot said. "She's his partner. He's lying to keep you from killing him."

"He's lying" Olivia shouted.

"April's dead" Ricio said.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "How stupid do they think you are?" Elliot asked Wilkins. "Don't fall for their tricks."

Wilkins spun toward Elliot and pressed the gun to Liv's temple. "I'll kill her if someone doesn't tell me where my sister is!"

"Go ahead and kill her" Elliot said.

Wilkins unclipped the safety on his gun, and Liv's breath hitched.

"But if she dies, you're going down too and then I'll never be able to take you to April. She's waiting right outside for you."

"Bullshit, Wilkins. Call his bullshit" Olivia demanded. "April's dead, shoot me and make a run for it!"

"Make a run for it, Liv?" Elliot asked, unclipping the safety on his gun. "Do you really think he has a chance? Are you willing to let him die just to save your partner?"

"I'm willing to do anything to save my partner," Liv said, meaning more than what was heard.

"See, Wilkins, she said anything. He means more to her than the truth" Elliot said. Liv met his eyes again then and he nodded. "Come on Wilkins, this is getting boring! Do something or go out and meet your sister."

"He's still lying" Liv said. "The only way your meeting your sister is if you leave here in a body bag. Come on! Kill me! Kill him! You've nothing left to lose."

"Olivia" Ricio began.

"Stay out of this James" Liv snapped.

"Look Wilkins, you can hear it in their voices," Elliot said, his eyes on Olivia. "They're lying to save each other. Let me take you to your sister."

Wilkins turned toward Ricio again then and Elliot fired one shot into his back. He released Olivia as he collapsed.

"What the hell was that?" Ricio asked as he felt for Wilkins' pulse. Nothing.

"It's called trusting your partner" Elliot said. "Now, you go secure the scene before I decide to report you for breaking protocol" Elliot snapped.

Ricio sneered at him before leaving.

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked Olivia, easing her down to the floor.

"Fine, fine. That was a good shot," Olivia breathed, her heart rate slowly returning to normal.

"There was too much at risk for it to be a bad shot" Elliot said with a smile.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: YEAH! Now wasn't that cute. The little innuendos, and the trickery. Good ole' E/O. Review  
><strong>


	41. Benson and Stabler

**A/N: Okay, this is the final chapter! Thank you all for sticking with me, even those of you who only read stories where E/O ends up as a couple. I hope I opened your eyes to other possibilities. Thank you to my reviewers, and please, do not forget to review one final time.**

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><p><strong><em>6:52 p.m.<em>**

**_ The Street in Front of The Natural History Museum  
><em>**

"She going to be okay?" Olivia asked the paramedic as he loaded the hostage into the ambulance. Wilkins' body bag was only a few feet away and for once a body bag wasn't taunting her.

"Yeah, I don't see anything other than a few bruises. She'll be fine" he said. "But you, Detective, should get looked at"

"Oh, I think I'm going to be fine" Olivia said, finding Elliot's eyes in the crowd. She was just about to head over to him when Ricio appeared in front of her.

"Olivia, I shouldn't have burst in there like that. I—"

"Ricio, relax. I'm not going to report you for breaking protocol" Olivia said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, just the way Elliot always did for her.

"Olivia, I—" Ricio started, but he'd already lost her attention. She was watching Elliot head over to her slowly. "I guess I should expect to break in a new partner on Monday?" he asked. Olivia smiled; her first genuine smile in nine months.

"I'd bet money on it" Olivia said. Ricio smiled back then, and placed a hand on Olivia's arm.

"I'll see you around Benson" he said, walking off just as Elliot approached.

"Hey" Elliot said. Olivia leaned back against a cop car.

"Hey yourself" she said, smiling as he leaned back next to her.

"Liv I just wa—"

"—nted to say you're sorry. You know you don't have to—"

"—apologize. I know that too. It's just, what happened—"

"—isn't a regret anymore, nothing is. I guess we finally just—"

"—found ourselves" Elliot finished. She and Elliot shared a look then and suddenly burst out laughing.

"I missed that" Elliot said when they both stopped laughing.

"I missed a lot of things" Olivia said wistfully.

"You want them back?" Elliot asked and Olivia smiled, her hand finding his on the car and squeezing it. Elliot squeezed back and smiled at her. They knew that this wasn't the _last_ time they would fight, or the _last_ time one of them would transfer or disappear, or the _last_ time their relationships would be in shambles because of the other, but it was the _first_ time they realized that the world would keep turning.

"I already have them" Olivia said as they released hands and began to walk away from the scene. They fell into step easily, their gaits instantly finding each other. "So, what now?"

"How about I buy you a drink?" Elliot asked.

"I'd like that" Olivia said.

Elliot smiled at her, "Oh yeah?" he asked, bumping her shoulder just slightly.

She caught her balance right before running into two women, one older with long red nails and another with short brown hair and a skittish expression.

"Oh sorry" Liv mumbled as she caught back up with Elliot. "Maybe you can tell me about my godchild?" she continued. Elliot shot her a look and Olivia merely smiled, following him to O'Malleys and letting their future begin the way their past had started that night three months ago…

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, please tell me you caught on to that last little bit...prequel to Payback had been my goal after all. Also, this story comes complete with deleted scenes, so let me just clean them up a bit and you'll see alternate and deleted scenes in a few days/weeks. Thanks for reading!**

**P.S.: Some deleted scenes are really E/O (which is why they were deleted most likely,) but for you die hards they're worth a read...  
><strong>


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